She likes being miserable

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterby, Jul 21, 2009.

  1. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    That's what therapist said today and I agree. She's definitely getting something out of it, although I don't know what.

    We talked more about borderline and possibly schizoid. therapist said she does see traits of that, at least.

    therapist is focusing on changing behavior because often if you can change the behavior, the attitude will follow. I know that was true for me.

    She also wants to see me for my own appointment after every appointment with difficult child. It will be a different day, so I will be there twice a week.

    So, that's the latest.
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    One of the more frustrating things about a difficult child. The miserableness. I find it difficult to believe anyone WANTS or LIKES to be miserable, but it sure seems like our difficult children choose it at times.

    I agree with changing the behaviors. I look forward to the therapist's suggestions on how to do that.
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It does seem some people enjoy being miserable. Hoping the therapist's ideas will be very helpful!
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Miss KT went through a period of that, too. And I hated it. We were referring to her as "the marplot" because nothing was ever enough. It was really depressing to be around.
  5. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    therapist is starting with just trying to change her perspective a little bit - or at least show her that there is, in fact, another perspective.

    She's doing this through difficult child's journals. difficult child writes *very* well. She expresses herself amazingly well in her writing. And therapist plays up on that a lot. And she uses it to show her that while difficult child is writing about an experience that made her mad, upset her, whatever (miniscule situations blown out of proportion in typical difficult child fashion) that by the way she writes it, the reader actually finds the humor in it.

    It's hard to explain without giving specific examples, but difficult child isn't 'going off' about it like she would with me and she actually seems to listen to the therapist. She keeps taking in her journal writings, so that's a good sign.
  6. ML

    ML Guest

    Your therapist sounds good. I'm going to mine weekly now. She's a family counselor and we mostly talk about parenting strategies but she helps me with everything. She has a location downtown within walking distance from my work and she takes my insurance woohooo. Wishing you support. ODAAT Hugs, ML
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Great! The writing and info are a great idea.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Heather, I'm going to take issue with "she likes being miserable." I was told that about my dad, and I don't believe it's true. I think it's more this: Nobody likes to be miserable--that's like a contradiction. I think some people like the illusion of self-pity and misery so that they can garner sympathy. THAT makes them happy. I do think my father is in that category. Being miserable is, well, MISERABLE :tongue:. But pretending to feel like the world just done you wrong and getting all sorts of sympathy for that has a real payoff. So, while I could be wrong, I think it could be more that than actually enjoying being unhappy.
  9. Christy

    Christy New Member

    A benefit of being miserable is that you can make those around you miserable as well. You can make someone miserable with worry or pity for you. Or, you can act so glum that you spoil vacations, family outings, etc... It can be powerful and gives a whole new meaning to the saying misery loves company!
  10. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member

    I think Christy is right; it definitely can be a power issue. She gets to control the tone of the household.

    Also... many difficult children (including mine!) see themselves as victims. By blaming others, they don't have to take responsibility for their own actions or feelings. They can be miserable, and it's all someone else's fault.

    Glad you have a therapist that you like. They can be hard to find!
  11. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    difficult child is definitely a 'victim'; always has been. That's always been so hard for me because I do not do well with the victim mentality.

    MWM, I really think you're splitting hairs. I'm sure she doesn't like being miserable, but she doesn't dislike it enough to want to change her behaviors. There is no "pretending to feel like the world has done her wrong", she wholeheartedly believes it. In other words, nothing is her fault; it's always someone elses. Therefore, she doesn't have to change her behavior, everyone else does and, thus, she will always be miserable because everyone is not going to change their behaviors to suit her.

    She also refuses any and all medications. Period. For anything. When I've said to her that I want her to take the medications because I don't want her to be so unhappy, she responded with, "So? I'm not going to die." :hammer:
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There is a very real issue going on. I have met her and she was on good behavior because we were "strangers".

    A very simple conversation about whether or not her brother was being loud or angry deteriorated into her having to have her "way" with the conversation because she just knew best that loud meant angry no matter what. No one else could be right that he could just be loud without being angry. She knew best and when Heather said...Ok. Simply OK...she stalked off to her room.

    By the wasnt angry when he got Didnt seem all that loud to me either.
  13. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I remember when I was 15. I liked being miserable. When I was sad at least I was feeling something. Since I was so depressed I wasn't capable of feeling happy but I could feel sad and it was better than the nothingness-feeling. It reminded me that I was human and still alive. I felt that as long as I kept feeling something there was hope. It wasn't a choice between feeling Happy vs. Sad. It was feeling something vs. feeling nothing.

    Once the depression lifted, I was able to feel happy again.
  14. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Janet, didn't I time the "SLAM" just right? :rofl:
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, Heather, I absolutely believe you that she thinks the entire world has done her wrong and she feels like a victim. I can only imagine all the sympathy she hopes to garner by being a victim. So, yes, I guess you could say it's splitting hairs. I've seen my dad pout (not a pretty picture) just so that we would make a big fuss over him and give him all the attention that he seems to crave.
  16. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    JJJ, I agree with you. We know she's depressed. We're not allowed to say it out loud, however, because she will go off....she's not depressed, she knows herself better than anyone else, no one ever believes her, she's always wrong......

    I'm not sure about the attention seeking aspect of it, though. She doesn't get attention from it; she isolates herself because of it. That's why her therapist and I are talking about schizoid pd in addition to borderline. Maybe if she isolates herself she can avoid life? That's one of the biggest reasons I'm glad she has a PCA now.

    Janet, easy child was on good behavior, too. :D He's always loud.