She Went Too Far This Time...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Skool Teacher, Feb 1, 2016.

  1. Skool Teacher

    Skool Teacher Member

    My 20 year old daughter stole my credit card and spent $2,300 in a matter of days. I'm devastated, hurt and mad as hell. She is working but gets and quits jobs like it's nothing.

    She has been in 2 accidents in 2 months. One accident I knew about the other one I just found out about. I have 2 claims against my insurance along with a truck I've had for 16 years that is crunched up in the front with 1 head light but it still runs. I refuse to get it fixed because I don't know if she'll wreck it again. Both accidents she hit someone from the back. And I'm sure it's because she was NOT paying attention and was messing with her phone. She now has two tickets on her driving record and doesn't give a damn about how this is going to affect my insurance rates.

    She is a pathological liar and lies about EVERYTHING even things she doesn't have to lie about. She went to college for 1 year and wasted $16,000 and didn't pass not 1 class. She got admitted to a design school but I can't afford to pay for it as the tuition for one year there is the same amount I make in one year. I refuse to go into debt for a disrespectful child that probably wouldn't pay the loans back and leave me in debt.

    She won't adhere to the curfew that's been set and comes in all times of the night. She does nothing to help around the house and she continues to make bone head decisions that costs me money. I'm beyond tired and have threatened and verbally put her out but she didn't leave, stating she had no where to go.

    Well today was it for me. She went to far by stealing from me. I packed all of her things after work. I took my the keys to the house and my truck. I'm sitting here waiting to drive her to where ever she is going to stay for however long. She can't stay in my home and steal from me. I'm done. Yes I will worry about her and never stop loving her but she went to far and enough is enough. I've been dealing with the disrespect of rules and passive aggressive behaviors since high school. I'm tired, disappointed, embarrassed, ANGRY and can't understand why she would do the things she does especially to the one person who has always been in her corner no matter what.

    I'm going to get the truck fixed and sell it. Then I'm going to take the money and use it towards a deserved vacation. And I'll continue to pray that God lifts the demon of ignorance and bad decision making off my child so she can use common sense and have a productive life. I'm looking forward to a little peace in the days to come.

    I believe I'm making the right decision and that it's been long over due. I will no longer tolerate the lying, disrespect and now stealing in my home or my life by my own flesh and blood. I'm very tired. Any words of wisdom and encouragement are welcomed.
  2. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Active Member

    School Teacher, my son is younger, but he did the same thing by running up purchases on my credit card. It feels horrible to have your child deliberately steal money. I almost reported the theft to the police. It is theft, you know. I'm not telling you to turn in your daughter. I used the threat of police action as leverage to get Ferb to do the right thing. He is now repaying his debt to me in its entirety. Every paycheck he earns goes to me. We keep a record of how much he has repaid. I'm holding him accountable for his choices - a long string of selfish decisions.

    Who pays for your daughter's cell phone which you think she was using when she had the car accidents? I think if you cause damage to a vehicle that you should lose the privilege of the cell phone. Running up your insurance, wrecking your truck, and wasting tuition aren't all those things also indirectly stealing from you?

    I think you are making the right decision to send her packing.
    She's kept being irresponsible, because she has always counted on you to "make things right again." It's time for her to woman up and be responsible for her own life. It's time for you to stop rescuing her and allow her to learn some life lessons. Stay strong!

    I was looking for a little cheerleader to cheer you on. This was as close as I could get. :cutie_pie:
  3. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Does she at least pays anything for her from her paycheck?
  4. Skool Teacher

    Skool Teacher Member

    No. I've threatened to make her pay a bill or two if she didn't get her act together but never followed through. She does make much and whatever she makes she instantly wastes it on BS.
  5. Skool Teacher

    Skool Teacher Member

    Thank you Pigless.
  6. Skool Teacher

    Skool Teacher Member

    I don't pay for her cell phone, never have never will. And oh yes I've thought about calling the police about this but I don't want her to lose her job because now that she can't live here anymore at least she would have some money to be able to try to make it some where else. I took her keys to the house and truck last night. She's proven that she is not responsible enough to have a vehicle with my name on it or that I'm paying insurance on. Yes, not doing what needed to be done for everything I've mentioned is stealing from me on more levels than one. I don't have peace worrying about how much the next phone call from her is going to cost me. I'm tired, fed up and DONE!
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  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Substance abuse?
  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, Skool.

    I am very glad to hear that you have taken that lethal weapon that is a vehicle away from your daughter. I am relieved that no one had been seriously injured or killed by her, as well. It is so dangerous to allow an irresponsible adult to drive. Please know that this is the right thing to do, no matter what she says or how much she begs or complains. We, at first, allowed our Difficult Child to drive our vehicles, too, but someone here made us realize how wrong that was, and we took the access away.

    Has she returned to the house yet?

    Stay strong.

    We are here for you.

  9. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome, Skool. Sounds like you've made a sound decision, given all you've been through with her. We all have our breaking points. Be prepared in case there's manipulative action on her part .. many of our kids try evetything to get us to change our minds.

    Please let us know how the confronatation with her went -- we're here to read and support you regardless of outcome! We've all been there in one way or another.
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Skool Teacher, I am so sorry for all you have gone through. It is horrible when our kids go off the rails. A lot of us have been through similar trials with our d cs, we are the club no one ever wanted to be in, and we understand the grief of this.

    Welcome to the forum.

    I would assume by the description you wrote of your daughters shenanigans that she has gotten into substances. It is usually the case. Forgive me if I am wrong.

    This is a difficult time, when it gets to the breaking point. There is a very good article on detaching on the top of this forum that has helped me tremendously to stay the course. It is a good map to get my bearings when the going gets rough.

    You have done a good job parenting your girl. None of this is your fault. For some reason, these kids just fail to launch and most of us have tried anything and everything to try to fix the problem.
    The problem is, we can't fix anything if our kids don't even think they need fixing.

    We go down this path with them, fixing and rescuing until we get to the point where you are at, the transgression is too great, too disrespectful, too outrageous.

    You are right to take the keys to the truck and house. You are right in your determination that you cannot house an adult child who lies and steals. It is a message that rings loud and clear.
    "I will not take this anymore."
    No one should put up with it.
    Good for you.

    What next?

    It is very important that you build yourself up. Right now you are angry, it is a place to be to set boundaries and take action. You have taken steps to protect yourself by taking the keys.
    Credit card theft is intolerable. I hope you have informed the credit card company and changed the number. Protect your mail, and make sure your daughter cannot get access to it.
    I would never have imagined my kids breaking into my house and taking jewelry, stealing cash.... Etc.
    It happened.

    Somehow, these d cs don't view us as people, we are opportunities. Be very careful. Especially now, when you have laid down the law and ousted her. She will not be a happy camper.

    During this time, it is good to read as much as you can, attend face to face meetings alanon, naranon, and keep posting. It is like journaling, the awesome folks here will chime in with advice and share from their experiences.

    Take very good care of yourself dear, you have value and you matter. Most of us have gone through similar things with our d cs and have gone from anger to grief and all of the stages.

    It is a hard road we are on. We have found that our d cs do not get better at home with us, they just keep going down a slippery slope and pull at our heartstrings along the way.

    Our adult kids need to learn from the choices they make and deal with the consequences. You are giving your daughter the greatest chance to change her ways by not helping her. This goes contrary to our mom instincts to nurture. That is why it is so important to build yourself up and be ready for whatever comes down the road.

    You are here now and it is a good place to be for folks like us. We are a group of kind and caring parents who are in different places on this journey with our d cs. Not experts or professionals, just folks who have been there, done that. There is no judgement, no right or wrong, this is your path.

    Stay with us and keep posting, it really, really helps.

    Wishing you peace in this hard time. I am sorry for the heart ache of it all.

  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Skool, welcome to our little corner of the world. I am so glad you found us here. You will find much needed support and encouragement here.

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. It's all too familiar for me and many others here. Once our children destroy our trust nothing is ever the same again.

    You did the right thing, the only thing that will bring you some peace and send a message to your daughter that you will no longer tolerate her disrespect and thievery.
    I will tell you it does get easier with time. We will always worry about our kids but we learn over time that their choices on how they live are just that, their choices and once we accept that and understand that we cannot help them or change them we can move on with our lives.

    You sound like you have a really good grasp on this. Bravo to the vacation. Our adult difficult children can literally suck the life force right out of us. Go have a relaxed time and recharge yourself.

    You are on the right path. Please see the link below to a wonderful article about detachment.

    This is a journey none of us want to be on but I can tell you from my own experience that you can survive this and go on to live a wonderful life.
    I will however caution you that once we start to stand up for ourselves and tell our Difficult Child no more, they often will amp it up. They can bombard us with phone calls and texts begging and pleading but we have to stay strong. My son has sent me private FB messages before telling me he was going to starve and freeze to death, he has also threatened to kill himself. Our d_cs want us to feel guilty so that we will cave in and give them what they want. They will us all their manipulative skills to try and break us. Be strong and stand firm!!
    You are here with us now. Stay close to this site, we are always here for each other.

    ((HUGS)) to you...........................
  12. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Skool Teacher -- Your story has much overlap with ours. All I can say is that I completely understand and support you in your quest for boundaries. It's your home, she's an adult, and, sometimes, enough is just enough. Stealing is just not cool.

    I wish your daughter, our son, and every other struggling adult child of everyone on this forum the best in finding health, happiness, peace, wisdom and a sense of responsibility for whatever they are able to change (which is often quite a lot).

    Boundaries are an important part of that process.

    Boundaries don't limit love -- they only limit pain.

    What do I love best about your post? That you're selling the truck and taking a vacation for YOU! Take that vacation and enjoy every minute of it! You're allowed to enjoy your life! Way to go!
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  13. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Welcome are absolutely doing the right thing. Your house, your rules. Set your boundaries and do not deviate from them. My therapist told me when we "give in" to them your Difficult Child sees it as weakness. I told him I do it out of love and trying to help him but therapist says they see it as weakness and will continue to put guilt trips on us. Saying "no more" is the best way to show her you love her. My son is 44 and I have dealt with this for years. I know how hard this is, but this is the only way to having peace. Take that vacation and enjoy yourself. (((Hugs)))
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  14. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    One thing I started doing is praying the Psalms from the Bible. Today Psalm 101 hit me

    We have a right to live with honesty and integrity, especially in our own house.
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  15. Rosie67

    Rosie67 Member

    Your story is very similar to mine, although my daughter also used substances. You hang in there, keep getting support from the wonderful members of this special group. Remember- If you do what you have always done, you get what you always got. Time to make some changes and put in place boundaries to help your daughter grow.
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  16. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Teacher. I echo everybody else. You are doing the right thing. You have tried to avail her of every opportunity and confidence. Not one of them them she took advantage of. It was time to stop.

    She is an adult. It is one thing if our kids go to college or are doing some productive and constructive thing to build a future. The pattern you describe is nothing of the sort. She seems to be using your help to dig a deeper hole for herself.

    Thank G-d she no longer has a vehicle.
    I believe this is one reason they treat us so. Because they can. And their contempt for us grows proportional to their contempt for themselves.

    When you begin to set a limit, things can change for you and for her. She can have a new start too. With respect for you, she can begin to make self-respecting choices. I believe that. I see it with my own son.

    He is proud of himself because he is respecting a limit I set. He said it: I have been respecting the limit you said. I have not talked about the stuff anymore, because you asked me not to.

    Now is the beginning of a new day. For you and for your daughter, I pray.

    I am glad you found us. Keep posting. We care. We know what you deal with. Take care.

  17. Skool Teacher

    Skool Teacher Member

    Thank you everyone for your uplifting responses. I will read all articles and links that were suggested. Thanks for the hugs, I need those. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone and that I've really done the best I can.

    When she came home there wasn't a big blow out. She walked in her room and saw that everything was packed and her bed was broken down and she was speechless and shocked. I asked her to give me the credit card. I reported it lost and it's being replaced along with me changing my pin number. I then asked for all of her keys. She gave them to me.

    I told her she went too far this time and I was done. I told her to call someone that she could stay with because she was no longer going to live in my home and steal from me. She cried quietly and said no one was responding. She spent the night, slept on the floor and I took off from work so I could personally take her to where ever she was going to be staying. She took most of her stuff. I resisted the urge to tell her what to do because she has to do this for herself from now on. I removed her as a driver on my auto insurance policy today too.

    I asked her why she did she do this and she didn't really respond. I asked her didn't she know I would find out. She said yes. I asked her how did she think I would react. She said just like I was.... she never said sorry nor did she beg to stay. She actually seemed angry and had an attitude. I asked her about the person she was going to be staying with and got a lot of vagueness, so I left it alone because at this point I really don't care just as long as she is gone.

    When I dropped her off she didn't have anything to say. I told her to take this time to get her mind right so she can make better decisions. She said OK. She unloaded the truck and I drove off.

    I felt sad. I didn't cry and I actually felt some relief. Within 30 minutes of my departure my she text me and asked me how long was I kicking her out for? I chuckled and thought to myself, she thinks that I'm joking and this is only going last for a few days or a week or two... NOT! Don't know if I'm going to ever let her come back because I have ZERO trust for her and don't believe that she will come back and do what's right. I have been through so much with her and I simply can't take anymore. I think she'll go right back to her same ways. I'm tired of the games and her never doing what she should or supposed to do. I won't be bamboozled anymore, child or not.

    I cleaned out the truck, which was totally trashed. I really felt dumb for letting her use it only to have it be treated it in such a manner. She is totally ungrateful for all that I've done and provided for her. God blessed me to get her to adulthood without much struggle and this is how she acts towards me. Again...I'm done. She seems like she is truly going to have to learn the hard way.

    Thanks again everyone and I will give everyone updates as they occur. Going to enjoy a glass of wine before bed and enjoy my peace. Praying that God protects and guides my wayward adult child now that she is truly on her own.

    ~Skool Teacher
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    Last edited: Feb 2, 2016
  18. Skool Teacher

    Skool Teacher Member

    She smokes weed.
  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Teacher, you did good.

    I would not write the rest of the story. One day at a time.

    It does not matter what she thinks. The important thing now is that there is separation. She is a grown adult now. You and she need to grow into separate lives where she is responsible for her...and her own errors. So that she can grow.

    You need to grow into the ability to love yourself and your life no matter what she is doing and how she is living. It is a question of respect.

    Our kids deserve that we respect their boundaries too. Their ability to live their own lives as they see fit.

    When we are no longer subject to the consequences of their poor decisions, it is easier to accept their way of life.

    This was a natural progression of things. She needed to live her own life. It is time. You are free now. You can be free.

    We are here for you. Keep posting. I hope you do. You did so good!! Cheers.

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  20. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi, Skool

    Glad you were able to get her out without too much drama!

    Sounds like she thinks she is getting a time-out.

    She will be very unhappy when she realizes that you aren't going to give in and let her back in. Be prepared for her to up the ante. Begging, pleading, threats, ultimatums, tantrums, and many other bargaining chips may be employed by her to get you to do what she wants. Be aware.

    I am glad you now have peace in your home.

    Many of our kids claim to only be using pot. Many of us have come to find that they are using other kinds of drugs as well. She seems very out of control. Sounds like there could be other things going on.

    I am so glad you have found us.