She was raped!

[rejectedmom]

Bran, I am sorry that your daughter was hurt and that you and your family and friends are suffering.

You said that you feel like your daughter needs you and you cannot get to her. Sadly, right now in your daughter's reality she doesn't "need" anyone. All she "needs" is her fix. That is what she is working the streets for and why she will do anything for it. As with any person with an addictive personality you cannot help her untill she wants the help. Getting her off the street and into jail might make her want it but it also might not. Be prepared for that also. I do think it is a good idea to try as it will give her the opportunity to feel clean again. When she does and her head clears, maybe she will want to help herself so she doesn't go back to the streets.

As far as getting her declared incompetant, I am not sure how to go about that. I have a feeling that each state's procedures would be different. I think that it would most likely entail a new psychiatric evaluation. I believe you have to file a motion to your local family court. The judge reviews it and orders the evaluation and then depending on the results will decide what course of action should be taken. At least that is what I was told here in my state a few years back.

Right now you definately need to take care of yourself and your fragile health. Taking drugs perscribed for someone else is not a good way to do that. I am glad you are going to the clinic and hope that the doctor will address all your needs in a comprehensive manner. -RM

 

[Stella]

Just want to join in with the otherr in sending you Hugs and support Bran.

MWM, that's horrific what happened to your daughter too and how amazing is it that she came through it. There is always hope...

 

[totoro]

Sending you strength and love.
Please stop trying to fix this all in your head. It will drive you crazy, trying to imagine if and when she get over all of this.
She will get through this, if she can get help for her Mental Illness and she chooses to take the help.

You really are doing what you can and what is needed.
But like the others said, you absolutely need to take care of yourself.

Is there a NAMI or any other Mental Illness support group you can go to?
The ones I have gone to have had plenty of parents that needed support.
Sometimes being around others in person is a huge help.

This is a pretty good site with laws and lawyers who work pro-bono. They may be able answer questions.
http://www.bazelon.org/

Hang in there. If you need to take your mind off of things... Get outside even if it is cold, just for a few minutes. Breathe some fresh air. Clear your head just briefly.

 

[Nancy]

Shawna, I am so sorry. You know there are so many similarities between your difficult child and mine, and this is something I fear deep down in my soul. She already is obsessed with a guy at school who everyone calls a pimp as a joke but I'm not kidding you, he acts like one and my difficult child would gladly pimp for him. He treats her like **** and she says she would rather fight with him than kiss anyone else and that she has waited all her life for him.

What you said about how this shouldn't happen, she has a good family who loves her, is all so true. I too wonder how my difficult child can think that anything on the street is better than what she has here. I guess we have to accept that our difficult child's are very hurt, emotionally unstable young adults and that none of this has anything to do with what we did or didn't do.

You do have to take care of yourself because at the moment you are all you can take care of. If and when your daughter wants help, you need to be able to give it, but only if you are as strong within yourself. You need to show her that there is a better life and that you are living it.

I'm sending all the positive thoughts I can to you. This must be the most awful thing a mother can go through.

Hugs,
Nancy

 

[Steely]

Shawna.............I actually have an answer to one of your questions. YAY! I feel like I can help. Finally.

Instead of declaring him incompetent - you can file for extended custody of your over 18 child. For me to be granted extended custody, I simply needed the psychiatric dr talking to the lawyer about Matt's disabilities and illness, my agreement, and Matt's agreement. Now getting B's agreement could be hard, but not once she is in jail, because she will be dried up and ready to sign anything that will help her stay out of jail (I would assume). I presented the document to Matthew as the only way he would continue to get the right kind of help, and not end up in jail. And he signed it.

Once you have extended custody, if the kid has any sort of out burst (as Matthew did - full blown - all 6'3 of him), they cannot take them to jail, they have to take them to a psychiatric unit. So in Matt's outburst the police took Matt in handcuffs to the pysch unit and put him on a 72 hour hold, where he had to be evaluated. What he did not know is that I had still had legal jurisdiction over which hospital he would go to - state or private - so he sweat out his 72 hour hold thinking he was going to state. I was then able to transfer him to a private hospital.

Seriously the best counsel I have ever gotten was to get this extended custody - otherwise Matt would have gone down in flames, gotten a record, and would have been kicked out of his program. I only got it for 3 months, it was called an "emergency extended custody", but you can get it for an indefinite amount of time as well.

I hope this helps??

 

[WSM]

OMG, I'm so sorry. Sometimes I think this is harder on you than her. At least (I'm so sorry to say this), but at least she has her angel dust to escape into.

I can only imagine what you are going thru, but you asked can she overcome being raped as well as prostituting herself. Yes.

There are lots of stories about this, Maya Angelou is one. Oprah Winfrey is another (Oprah did not prostitute, but did get raped. Maya was a prostitute).

Also, I know of another. My stepkids Biomom, I'll call Karin. Karin is bipolar II and probably also schizophrenic. In any case she lives in psychosis for about 10 months of the year. Drugs help, she won't comply.

Her rock bottom was this: it was about 2002 and she was 6 months pregnant, didn't know how, in psychosis, wandering the streets, shouting at god. Yes, this well educated nurse, daughter of an Ivy League literature professor, who grew up upper middle class was dumpster diving for dinner.

She went into 7-11 and the counter lady saw blood gushing out between her legs. Karin was oblivious. The lady called 911 and Karin was minutes from delivering a stillborn. She was taken to the hospital, stablized and put into a psychiatric ward for about 2 months.

Released her into a halfway house, she had appropriate support, she got a parttime job and of course stopped taking medications. Got sick again. Was wandering the street at 2 or 3 at night looking for cigarettes (she was the type who if driving while in psychosis would just stop the car on the freeway, get out and wander away leaving it there).

Three guys came up to her. They raped and beat her and were going to beat her to death, except one guy thought better of it and persuaded the others to leave. She was found by passersby and taken to the hospital.

She has absolutely no memory, shame or emotional problems connected with these incidents. I think I am more scarred by them just hearing about them years later than she is.

This time the hospital released her to a county mental health program that is absolutely a leader in the country (we've tried to get difficult child in, since this is his mom, and we saw what they did for her, and figured they'd have special insight on how to treat him. But they will only take people one Medicaid and we have insurance and a good income. They would not even recommend someone for us).

Anyway, this program stabilized her, got her SSDI, got guardianship over her (so they got her SSDI money), put her into an subsidized apartment with a roommate, helped her buy a car and get utilities turned on, helped her cleaned up her legal problems (special mental health courts), put her on a therapy schedule, both group and individual, and gave her a schedule to come in once a week for her medications/shots that kept her stable. After she got her shots and did her two therapy groups a week, she got one fourth of her SSDI money. Handed it out right there. No compliance, no cash. No cash, no cigarettes and food.

She HATED it. But she complied. And she thrived. Who cared if she groused. She became healthy, she got a parttime job to supplement the SSDI, she started dating, she got to see her kids every weekend and every other weekend after six months of compliance she got an unsupervised overnight (it wasn't optimal from where we stood, we heard stories that curled our hair, like the six year old carrying the water that was used to boil eggs from the stove to the sink to drain...but...well, we had little choice...). Her parents came down and they did a nice Xmas in their timeshare, she flew up to visit with her sister.

Her life wasn't wonderful, but it was good and had good parts in it, and could have been satisfactory. The rape and the miscarriage and the unexplained pregnacy (which she did remember) never ever bothered her.

I wonder if in B's case, the angel dust will have the same effect as the psychosis had on Karin; whenshe gets out of that life, it will not be remembered or will seem as tho it happened to someone else.

Think back to your college days; for me, I know I barely recognized the person I was, so different from me now.

There are actually a lot of professionals who do know how to help get runaways back into society, gang members to go straight, drug addicts to live clean, and prostitutes back into the mainstream--if they want to. The help will be there when she's willing to do the work, and they've met this issue before.

And there are programs that can help the most hardcore hopeless. You'd think Karin was hardcore hopeless, but this program worked for two years. I am bitterly disappointed we can't get them to help with her son, our difficult child. They would if he were on Medicaid... We are so frustrated, someday difficult child will be in that program I'm sure, when he's 18 and forced out of the house...but why should it be done the hard way and 10 years after we know their help is needed.

After two years everyone is in that program is moved off Medicaid and onto Medicare and have to leave the program. Karin fell apart and is back into the cycle of homelessness, psychosis, hospitalization, brief rehab, relapse, homelessness...

But the point is, there is help somewhere and she does not necessarily have to be scarred. Her experience might be so surreal, the brain protects itself and cannot compute it. And the point is there are programs...just not enough. But they exist and there is help.

Many hugs to you. Many, many, hugs.

 

[WSM]

OMG, I have a friend who was a heroin addict and prostitute. I forgot all about her past.

Lori was a middle class kid who drifted into heroin in HS. By the early 80's she was on the street hooking for her fix. She's got the needle tracks to prove it. She did this for about 12 years, had the pimp, the beatings, the weirdo customers.

She hit hooker rock bottom and heroin rock bottom (different from our rock bottoms), and joined a program and sort of got out. By sort of, she pretty much stopped hooking and heroin, but did recreational other drugs, like cocaine and pot, and slept around, and sometimes for goods or services (but opportunitistically, not the the streets).

But she managed to keep a job, and keep an apartment, and pay her bills and get along. Not optimal, but a huge step forward. She met a guy, not the greatest, also a drug user and violent, but kept a job, paid his bills, and they rubbed along.

Then she got pregnant. And she was about 35 and it just popped for her: she got herself straightened all the way out. No more drugs, no more drinking, worked harder, got promoted, got a certificate. Pushed her husband into cleaning up his act a bit; he got a better job, they bought a house.

The baby was born austistic and had a few other problems. Husband was a rotten husband and father and had no interest in the baby and his problems except to get the kid to shut up. She divorced him.

She spent the next 15 years being a regular mom, suburban single, office worker, advocate for her kid. She reestablished tied with her family (which took about a decade because they ...had...had...enough...back in her hooker/heroin days.

She worked with her son and he's a nice kid, high functioning austistic with a future. She remarried a nice guy and is happy. She's now a supervisor at work. She has a number of leftover physical problems from her heroin abusing days: diabetes, arthritis, a perceptual problem with her brain, a very weak immune system so that she catches everything that goes around and is sicker with it. But all in all, her life is good and bright.

She does remember the bad things she did and that happened to her and others. But altho she generally keeps it to herself (doesn't discuss it at PTA), she's not embarassed by her past, nor does it depress or shame her. It was what it was.

I cannot believe I forgot about Lori's story--but that just goes to show you how 'normal' and integrated into regular american life she now is.

 

[bran155]

Thank you again. I just have to keep saying thank you as I cannot find a stronger word to show my gratitude for all of the support I continually receive here.

To those of you who shared your very personal stories, thank you just doesn't seem like enough. I so appreciate the fact that you shared them with me. They do give me hope. I guess there is life after the gutter - hu?

totoro: Thank you for those links. I will surely need them.

Steely: Yes, you did help. I am going to start making phone calls to inquire about doing just what you suggested on Monday! I took a B free day today. After my horrible morning I decided that I would not spend the day wallowing in self pity. So Monday I will get back on the horse! I like your idea actually better than declaring her. I really didn't want to do that, I just want to ensure her safety once she is caught. Your idea works much better as I will at least have a say in her treatment without having her sent to a carppy state hospital. Thank you!

I haven't heard anything from V or the family as of yet. I am hoping to get a call later on tonight saying that B is in custody!!! Keeping my finger's crossed. I did make one call today regarding this horror. I called and left the detective a message but he has yet to return my call and it's now 6 pm so I would imagine I won't hear from him today!

My sister called and told me to get dressed she was picking me up to go get our nails done. So, I got to get out of the house. It is a beautiful day here. I couldn't help but think of B the entire time. I even saw her old school friend there which only made me more upset. I just wish I could take B to get her nails done - ya know? I want so much to be able to do "normal" mother-daughter things with her. I hope one day we will be able to.

Thank you again my friends. I am so sorry that I haven't been responding to other threads lately, I am just so pre-occupied with my own hell right now. I hope that isn't being selfish. If so, I am sorry.

I will keep you all posted.

Shawna

 

[bran155]

Oh I forgot to tell you that the clinic is closed tonight!!! Of course, the day I decide to go for help the place is bleepin closed!!! It will re-open next Friday and I will absolutely be there.

 

[totoro]

Hey! We don't want your support right now!
We want to support you!

That is what this place is all about.
I think most would agree, if we in even a tiny way can help ease your pain, or help you through even one day, then the board is doing what it was created for.

 

[Marguerite]

I'm so sorry you are hurting like this. You need to get help for you, fast. Get to your doctor, stop waiting by the phone because if it's important you'll still find out, someone will call back or go roundto see you or leave a message. But go get help. You're no good to anyoone if you have a stroke or end up in hospital yourself.

What about your son? How is he in all thi? He must be feeling so angry, so afraid and so hurt.

she cannot be rescued. she must rescue herself. All plans to charge to the rescue and drag her off the streets - these are most unlikely to work, especially since she has a pimp who will come after her, even if, by some total miracle, she makes the decision herself to go clean and straight. Like, she had the chance before to go clean and straight, BEFORE it got to this, and she still chose to head for thestreets? Now she has someone who has a financial interest in her, he won't let her go so easily. Getting HIM off the streets would be the priority and frankly that is a job for the cops, not for civilians.

I am so, so sorry, but NOBODY can step in and rescue this girl. She is not a baby, she is an adult (in the eyes of the law). You COULD try to get extended custody, but while you still had it, did it make any difference? What could you do with it now?

What you MUST do is look after her mother. If/when your daughter "sees the light" then she will need YOU in one piece, healthy and ready to help her find her way back. But SHE has to do this, all you can do (I know it's horrible) is wait.

If anyone else steps in, then it's not HER doing it, therefore she will never own it, therefore she will not have REALLY made the change in herself, therefore she is a sitting target for any pimp who comes along wanting to make some money from her (taking a portion of her prostitution earnings plus taking the rest by sellnig her drugs and keeping her hooked).

Her underlying BiPolar (BP) is not the casue here, I feel. This has gone way beyond, to drug addiction. I suspect that when the day comes, maybe years from now, when she can tell you when this all started and she first tried drugs or demeaned herself, it was a long time ago, well before now. And you couldn't have prevented it, not without locking her in a cottonwool box. And in such circumstances, as soon as you opened the cottonwool box to let her out to go to the shops, go to school, go visit a friend - she would have been ready to grab the chance to begin the downward spiral.

Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Life isn't fair. Sometimes all you can do, is the best you can do, and you have to know when to stop banging your head against the brick wall.

Now is the time to stop. That doesn't mean you stop loving, or stop caring. But you MUST stop trying to change the unchangeable, and wait.

Get help. Get medical help for you, get yourselves (the family and friends) to Narc-Anon. THAT you CAN do, and believe it or not, this will also be the fastest way to help your daughter.

Do not let this tear you apart. That will NOT help your daughter. Do you think asshe is right now, she cares one jot for all your tears? Think of who she could be in years to come, once she gets off this - think of that person advising you now, telling you what she needed you to do now. She would tell you to not waste your energy and time right now, but to look after yourselves, because right now she is not ready to make any change, she is too deep in this and must get herself out. And that just won't happen right now, not even with all the intervention in - wherever.

Marg

 

[AnnMarieTN]

I am so sorry. I will continue to keep you both in my prayers. (((hugs)))

 

[Wiped Out]

Bran,
I am so sorry, sending supportive thoughts your way. Keeping you and your difficult child in my prayers.

 

[Hound dog]

bran

OMG I'm so very very sorry for your pain. I know this is wrenching your Mom's heart. I'm so glad you're seeking help for you during this nitemare. difficult child is lost at this time, but losing yourself will not help anyone.

My best friend is not standing on a corner, but is doing the same thing. Tears me up inside that heroine has reduced her to that level of existance. She used to be such a good Mom, intelligent, loads of potential. Breaks my heart. I keep myself at a distance waiting and praying for when she is finally ready to truly climb out of the depths of h*ll she's made for herself.

I wish I could take away your pain, or at least ease it a little.

Prayers going up for both you and difficult child. Please take care of yourself.

((((hugs))))

 

[JLady]

Praying for safety for your daughter and God's intervention. Also praying for peace and comfort for you. The hardest part about being a parent (of any child) is not being able to parent them. This is all out of your control. Put it in the Lord's hands and let it go. You cannot do a thing about the situation. Your daughter will learn. It has to be on her terms and when she is ready. Keep praying for her. That is the best thing you can do. I will remember you in my prayers. May God put His hand of comfort on you.

Jlady

 

[gcvmom]

Can't begin to imagine the nightmare you are going through. I hope she is in custody soon and that you are able to get her the help she needs.

Sending hugs and prayers...

 

[Lucedaleblessed]

I just want to send my support. I think that this is the worst nightmare a mom can experience. ((hugs))

 

[jannie]

Bran--
I'm sorry you are having to go through all of this horrible mess. I just wanted to send you more support...It really sounds like you have a great support system.....fingers crossed for you..

 

[hearts and roses]

{{Shawna}} Sending up some prayers for you and your family. I hope they find her and help her. In the meantime, help yourself, please, even if it's in the tiniest way possible.

 

[bran155]

You all have made a huge difference in my life. THANK YOU so much for your friendship. The fact that I have all of you in my corner and my daughter has all of your prayers and good thoughts makes this just that much easier to get through. Gosh, if she only knew how many people are pulling for her!!!

I have a family party to go to tonight, my uncle's 50th surprise birthday party. I am looking forward to it and at the same time dreading it as my daughter will not be with me. Not that she would even come if she were doing the right thing. But just to look around and see my wonderful family and carry all of this suffering in my heart for my poor child who is lost on the streets will be extremely hard! I hope that I can hold it together as I do not want to be the center of attention. The worst part will be all of the "How is everything?, How is B?, Have you heard anything?" and so on. That will be so hard. My extended family doesn't have a clue as to what has been coming out. They only know that she is out there somewhere, they have no idea about the pimp or the drugs! I can't tell them. I don't ever want them to look at my daughter differently, ya know?

Anyway, I am doing my best to keep it together. I am not falling apart but I cannot stop thinking about this. I just have all of the images running through my head, racing thoughts and I have nightmares every night!!!! I am constantly on edge and feeling sick. How do I shake this???

Thank you again. Your support is priceless! I will check in when I get back from the party.

Shawna