Hi all. Again, thank you just doesn't seem like enough. What else can I say to show my heartfelt appreciation for all of you??? I can't put it into words!!!
The party was actually a lot of fun. I had a great time. My family is used to seeing me a mess, hair in a bun, in sweatpants, dark circles under my eyes, 30 pounds heavier and very sad. I walked into the party in my heel boots, hair done nicely, make up on and 3 sizes smaller. Everyone made me feel like a million bucks. I got so many compliments and it felt great. I didn't really have to talk about B too much. And when someone did ask about her, I answered very briefly and said that I just did not want to talk about it. I laughed a lot and was able to hold it together. I did think a lot about my daughter but I was able to also enjoy myself. This morning my aunt called (the one who actually threw the party) and told my sister that the most special part of the night was that I was laughing and having a good time. She told my sister that I looked terrific and that it was so good to see me actually mingling and not sitting in the corner sullen with tears in my eyes. That made me feel really good!!!
I am doing okay today. The initial shock of this all has pretty much wore off and I am getting used to it. Sad to say but each day gets easier. I am just going to have to find a way to live with this. I know there isn't anything that I can do. I know that I have done it all. I must find a way to deal with the sadness. I have moments where it takes over and I just feel like I am going to die of a broken heart and then I have moments where I am just so angry at her for making these choices. The anger is a lot easier to deal with. It's a roller coaster, as you all know. I want off!!! I have the Serenity Prayer on my fridge and I read it often. I know that this is something that I cannot change. That is so very hard to accept!!!
And Susie, you are so right. My sister and I often talk about this. Even if I were able to get her off the streets and in jail, then what? When she gets out, she will no doubt, end up right back where she started from. I know that her progress needs to come from her. I know that unless she is willing to do the work it takes to change and more importantly, wants to change, nothing that I do will make a difference in her life!!! The bottom line for me is that I have to find a way to live with this. And I will. I have had to learn to live with a lot with regards to my daughter. And I am sure there is more to come. I will get through this. I will not fall back into that hole I lived in for so many years. I have come too far to go backwards. And I have been a damn good mother, no guilt for me!!! Now my son deserves the same attention I have given to my daughter. I just need you to remind me, shoot, beat it into my brain, from time to time as I know I will stumble many times during this journey!
Shawna
