She made her choice

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by curlycallie, Oct 10, 2009.

  1. curlycallie

    curlycallie New Member

    I have given my difficult child 3 weeks since we found that she had stolen money and jewelry from us to clean up her life. I guess her time is up. I found drug evidence in her purse 2 days ago and confronted her today after husband and I had agreed on a plan. Her option was treatment through our medical insurance or the juvenile system. She said she agreed to go, didn't want any part of jail. So we said she must stay home until we get something arranged with Kaiser Permanente. She would go to school only until the plans were worked out. I guess I should have realized that it seemed too easy. It was too quiet upstairs so husband checked to see if she was ok and lo and behold she had left without anyone seeing. So with a sad heart but strangely calm I called the police to charge her with the crimes. The officer involved is now on his 3 days off so I agreed to wait until Wednesday(when he gets back) to actually charge her. Seems strange to me but I suppose there is no huge rush. I just feel sad for her. husband says he hardly feels anything for her anymore. He's tired of being jerked around. I won't change my plans but I feel sorry for her. I guess I'm posting not to get answers but more to vent. Thanks for listening.
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I'm so sorry she's causing you so much grief. Is there a reason she's not on any medications for her bipolar disorder?
  3. rlsnights

    rlsnights New Member

    Many hugs to you and your husband. I agree that it is very freeing to finally accept a difficult reality. And it is sad.
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

  5. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    I'm so sorry she's put you in a position of having to follow through, but I applaud your consistency. You are right, this is her choice. It's so incredibly frustrating, when there's an easier path and a harder one, to watch them make a beeline for the hard one.

    The positive is that she's young, and hopefully being held accountable for her choice will wake her up and make her more open to getting help.

    Gentle hugs to you - and sending much strength for the coming week. Remember to take care of yourself!
  6. lizanne2

    lizanne2 New Member

    Hugs to you!
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, I am so sorry. You must be so exhausted.
    You are doing the right thing. No backtracking. I understand your husband's emotional plight as well.
    Stay strong.
  8. TPaul

    TPaul Idecor8

    So sorry for what you are having to go through! I too though applaud you for keeping to your guns about the ultimatum, and when she did not comply following through.

    Surely at first she will be rather upset, but hopefully as she goes through the process she will be made to get on medications to help her BiPolar (BP) and learn how to get away from the illicit drugs and stay sober. Hopefully for her this will be a wake up call, and she will see that you did this for her, not to her, and she'll have a chance to have a better life.

    Many, Many, Many soft and gentle hugs and couple of affirmations too.
  9. curlycallie

    curlycallie New Member

    Thank you for all you kind words and support. I wish I didn't have to wait until Wed. because I hate this waiting. The officer we have worked with has been very supportive so I want to honor his request to see it through. The reason difficult child isn't on medications is because she won't see a Dr. and the only drug she's interested in is Adderall. She was able to stay up longer and function on very little sleep. Both of her diagnoses were from a very poor excuse for a psch. He is retiring and I'm trying to get her an appointment. with a new one. I talked at length with another psychiatric. from Kaiser who was filling in for our previous Dr. I connected with her right away so would like her to be our difficult child's new Dr. I'm still continuing on with the Kaiser option until Wed. just in case(doubt it) difficult child does what we've asked. I figure I can always cancel appointment.'s easily. My husband is still in turmoil about all this and I keep telling him what this new psychiatric. said to me that really made sense. She said " you have to do what you think is right, and if it still ends badly you know you've done what you could." I just want her to get the help she needs before she turns 18 because I know I definitely won't be able to help her after that. That is only a yr. away so I feel pressure to act.
  10. curlycallie

    curlycallie New Member

    difficult child came home last night begging for me to get her an appointment. to talk to someone at Kaiser. She won't do as we asked a few days ago which was, stay away from the boyfriend, stay home etc. Because she wouldn't cooperate, husband and I has decided the jjsystem was the only way to force her to treatment. Now she's begging? What's up? I can't tell if it's another manipulation. Most likely is but I will still try to get an appointment. as soon as I can. Does anyone have suggestions of what I can say that will get their attention so we can get this appointment. sooner? Thanks
  11. horserider

    horserider New Member

    When you say, "get the appointment sooner", do you mean with the dr.? If so I would call the new dr. back and ask if she can "squeeze" you in.
    The jjc would be a real I opener for her I'm sure, but in my humble opinion I would go the therapy route if possible. The thing we have learned about dealing with- the court system instead of Residential Treatment Center (RTC), etc is they basically have your difficult child's life in their hands. The program they have our difficult child in is not the one I would have choosen, he is to ill. I tried to have him moved but that was a battle I lost. Another problem with the jjc, with the daily charge we will be paying for this the rest of our life.

    We did have in home therapy, through our Community Mental Health for a year that worked out pretty good, until they could not extend anymore time. The therapist and casemanager each came out once a week. It was helpful to set bounderies and have someone "checking in". An option you may want to look into with your CMH. Our ins. would not pay for this. Will your ins. pay for weekly therapy with- the dr? Once or twice a month is usually not enough for BiPolar (BP) children that have issues going on.

    I agree you have to get things in motion now because of her age. Our son will be 18 in 14 months also. Times running out. My difficult child wrote me a letter saying ..."you can tell kids it is hard in the jjc, you don't want to end up there, but you have no idea how bad it really is until you live here."
    It was our absolute last straw with- him to let the police take him, instead of residential this time.

    Hugs and Take care, let us know what happens
  12. bramblewoodbabydoll

    bramblewoodbabydoll Ambiguous Witch

    many many hugs to you!!
    I would imagine she came home because its harder on the streets then she thinks or perhaps things just werent going her way... I would say get the MD appointment or if you need immediate help just take her to the emergency room and have them put her on the psychiatric floor - It worked for me. Tell them she needs to detox (if you believe drugs to be in her system) and you believe she is unstable, a threat to herself because of poor judgement.
    I agree with the other posts, putting her in juvie would be a last resort, in my humble opinion that is. Good luck to you and to your family.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    This is a tough situation. You are probably right about this new desire for an appointment being a manipulation. The new doctor is also right in that you have to do what you believe is right and then regardless of how it turns out you will know you have done all you can.

    If you want inpatient treatment you will have to Baker Act her for a 72 hour psychiatric hold. Baker Act is the law that lets a person be involuntarily held in a hospital for up to 72 hours. Note it is UP TO and not 72 hours period. In order for the hospital to hold her she must be a imminent danger to herself, other people or property. If she is all sweet and polite at the ER you will have no luck with this.

    To get her into the new psychiatrist you will have to either ask to be "squeezed in" or explain everything to the scheduler. Sometimes crying helps, sometimes it doesn't.

    If you want to find other options start with the school resource officer (cop who is stationed at the school). In middle school Wiz' RO gave me a LONG list of possible placements to try to get help for Wiz. Our therapist (with 10+ years of practice in the community) was unaware of more than half of them.

    Whatever happens, I hope that it helps.
  14. iloveturtles

    iloveturtles Guest

    As a teenager I pulled the kind of things that it sounds like you are going through. Now as an adult, my oldest has pulled them on me. Fortunately I was a little more equipped than my parents to deal with what was going on. The best way to go is to not soften the fall. Draw your line and stick with it no matter how hard or how much it "looks" like there has been change. It certainly helped me when my parents let me fall on my butt.

    The only thing that builds trust is time.

    I will be praying for you and your family.
  15. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Hugs for you
  16. curlycallie

    curlycallie New Member

    Good Morning all,
    I did get an appointment. for today, unfortunately it is with the original Dr. We just want to get things moving while she is cooperative. Her first response to me when she found out it was him was anger and refusal. Me, being totally fed up and wiped out yelled right back that the only other option was jail. She then goes into her speech about how I lied to her that he was retiring(which he is in Nov.) Whatever I said then seemed to cut her short and she realized she has to go. I've been reading "Walking on Eggshells" and other books on Borderline Per. Dis. and she has many of the behaviors. This makes more sense to me that the other diagnosis. by this Dr. The raging, lack of impulse control, stealing, lying and always the victim are all very familiar to me. Getting her to admit she has a "problem" is going to be difficult to put it mildly. I'm thinking too much again!! I'll let you know how today's appointment. goes. Thank you again for being so kind to a newbie.
  17. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hi -

    I have a few suggestions if you want to get her in front of a judge for help. But like horse-rider said - the courts may/may not be helpful. Once she's in Department of Juvenile Justice system you really have very little input on what they can do for her. My son was suicidal on Zoloft and the minute he got to Department of Juvenile Justice they put him on Zoloft - I found out a month later - begged them to take him off, he tried to hang himself in his cell (I was told by his "caseworker" I was being an overbearing parent on the phone the same exact time she got the emergency call that he attempted to hang himself) so just use court as a very last resort. FYI.

    If you want to get her in front of a judge call the county clerk of family courts and file a petition of incorigibility. You have to have documentation ie: school records, police reports that you can't handle her at home. This will get you an appointment with a judge and you can see what the best course of action is from there. It may/may not involve her going to jail. It would be nice if there was a work camp or place that just worked the snot out of these kids but Department of Juvenile Justice according to my son was like a Day care. (gosh thanks Department of Juvenile Justice) We thought - WELL NOW THIS WILL BREAK HIM - and nah....15 minutes after he was home from a 90 day lock up - he was as disrespectful and in our face as ever. 15 minutes....not 15 hours, or days - 15 minutes - he was 16 years old.

    I don't know where you live - but I would check with your Mental Health workers and call around and see if there are Parent Advocate groups that you can network with for support and advice locally - they may have suggestions about placements, like group homes and assisted living temporary homes, girls homes - things like that. Sometimes Catholic Charities, Lutheran Services have suggestions. There are agencies out there - but they are just hanging out in the yellow pages saying HEY here we are - Free help. Sadly - they're hidden and you have to know or be in the know to get the help. You need to see if there is a local Protection and Advocacy group or P&A for mentally ill people and ask them for help. NAMI chapters are around - find them - see who's in charge and get in with them too - they'll know where you can get help. If there is a group called Federation of Families locally? Find them - Find out of there is a parents group of Bi-Polar Parents that meet and has ideas or thoughts about help.

    Networking is going to help you more than the courts I'm afraid. We hope and think that a stint in jail would give our kids shock value but sadly it rarely does. IT just makes them a little wiser to how to handle themselves the next time they go in. Probation? Well that's a little bit of "You do this or you will go to jail for XX years and that CAN have some effect on a kid = that and telling them every cent they earn for years goes for restitution." That seems to have done it for our son - mostly. (I hope)

    As far as talking to her? I really like this book and recommend it often - How to talk to teens so they will listen and how to listen so teens will talk. It's about effective communication and how we speak to each other. It's really about one of the best books I've ever read on how to get a teenager to open up and how NOT TO ENGAGE IN a yelling match when you can't control things - like - old crusty doctor is still in practice and not your fault. It is what it is child. Walk away Mom.

    I'm glad you found us. You never said what personal consequence you have for the jewelry and drugs...What chores are you making her do for you daily to pay back the jewelry? Do you have a written contract that is binding if you do go to court? Something she signed stating YeS she DID take XX $$ worth of your jewelry - and list it's description and value and that she will never bring XX drugs in to your house after you did find them?

    THings like that? Need to have a family meeting - need to have a written contract - she should be in on the consequences but not totally decide what her punishment is - but there needs to be hard labor around the house daily - and added time/consequences for that. Not threats.....real life IF XX does not happen XX WILL. And make it something she says - OKAY I agree - and then you all sign, date and she gets a copy -

    When my son became part of the decision making process of his own consequences it really helped him more to stick to his word because HE didn't want to come off like an idiot. (really really) and then I could realy come back and say (WELL YOU chose THAT consequence) like NO TV and no stereo or NO friends for a week or something menial. ;) And if he totally shut down? Well we had 3 passes a week that he could grab - use for 1 hour - and those gave him time to cool off and come back to the chore at hand and then get busy - it helped it take a walk and not blow up, or use anger management techniques he learned in thearapy. THAT was his life saver. That and getting older I think.

    Hugs -
  18. curlycallie

    curlycallie New Member

    Thank you Star. What a gift of information. husband and I will take more time tonight to read more carefully. difficult child had her appointment. yesterday and evidently told DR. enough to get referred to addiction medicine. He made her make the call while he talked to husband and I. She has an appointment. with them tomorrow AM. It was what we thought, smoking heroin. I think it's been going on for months, maybe 6-7. I believe it will be in-patient treatment? Will find out more tomorrow. Right now I can't get past how angry I am her and the loser boyfriend. He was calling her a short time after she got home and when I picked up the phone he was afraid to talk. He's such a wuss! husband told difficult child he wouldn't call boyfriend's dad about what we found out but I didn't. I think dad has the right to know what he's working with. I wish there were some way legally that I could make enough trouble for boyfriend so he would be too afraid to contact her. I can't charge him with the theft of the rings unless I charge her also, so that's out. I have to have her cooperation as far as the underage sex, so that's out too. I know he was supplying alcohol to her but can't prove it. His father told husband that he is moving in with his fiance soon so the boyfriend will be out of a place to live. His mother lives in Arizona and she is coming here to talk with him in a few weeks. Hopefully he will move back with her. My luck doesn't go that well though. Does anybody have suggestions about what I can do to keep him away?? I know revenge is not a healthy fixation but it would feel really good! Thanks to you all-