She is still drinking

[Kathy813]

No, she won't go to AA. She says she is an atheist and doesn't like the focus on the higher power of the twelve step groups. Her DBT therapist doesn't think much of them either.

Nancy, I am amazed how well my difficult child holds her liquor. I wouldn't have known she was drunk if I hadn't used the breathalyzer on her. My clues are that she either sleeps a lot or that her personality gets meaner. She really is a mean drunk.

She worked a full day yesterday and then went out somewhere after she was finished at 8:00. She came home at 10:30 and came to my bedroom to talk to me. I told her that I wasn't going to talk to her if she had been drinking so she told me she would use the breathalzyer and she blew a 0.00.

husband and I are in a wait and see mode. We gave her the eviction notice last week which gave her 30 days so that gives us some time to decide what we want to do. I am curious to see what happens at her DBT appointment next week. If her therapist tells her that she is not doing enough to continue therapy, I think it will be a big blow to difficult child.

 

[Nancy]

What did she want to talk about last night Kathy? One of the substance abuse counselors when difficult child was in rehab told us that addicts have a huge capacity for alcohol, they can hold their liquor better than anyone and takes a long time for anyone to notice they are drunk. I am reminded about my father who was a serious alcoholic and he too was mean when he drank. I was dating husband at the time and would get so upset when husband was over and my dad would come home and I would tell husband that he was drunk. husband would always say he didn't think he was drunk, he never noticed it unless dad was falling down or slurring his words. I could tell just by looking at him or by little behaviors that no one else would notice. I also remember at easy child's graduation and I let difficult child have a couple beers. I found out later she had at lease 12 beers and didn't believe it because she looked fine. You or I would never be able to function if we had as much to drink as they do.

Nancy

 

[Kathy813]

She came in to tell me that she had brought home some $20 off coupons for the salon that she would get credit for if they resulted in new business. She wanted to put them in the teacher mailboxes at my school. I told her that I would meet her in the front of the school and take her to the teacher mailroom so she could put them in the boxes.

I offered to meet her today at 3:00 and she announced that she had a facial scheduled at 3:00 and so meeting me at school would have to wait until Monday. Guess she was really concerned about her job.

She has not come home at all today.

 

[exhausted]

Kathy,
i am still thinking of you. I really hope the counselor does not stop work with your daughter. I just dont understand...these are the times they need the
most support. The emotional disregulation in Borderline (BPD) is so severe. She is still working and talking to you. This is good. I hope she came home.((hugs))

 

[Nancy]

Thinking of you too Kathy, have you heard from her?

Nancy

 

[Kathy813]

Yes, Nancy, she is always home by 11:00. That's the time we told her that we would lock the door and she would have to find somewhere else to stay for the night.

She also volunteered for a breathalyzer test and blew a 0.00. That's the thing about my difficult child. She is not out partying and getting drunk. She does it when she is upset and usually alone. I guess it truly is her coping mechanism. One that will kill her someday if she doesn't learn a better way to handle stress and disappointment.

difficult child is going to a hair show downtown today with some of the other people she works with at the salon. I suggested that she let someone else drive rather than take a chance with an unregistered car.

Thanks for asking!

 

[toughlovin]

OK this is my take on enabling etc. I think part of enabling is trying to control their drinking or drug use... you really cant do that. I think that is one thing we have to let go of. Preventing their drug use is trying to control it. So I think kicking her out because she is still drinking is in a sense trying to control it and you really cant do that.

I think the thing we can do is to put limits on those things that directly affect us and that is their behavior..... and things they want from us such as money.

So given that she is doing some of the right things with a job and therapy and assuming she is treating you ok and not creating total chaos and misery in your home.... I would let go of her drinking. That is her choice and if it is really bad it will affect the other things in her life. Dont fix the things in her life she screws up becuase of the drinking.... dont rescue her from her mistakes... by all means dont give her money... but I don't think you have to kick her out because she is still drinking.

Unless her behavor towards you is so unpleasant you cant stand it... then that is a different story.

I know we kicked our son out of our house and have kept him out. We kicked him out because he was making uas all miserable and was flagrantly violating our rules, the rules you would want any roommate to have... such as taking our car in the middle of the night without permission. We have kept him out because of some issues with my daughter that came out... and we realized that for her emotional well being he could not live here while he was such a mess. It was not good for her. Not sure where we would be if it was not for her to be honest.

I think part of learning not to enable is to not be so invested in if they are using or not... which I have definitely not mastered yet.

TL