She never wants to bring her friends home

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by MidwestMom, Jun 4, 2011.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Jumper is a social butterfly with more friends than people I've known in my life. I know she's not on drugs or having wild sex...please don't bring that up. It's not happening.

    What IS happening is that she is always busy, always going somewhere, but s he doesn't like to bring her friends home and she never does. I know most of her friends from the days when she DID bring them home, but that was over a year ago. Today I had planned the afternoon for her and me to go shopping and eat out. She played a softball game in the morning, rode home with somebody else's family, then, when she got home, announced that she was asked to go tubing with her friend and that she can't go out with me. Can she do it later?

    This would be a no-big-deal-typical-teen except that she was gone all three days last weekend (including Friday night) and last night she was at a surprise party for a friend. I told her enough was enough. She had to spend family time with us. She said "no." I said "yes." She stomped upstairs, pouted, and started crying. I took my son shopping and just got home.

    She is in her room, cleaning her jungle, and pouting/crying. Please tell me if this is reasonable or something you may do to your fourteen, almost fifteen year old daughter who is basically a easy child.

    Me: You can go to T's house, but then she has to spend the same amount of time here. I never see your friends anymore. I don't care if you go, but you have to ask people back here.

    Her: I don't like inviting people here.

    Me: Why? Are you ashamed of the house?

    Her: No, I just don't like to bring people here.

    Me: Well, you have to bring your friends here or you can't go with them to their homes.


    Me: Is that fair?

    Her: Will you please leave me alone? You want me to do something YOU want me to do.

    Me: Yes. We all have to do things we don't like to do sometimes. I drive you all over the place. So does Dad. We do it to make your happy, not because we like to drive all over.

    Her: Please get out of my room (crying).

    I did.

    Am I asking too much of somebody her age?

    Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with it? Should I just let her spend all her time at other people's houses? I'm not afraid that anything "bad" is going on there. I just think she should allow me to know her friends, just like her friend's parents know her.

    Thoughts? Criticisms? Anything? Is s he too old for me to insist on this?
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm honestly not sure what I think, lol, which for me is highy unusual. Off the top of my head I tend to think that if she is just going with the flow with other easy child's that it sounds normal for that age. I was a easy child and I always enjoyed going to other kids's houses more than I liked having them at mine......and there was nothing wrong about my family or house at all. I followed the family rules, my parents knew where I was and who I was with, and I came home on schedule. Clearly I remember that it even was fun to help my friend's when they had to clean their rooms or do other chores. Why? I'm not sure even now.

    I did have other girls over to spend the night now and then. on the other hand it was alot more fun to spend the night at their homes.
    My parents encouraged me to entertain more but I didn't do that until I was in late high school and college. Out of the eight kids I've raised (or mosty raised) the boys were more likely to have friends at our house come to think of it. Maybe it's just a girl thing. I surely wouldn't try to stifle it and end up with unnecessary conflicts as it's such an important age. If you get wind of "issues" then that's a different story. DDD
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't think there are any issues at all. I just think it's not good for a younger teen like her to NEVER be home. When I say never, I mean never. Whether or not she likes it more at somebody else's house, is it wrong to make her sometimes have sleepovers here?
  4. keista

    keista New Member

    It sounds pretty typical to me, but that doesn't make it right. No I don't think you're asking to much of her.

    I'd try getting to the bottom of why she doesn't want to bring ppl there. Could partly be the stress/embarrassment of Sonic. She might understand him, and be able to deal, but try explaining his quirks to your teen gfs - UHG.

    Or maybe she's more stressed than she lets on and getting out and constant change of scenery is "therapeutic" DD1 has been in and extreme and chronic "I'm bored" mode, but when she has the chance to go to a friend's or the neighbor's that boredom lifts at least for the time she's gone. You know "the grass is always greener......."

    Try planning a "party" with her to get the friends over. Could be just inviting friends over to "hang" isn't appealing since it sounds like she's always doing stuff when she goes there. She may perceive all the other families as more 'interesting, cool, etc'

    Again, I find the behavior itself in the normal range. I find your desire for more family time normal as well. I wouldn't give up on trying to strike "time-sharing" deals with her.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    She came downstairs and we talked and I told her that I was disappointed that we weren't going to spend time together and somehow we both ended up crying and hugging.

    Life is so much easier with a child who has a easy child personality then a difficult child (I've had both). This one could be called a difficult child only because she is Learning Disability (LD).

    She promised to bring more friends over, but assured us it wasn't the house. Tomorrow we are going to watch high school graduation together and then go out to eat. I guess I'll just leave it at that. She's a good kid.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    well I never had girls and the grands havent reached teen years yet so I may not be the best one to ask but I will throw in my two cents anyway.

    I think she is probably pretty normal. Arent you an older mom? I know my parents were older than most of my friends parents and that sort of embarrassed me when I was a kid. Not saying that is what at play with your daughter at all. Just maybe. Also...I came from a pretty affluent home and I didnt want friends over either and I wanted to stay at my friends houses so I dont think its a money thing. I think 14 year olds are just trying their wings. You may be seeing a whole lot of the back of her head right now but in a little while you will be seeing the smiles again...just wait. She still needs momma.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    For the most part teens do not want their friends to meet their parents. I remember the embarrassment that my parents might do something "strange". Mostly my friends liked my parents and had fun with them - and I did too. I liked my parents as people even as a teen. But that is very strange. One friend never wanted to have us at her house for long. It was a mix of a lot of things - the house was small, dirty, smelly and her older brother was a druggie and a jerk. They didn't come to my house much because my bro was scary to all of us. He was a real difficult child and he did enough things to let them know to not be around him or any of his friends. Normally we would have flocked to an older bro who was in college. In college towns the girls in jr high want to date the high school boys and the girls in high school want to date the college guys. ANd this is a mostly college town. But the guys my bro chose as friends were as difficult child as he was and often did not bathe. Or they did but they never ever washed their clothes. They were mostly from other countries and I am not joking when I say that he chose them because how bad they smelled. Each one was stinkier than the one before. My father, who is NEVER rude to guests had to throw quite a few of them out of the house because they smelled so horrible we were actually vomiting. Bro would bring them home for a meal and no one but him and the guest could eat. After one guest my mother had to throw away the cushions on the kitchen chair he sat in because in an hour it got a smell so bad that NOTHING got it out - not washing, not bleach, not ammonia, not drycleaning, not even keeping it in a trash bag with charcoal to absorb the odors. Another guy my bro invited to stay with us for a night over winter break and the guy wouldn't leave and my dad could not even go into the kitchen with-o vomiting. That man has maybe vomited six times in his life other than when these people came into our home. I had not actually EVER seen my father vomit or known that he had been sick. He hates to and refused to but their was NO way to not with the way these guys smelled. My dad had to throw the overnight guest out _ bro had a giant fit because in that guys country it is the worst you can ever do to ask a guest to leave regardless of how long they were there. My mother had to send the couch out to be cleaned and she threw the bedding in my bro's room away. She made bro pay for replacements and the cleaning too.

    these "friends" and my bro's gfgness were why my friends didn't hang out at my house.

    You and jumper need to work out a compromise. She spends time iwth the family and with you and has her friends over sometimes (trust me, they usually won't mind and will enjoy not being at their own home all the time) and she can spend a certain amount of time out with friends. make sure that chores figure in her home time also.

    It is good that you talked it out. Isn't it amazing the difference between this problem with a difficult child and with a easy child? I have similar episodes with Jess - and she is usually sorry and we are talking in out in an hour or so. Learning to handle that and NOT react the way I would with Wiz was a real eye opener for me, lol.
  8. erbaledge

    erbaledge New Member

    My son (14) does not like to have his friends here. Don't get me wrong, he has had them come for a couple of hours, just not recently, and not for an overnight. Today he asked to spend the night at his best friends', I said sure, but then texted him why he doesn't have the friend stay the night here - the response I got was somewhat expected - his gfg16 sister, and also his younger sister (10).
    I'm not sure if yours is a similar situation. My son is embarrassed at how my oldest acts (gfg16) and his younger sis sometimes trys to interact with him and his friends - which is not cool you know, because she's not a boy, lol.