tiredmommy
Well-Known Member
My aunt (mother's sister) is trying to guilt my into rebuilding the relationship between my mother and myself. I told her to stay out of it. 
She's starting... Grrrr!
- Thread starter tiredmommy
- Start date
tiredmommy
Well-Known Member
Thanks Fran & Lisa; I appreciate the support.
mstang67chic
Going Green
I'm with the others.....stick to your guns. I have an aunt like that too and as horrible as it sounds, I hope she's either out of the country, or already gone when my mom passes.
Hugs.
Hugs.
SRL
Active Member
Marguerite
Active Member
Tell me - does aunt talk with initial caps? You know, the sort of person who says, "Why can't we All Be Friends," or "we should all Learn to Play Nicely."
I had a woman at work who was like this. She was in the secretarial pool of another professor. I had the job of supervising junior staff and we had a very junior staff member who was really incompetent. I would explain how she needed to do her job to my boss's satisfaction, but she still kept getting it wrong. I would be sent down to explain/chastise/whatever and then the junior would go in tears to the secretary, who then came to me to tell me that I wasn't Being Very Nice and we all Needed to Get Along. The secretary would then leave beaming with joy and goodwill, satisfied in a Job Well Done while I quietly mimed choking someone to death.
The secretary had absolutely no idea and wouldn't understand when I explained - I was doing my job in trying to make the junior do hers. It was purely professional, nothing personal and to make it something personal was to totally sabotage any attempts I could make, to help the junior learn what to do.
Such Harbingers of Goodwill generally are clueless as well as trying to make everybody else follow their lead, in an attempt to assuage their own guilt feelings at not always feeling too empathetic at all times.
Marg
I had a woman at work who was like this. She was in the secretarial pool of another professor. I had the job of supervising junior staff and we had a very junior staff member who was really incompetent. I would explain how she needed to do her job to my boss's satisfaction, but she still kept getting it wrong. I would be sent down to explain/chastise/whatever and then the junior would go in tears to the secretary, who then came to me to tell me that I wasn't Being Very Nice and we all Needed to Get Along. The secretary would then leave beaming with joy and goodwill, satisfied in a Job Well Done while I quietly mimed choking someone to death.
The secretary had absolutely no idea and wouldn't understand when I explained - I was doing my job in trying to make the junior do hers. It was purely professional, nothing personal and to make it something personal was to totally sabotage any attempts I could make, to help the junior learn what to do.
Such Harbingers of Goodwill generally are clueless as well as trying to make everybody else follow their lead, in an attempt to assuage their own guilt feelings at not always feeling too empathetic at all times.
Marg
tiredmommy
Well-Known Member
Thanks everyone. 
Marg- Unfortunately, it's not like that. My aunt felt I was fully justified in distancing myself from my mother last summer. But my mother is now dying so that apparently changes 40+ years of my mother's behavior toward me. Plus, my aunt feels badly that her sister (my mother) is dying without a strong/healthy relationship with her niece (me) so somehow it's up to me to fix it.
I guess no one but me is ever supposed to feel badly about anything in my family.
Grrr.
Marg- Unfortunately, it's not like that. My aunt felt I was fully justified in distancing myself from my mother last summer. But my mother is now dying so that apparently changes 40+ years of my mother's behavior toward me. Plus, my aunt feels badly that her sister (my mother) is dying without a strong/healthy relationship with her niece (me) so somehow it's up to me to fix it.
I guess no one but me is ever supposed to feel badly about anything in my family.
Grrr.
timer lady
Queen of Hearts
TM, the only thing you can do is go with your heart. You & you alone know what's best for you & your relationship with your mother.
I'd refuse to discuss the situation. I hate family situations like this....there is so little understanding when all is said & done. For some of us forgiveness & healing is the way to go; for others of us that is not the case.
Hold your stance & protect your emotional health.
I'd refuse to discuss the situation. I hate family situations like this....there is so little understanding when all is said & done. For some of us forgiveness & healing is the way to go; for others of us that is not the case.
Hold your stance & protect your emotional health.
Mattsmom277
Active Member
My sympathy goes to you for dealing with your aunts idealistic ideals! I'm fortunate that my family stopped contact with my mother years before I was able to break that toxic chain she had wrapped around me. They would support any decision I made/make over my mother. However given that I have no desire/need/want/craving for further abuse from my mother, I know that I am sticking to my guns.
I do think about when my mother passes. I can't imagine that scene at all. Expectations are normally that people see someone lose a parent and weep in grief and despair. For me, my mothers ultimate passing, if it fuels tears in me, will likely be for all that failed to do while she had the chance, the choices she made, the fact that she lived a loveless life due to her own actions. It isnt' that I'm heartless. Far from it. I'm the person striving to keep what is left of my family together, close, in touch etc. Its important to me. Because they are healthy relationships and valuable.
Urgh! Again, sorry you have someone meddling. Sometimes others just can't see.
I do think about when my mother passes. I can't imagine that scene at all. Expectations are normally that people see someone lose a parent and weep in grief and despair. For me, my mothers ultimate passing, if it fuels tears in me, will likely be for all that failed to do while she had the chance, the choices she made, the fact that she lived a loveless life due to her own actions. It isnt' that I'm heartless. Far from it. I'm the person striving to keep what is left of my family together, close, in touch etc. Its important to me. Because they are healthy relationships and valuable.
Urgh! Again, sorry you have someone meddling. Sometimes others just can't see.
M
ML
Guest
TM number one is to protect your inner peace. I love the saying "forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves". I've also learned you can forgive someone without letting them back in close again. That's self preservation.
If she asks for it and only if it will help *you* to give her the opportunity to make amends than do it. But I wouldn't encourage you to fake feelings you don't have either.
I'm sorry that your Aunt is trying to put you in a bad position.
Love and hugs,
ML
If she asks for it and only if it will help *you* to give her the opportunity to make amends than do it. But I wouldn't encourage you to fake feelings you don't have either.
I'm sorry that your Aunt is trying to put you in a bad position.
Love and hugs,
ML
Lothlorien
Active Member
I had this very long and thought out reply before and it got lost in cyberspace, but this is it in a nutshell....
You can only do what you are comfortable in doing. You are not responsible for your mother's actions or her happiness. You can't change years of self-destruction in a few months and you certainly can't forget the selfishness of your mother during your life. I'm sure you have put yourself and your family out there for her recently, as much as you are willing and way more than you would have if this disease hadn't become a part of her life. You are doing way more than I would for my biomom. (For those that don't know my situation, my biomom is a horrid mess.) If your mother doesn't recognize what she's done, how can you give her happiness? You can forgive her in your mind, but if she feels nothing was wrong, how can she ask for forgiveness? Without that, will you really be able to have the kind of relationship that your aunt thinks that you should with her?
You can only do what you are comfortable in doing. You are not responsible for your mother's actions or her happiness. You can't change years of self-destruction in a few months and you certainly can't forget the selfishness of your mother during your life. I'm sure you have put yourself and your family out there for her recently, as much as you are willing and way more than you would have if this disease hadn't become a part of her life. You are doing way more than I would for my biomom. (For those that don't know my situation, my biomom is a horrid mess.) If your mother doesn't recognize what she's done, how can you give her happiness? You can forgive her in your mind, but if she feels nothing was wrong, how can she ask for forgiveness? Without that, will you really be able to have the kind of relationship that your aunt thinks that you should with her?
Marguerite
Active Member
As Loth said,
But also - your aunt is trying to salve her own conscience by using you and what she perceives as your need to make peace.
Maybe you need to say to your aunt, "Thank you for trying, but this is not your issue. I have made my choices, they are mine to make. You do not need to feel any responsibility for my relationship with my mother. If I later on choose to make peace with her, then it must be MY choice made freely and without any coercion, or the choice will be meaningless. Give me the time I need to do what I need to do. If that means I never make peace - so be it. It is MY choice, MY responsibility. You have done all you need to do, and more. It is time for you to focus on your own relationship with her and leave me out of it."
You need to get her off your back somehow, and maybe this would work.
Marg
But also - your aunt is trying to salve her own conscience by using you and what she perceives as your need to make peace.
Maybe you need to say to your aunt, "Thank you for trying, but this is not your issue. I have made my choices, they are mine to make. You do not need to feel any responsibility for my relationship with my mother. If I later on choose to make peace with her, then it must be MY choice made freely and without any coercion, or the choice will be meaningless. Give me the time I need to do what I need to do. If that means I never make peace - so be it. It is MY choice, MY responsibility. You have done all you need to do, and more. It is time for you to focus on your own relationship with her and leave me out of it."
You need to get her off your back somehow, and maybe this would work.
Marg
