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WearyWoman

Guest
Hi there,

First, let me offer you warm (((hugs))). I too am an adoptive mom. We have two boys (ages 16 and 9), and prior to adopting, we were foster parents to about 20 kids over five years. We have a LOT of experience with foster/adoptive children and their issues.

I do believe there is always hope. You have to hold onto that, or you'll lose heart.

Our oldest spent the better part of his first two years of life strapped in a carseat in a closet with poor nutrition and terrible neglect. He was bounced from foster home to foster home between the ages of 9 months and two years. At the age of two, he was moved in with us abruptly after having lived with a family member/foster home for a while. All of his earthly possessions fit in a paper bag.

Needless to say, it was very difficult for him. We were strangers, and he was so upset, he sat on the couch with a scowl on his face and spit at me every chance he got. He threw things at me, refused to eat, refused to do pretty much anything, actually. It took a lot of TIME and patience. He had severe ADHD and lots of defiance and attachment issues. He would break my favorite things when he was upset, and he hit and kicked me too. He also destroyed a lot of property, put holes in the walls, etc. We went through a lot with him. But, with a proper understanding of his various issues, medication, and family support, he is now functioning very well at almost 17 years old. He is an "A" student and is well adjusted, kind, and loving. It did take years for him to move toward more adaptive behavior, but it has happened, and we're so proud of how far he's come.

We adopted our youngest boy (now 9) at birth, and he has been diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) - not otherwise specified, ADHD, apraxia of speech, and oppositional disorder. We also believe he may have been exposed to alcohol prenatally. We have reason to believe his bio father was anti-social. Our youngest boy's behaviors are much more severe than our older son's ever were, and daily life has been a real struggle. He often loses control of himself and becomes aggressive. His sense of empathy is underdeveloped, and he is SO easily triggered into rages. We've found a number of medications to be helpful, but nothing is a magic bullet - that's for sure. He receives in-home therapy for his autism spectrum disorder, and speech and group therapy at school. He has an IEP for school.

Presently, I'm looking into techniques for managing behavior in fetal alcohol syndrome, which is essentially an organic brain injury. Children with brain injuries often have problems with memory, attention, cause-and-effect thinking, self control, and social skills.

Your daughter may be affected by a variety of issues/disorders. Things to consider include ADHD, ODD, autism, attachment disorders, learning disabilities, fetal alcohol spectrum, post-traumatic stress and mood disorders. When older children are placed for adoption, there will be an adjustment period. It's possible she's testing limits right now or releasing a lot of anger. Any abuse/neglect she suffered in her little life may be contributing to antisocial tendencies. She may benefit from empathy training, medication, and/or therapy.

I do understand your concerns, and I think your intuition is right - that there is cause for concern with this little girl. Don't ignore it and wait. While it is normal for kids to fight, etc., if you believe there is a serious problem, don't substitute others' judgments for your own. Follow your intuition. Seek out services, especially the neuropsychologist multi-disciplinary evaluation, adoption/attachment specialists, geneticists, etc.

With adoptive children, there are so many unknowns in terms of medical and family history. Many, many adoptive children (especially older ones coming out of the foster care system) are dealing with a variety of issues and disorders. Love is not always enough to help them either. It's best to be proactive, rather than hope they will grow out of it. The risks are just too high. The sooner you learn the origins of what's going on, the better you'll be able to help your daughter and the rest of your family.

Anyway, sorry this is so long, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone. Please come here whenever you need support. The folks here are great.

Weary
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Folks, this is an old thread and I don't think the original person who began it (AIC) is with us any more. She only posted 6 times, all were on this thread and all were back in March. Hopefully we gave her the help she needed back then to make whatever choices she has had to make, since.

I responded to someone who revived an old thread, rather than to the original poster.

We are talking to thin air, people.

Or if we are not - we need this to be a new thread. AngelPhoenix has started her own threads now and is doing well. If you're responding to her, her own threads will probably be of more use to her.

AIC, if you're still around, let us know how it's going.

Marg
 

dword56

New Member
We have a 4 year old little girl just like that. You can see in her eyes the wheels spinning. She will manipulate and play you and then do whatever she wants. Sadly, I don't think she's human. I love you granpa = I want something and that same fake voice. Would rather sit in the corner for days and cry than cooperate with anything. She says she want to go back home and she will make us hate her and send her back. She refuses to accept.. her 3 year old sister is adorable and sweet.
 
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Liahona

Guest
Hi, this thread is a few years old. You might want to start your own and introduce yourself. Welcome to the board.
 
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