She got jumped in the bronx!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bran155, Jun 28, 2008.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Okay so, for those of you who read my last post regarding my daughter getting on the bus with a kitchen knife in her pocket to go meet a friend of the gang members she had previously argued with. Here is the update:

    Well the brain that she is, didn't believe it was a set up as I had told her it would be. Guess who was right??? She gets off the bus and the guy is waiting for her as she expected. They hang out for a little while and then he makes up some excuse to borrow her knife, he threw it. Thank God for small favors!!! If he didn't do that it would have been a whole lot worse than it was. He then brought 3 girls to fight my daughter. First he wanted them to fight one on one, I guess he didn't expect what happened next.....My daughter beat each girl up!!! When they realized they couldn't get her one on one, they of course jumped her. She calls me from "Staples", as soon as I saw Staples on my caller ID I knew it wasn't good!!! I answer and she ever so calmly tells me she was jumped and beat up, well of course I panic, I'm screaming and crying, begging her to get the "bleep" home!!! She comes home, not a mark on her. I tell you, that girl is brazen, she is a tough kid!! As soon as she gets home she gets right on the phone to make plans to get her friends and go back down to the Bronx to get revenge. At this point I am in pure panic mode, pleading with her to use her head and make a better choice. Telling her she is going to end up dead. She doesn't care, she said she is going and there is just nothing I can do about it. OH YES THERE IS!!!

    So, all night I worried, couldn't sleep, I just knew I was soon going to be at her funeral. I started leaving messages on everyone's phone, social worker, therapist, DSS worker, case manager, supervisors, everyone I could think of. The next morning I start calling again. Finally with the help of her therapist who called the crisis team and explained my daughter's history and dangerous risky behavior she has been displaying, they agree to come. However normal protocol is to evaluate the child in the home and determine if he/she is unstable at that time. The therapist and I both pleaded with them, to just take her to the hospital and push for an admittance as we were afraid she would end up dead. So my poor daughter was totally caught off guard, she woke up to about 10 cops, 2 paramedics and the crisis team in our kitchen. It was the hardest thing I have ever done as she was so blind sided. Usually she is expecting it as I have called the cops several times in the past but usually she is in a rage. This time she had no idea. I was shaking uncontrollably, crying and trying my hardest not to vomit on anyone's feet. I had to ride up with her in the ambulance, she berated me and hit me the whole time. Truthfully, I don't care if she hates me for the rest of my life as long as she is still breathing!!! So I truly feel as though I saved my daughter's life yesterday. :)

    So now she is in the hospital safe and very, very angry. My sister and I went up to see her today and she cursed us out for an hour. I know I did the right thing. I hate like hell that I have to make these tough decisions, but what else was I supposed to do. Oh and after calling everyone's supervisor I finally got them to agree to put her back in residential, after a few arguments of course. So, now we just have to wait for the court date. I am going to fight like hell to keep her in the hospital until then. I also found out that I can fight for her to remain in placement until she is 21!!! I am sure it will be an uphill battle, but I will fight it all the way.

    Thanks so much for all of your thoughts and hugs and advise, it really does help. I will keep you all posted.

    God bless. :)
     
  2. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    Geeze, Thank god shes ok. What you did very well could have saved her life. At least now you can breath easier knowing that shes safe. Good for you Mom.
     
  3. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Bran,

    I'm so glad you were able to get her admitted. She was dangerously out of control. Please take better care of your self -- she doesn't have the right to curse at you for an hour. Do not let misplaced guilt coerce you into staying. If she swears at you, give her one warning. The next time she swears, walk out. Come back the next day if you need to, but create some limits to what abuse you will suffer. Hopefully, the psychiatric hospital has a family therapist that can help with that.

    Just repeat after me, "I am a great mom. I got my daughter help in spite of the overwhelming odds against me. I am a warrior mom and I deserve to be treated with respect!" You are! Please believe it!!
     
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    OMG Bran.........I am in tears. You are amazing! I mean, really really amazing. You are the one who is brazen, and bold, and tough! Unbelievable what you just did to get your girl safe. Seriously. I am inspired.

    So many hugs and strength being sent your way. It always blows me away every time I am on this board how much strength us warrior moms really do possess.
     
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thank God that you did what you did- and you are right to remind yourself that at least she is still alive and getting help and that you honestly believe there is a good chance she wouldn't be if you hadn't done what you did.

    Way To Go Mom!!

    I'm really thankful that the therapist helped and you were able to get them to take her. She is very lucky that things didn't turn out any worse than they did.
     
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Bran,
    You are totally amazing. You really did save her life. Gentle hugs for your hurting heart.
     
  7. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I am so glad she is now safe and not a danger to herself or anyone else. Keep fighting the system. Hopefully she will wake up one day and realize you did this out of love.
     
  8. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    Way To Go warrior mom! She is safe now, and you very well may have saved her life. Now that she's safe, take some time for yourself so you can refuel and keep fighting.
     
  9. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Wow! You have just lived through a nightmare one that you ended before your daughter had a chance to write the ending.

    GREAT JOB!!!! You did GREAT!!!
     
  10. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    my difficult child I is the male version of your difficult child, accept he doesn'y have the brass to back up his brawn. I am so sorry for the stress you're going through. You DID make the right decision. Prayers she'll start to decompress soon. i a n a v
     
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    So my poor daughter was totally caught off guard, she woke up to about 10 cops, 2 paramedics and the crisis team in our kitchen.

    Holy cow! What a scene.
    I know she will be very angry with-you for a long time, but I hope that she learns it was in her best interest. I hope the therapists can convince her to leave her old life, and leave her friends/enemies alone and take another path. I would hate to see it all start over again.
    I'm sending hugs and strength and courage for you all.
     
  12. mama2lexxie

    mama2lexxie New Member

    Wow you are amazing, and you know better very angry with you than the alternative.
    Hugs!
     
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Bran, are you sure that what she told you happened, really did happen? If she is doing so many other things wrong, then surely it is possible she could also be spinning a huge lie about what has been going on? Plus, she took your knife from the kitchen, and that is YOUR knife. That knife had a purpose - to help prepare meals for the family. its purpose was NOT to be used to intimidate anyone nor should it have been used to upset you and make you worried. She owes you replacement for the knife, is what I['m saying.

    I know it seems I'm harping about something irrelevant, insignificant under the circumstances, but it is a symptom of a bigger disease - she treated you, and the artefacts of home and nurturing, as disposable weapons of her own when they are not hers to abuse in tis way.

    She is also hooking you right into her drama. She rang you and your reaction over the phone was to cry, and beg her to come home. You fed into her drama, in other words.

    Mind you, it's very hard not to in the circumstances you were in. But I feel you need to now take a step back (now tat you have managed to buy yourself some time and breathing space) and consider the whole situation from a fresh and more distant point of view.

    You have just had to do a difficult thing as a parent - you have had to put her somewhere safe where she doesn't want to be - and I think that was a very brave and effective thing to do.

    But somewhere in there - I think she has had you hoodwinked. That's how she's been able to do this for so long, she knows how you will react when she says this, and does that. She's been playing you, I feel. (But she didn't expect this last bit - she underestimated you there).

    So use this time, talk to a counsellor about what she's been doing and try to find out just how much truth (if any) there has been in her stories. WAS she really beaten up by three girls? DID the bloke throw the knife away? WAS there ever any bloke, or any girls? Or has this all been one big fantasy, or at least exaggeration, of hers purely for the drama and shock value?

    I have seen my best friend struggle with this, with her daughter, over many years. On the one hand my friend now says she can't believe a word her daughter says, but on the other hand she gets suckered in to her lies again, every time. The look on her face when I say, "Stop! You just announced something as fact - but how sure are you? Who told you?"
    She replies, "My daughter told me."
    I remind her, "So this means it is 100% true? THINK about your past experiences with her!"

    My friend is highly intelligent, but she loves her daughter and as a result forgets that she can't be believed or trusted.

    Imagine a scenario - you have a good friend you've been close to for years. Then your friend seems a bit distant one day. Another friend tells you, "She's angry with you because she blames you for losing her job. She told me you pushed her hard into taking a day off so you could go shopping together, her boss found out and sacked her."
    You think, 'I didn't push her to come shopping that time, she suggested it. I didn't know she would lose her job over it. It's not fair she should be angry with me.' And next time you see your friend, your anger with her injustice is still simmering, so you are a bit cool as well. But polite. And no - it's not your imagination - she is definitely cold. You suggest dropping in in her for coffee and she cuts you short. "I'm very busy. Besides, having a cup of coffee would mean I would get no work done all morning, and I am very busy right now."

    Time moves on, you and your now former best friend are getting more and more distant. You increasingly rely on your new best friend, the one who warned you what was happening.

    But can you see what could be REALLY happening? Your new best friend is lying to you both to split up a good friendship. Your best friend didn't lose her job over your shopping trip - she resigned because she just wanted a break and wanted to work on a home business idea. She HAD planned to share the idea with you, but she had been told that you find coffee at her place to be boring and a waste of time. She felt hurt, hence she was cold and made a dig about not wanting to waste time with you, having coffee. But you totally missed the point.

    It can start so simply, but it can build so easily. We trust people, but purely for their own purposes, people can manipulate us.

    That is why, whenever we are told anything by one person only, we should either be sceptical or check out the story independently.

    difficult child 3 would come home from school and tell me someone had hit him. His teacher would have written in the book, "difficult child 3 hit Jake." But difficult child 3 would tell the mirror image story. Who do I believe? We would tend to believe the teacher. I would ask difficult child 3, "Did you hit Jake?" and because he is truthful, he would answer (eventually), "Yes, I did."

    But I still would not have the true story.

    Only when an independent witness to the whole incident comes forward, would I have the full story. The witness would say, "Jake was calling difficult child 3 names and telling him he was weird, he was stupid, nobody wanted to be his friend because he was 'a spastic retard'. difficult child 3 tried to turn his back, but Jake grabbed difficult child 3 by the arm to stop him from leaving. That's when difficult child 3 really put a lot of force into it and swung and punched Jake. And that's when the teacher came up and sent difficult child 3 to the principal's office."

    It is sometimes so hard to know what the truth is, but sometimes it is much easier to identify a lie - because lies are inconsistent.

    When girls fight, especially if they are fighting without weapons, they will leave marks. I've seen girls fighting (I went to an all-girls school) and I would rather see Mike Tyson bite off someone else's ear, than ever watch girls fight again. The girls' bathroom area was sprayed with blood and chunks of hair were strewn around. When I saw those girls later on, both had scratches to their faces and arms and their clothing was torn. But they were still spoiling for more fight - they would have too, if there hadn't been two fences between them.

    You have done the right thing with your daughter.
    If she WAS telling you the truth, she is a danger to others if not herself.
    If she was lying to you, she is a danger to herself, and probably others.

    In both cases, she is a danger to you and your family.

    But do try and identify the truth in this - I think you need to, for your own sake if not your family's and your daughter's. And try to not let her get you so angry (or upset) that you show HER how you feel.

    Detach, detach, detach.

    Marg
     
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Oh Bran, my heart was in my throat when I saw the title of this post. I am truly amazed that she managed to beat them each up, truly amazed. I AM glad that she did not have the knife to fight with.

    You so totally did the right thing!! Totally!!! And the others are right, you are an amazing Warrior Mom!!

    Yes, she is angry and she hates you right now. It won't last forever. And she would truly end up dead on the road she was on. I am glad the crisis team ended up being responsive.

    Major hugs for you!!! And for husband!!! It is hard on the entire family, so I hope you can take time to recuperate, strenthen yourselves and your family and your marriage.

    Hugs and prayers,

    Susie
     
  15. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Bran,

    how incredibly scary! You are a strong warrior mom and did the right thing! You fought for your daughter harder than she fought off those three girls. Hugs.

    Sharon
     
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Bran,

    I have been thinking about this. Did your daughter come home with some bruises or scratches or anything?? Any evidence the fights really happened, and she didn't use the knife for something else?

    I am NOT saying get her out of the hospital. If there is no evidence to back up this story, I am scared because what did she do with the knife that she doesn't want anyone to know?

    I am pretty sure I would not tell anyone if I suspected teh fights didn't happen. Either way she needs major help, and this may be the only way to get it. Plausible deniability can be a good thing.

    No matter what, I will keep you in my prayers and support you.

    Hugs,

    Susie
     
  17. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thank you so much for all of your support!! It truly makes me stronger. I can't tell you how much it means to me to be a part of this wonderful online community.

    Even though we are just typing to one another, you can really get a sense of the character in someone this way and I think there are some really good people on this website. :)

    To answer the question "Did this really happen?" There is no doubt in my mind, this really did occur. Yesterday in the hospital I saw a few scratches on her arm and when she came home that night she looked a holy mess!!! Her hair weave (she is biracial) was completely pulled out and her clothes were torn. Yes she does lie alot, but she was not lying about this. Her two girlfriends called me yesterday, the ones she had planned to go back there with and they did say they were willing to go with her. The plan was truly to go back there that day and fight again. She is a very brazen girl and is not afraid to fight, anyone!!! Pretty scary. She gets so mad and as she calls it "blacks out" and goes off. There is a few guys that live down the block and she hangs out with them occasionally, one day I went outside and they were arguing over who smokes more weed, stupid I know, however they were getting very upset with each other and she just knocked the guy right in his face, and smacked another kid in his face. I wish she was all talk, but she has the nerve to back up her threats and she does not back down to anyone, not even the cops. That is the scariest part, she has no fear!!!

    So I have no doubt that this did really happen and I had to do what I had to do so save her from herself. Thanks again for all of the kind words and support, it really means alot!!! God bless.
     
  18. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    Has she every had any neurological testing -- an EEG or MRI?

    And was she like this and did she have black outs before starting the two antidepressants?

    Your story is more extreme than mine but it sounds so similiar.
     
  19. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Actually, she has never had a bran scan. I have been pushing for one for years, they always say it isn't warranted . I can't see how that is but that is what they say. She has never actually been in this particular hospital before, so I am hoping to get an MRI this time. I will start calling to speak to the doctor in the morning and wont stop until I actually speak to him. I am going to request that we meet in person, as a phone call just will not suffice!!! I'm sure you know, when dealing with in patient docs they never have any time for you.

    And yes, she has been raging and "blacking" as she calls it, for years. She has been on every medicine you can think of and none of it made a difference for very long. It all only worked maybe for a couple of weeks then right back to the old her. Let's put it this way, she freaked out when she found out she was being admitted and they had 10 guys there holding her down and gave her a shot of Haldol and Adavan, she screamed at them and told them, in not so nice words, that it wasn't going to do anything to her. And of course hours go by and she still walking around as if she didn't get any shot at all. During one of her earlier hospitalizations, the doctor told me he had never seen a kid's metabolism eat through the medication the way my daughter's did. Pretty scary!!!

    Surprisingly, she likes the Lexapro, she says it puts her in a good mood. Yeah right!!! The only medication that I have seen take a long term effect on her, in a negative way though, is Concerta, Strattera and the other ADHD medications. They make her incredibly quiet and very agitated, she is very mean and snippy when she takes them. More than usual and she gets paranoid ideation from them. I am utterly sick of the medication maze!!!
     
  20. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Marguerite,

    You had me thinking, was she lying?? My husband's co-worker is actually dating the second in command of the police station of the part of the Bronx that the fight occurred in. So I just had him call and find out if he knew anything and sure enough it happened. To my surprise, my daughter left this part out: the cops and an ambulance came and tried to get my daughter to go to the hospital to get checked out, she refused and told them she was fine. He said no one was arrested, when the cops got there the other girls ran. Of course she neglected to tell me that part.
     
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