Shocker....I have concerns....

[PatriotsGirl]

Well, not even a week goes by and I believe the honeymooning phase is coming to an end. Shocking.

I visited difficult child yesterday. She said she was going to be honest and that she had thought about bolting a couple of times, but that she was still there and still sober. Made me nervous to hear that, but as she said, she was just being honest with her feelings. She said that she does like the place so that is positive. But...

First of all, difficult child was supposed to apply for food stamps. As of yesterday, she hadn't "because no one showed her how". Hmm. Sorry, I am doing my part by paying for it all - she needs to be doing her part and that includes applying for food stamps. :/ I have purchased over a hundred dollars worth of food this week for her - I am not paying another dime until she has applied for them.

Second, there is a boy there. Looks like your ideal all-American boy - if I could describe him, I would say he looks as all-American as apple pie. You would NEVER look at this man on the streets and think he ever did drugs. He has six months of sobriety. difficult child is crushing. Suddenly, she feels there is nothing she can do to help A hole in jail. (rolling eyes, yet before boy came along and I told her that, I didn't know what I was talking about). I warned her that she is not supposed to be getting into a relationship and that it would jeopardize what she is trying to do and she got mad at me and said he is what is keeping her there. Oh great. Just what I wanted to hear. NOT GOOD.

It is like she is sabotaging herself.

I am losing hope rapidly. I put a message in to the lady that runs the program. I want to be sure difficult child doesn't think I am going to just pay her way while she sits back, does nothing and doesn't really work the program.

I have tried to make it as clear as I possibly can to difficult child that if she leaves the program, or is kicked out for ANY reason, our support stops. The phone contract is ended permanently and she is not to call us. We would want nothing to do with her at this time. And that is a hard step to take. She doesn't seem to care, though. The lady that runs the program told her we had to do that to save her life and I honestly don't think she cared.

I see disaster coming. I am trying to be as positive and supportive as I can, but it is hard. Am I right to be concerned already?

 

[Nancy]

Youknow PG I saw all the same signs when difficult child was in rehab, the crushing over guys, the wanting to bolt, the breaking rules, not actively working in the program, etc., etc. I spoke with her counselor anytime I had those concerns and she was able to reassure me to a point, that most of them go through all those stages. They don;t enter as angels and the counselors don't expect them to turn into angels in a week, or two, or three.

I think you should talk to the director to get her take on difficult child's progress. Also I would give her the on-line website for food stamps (we can apply on line here, but there will be a phone interview with her at some point and proff of income level). Then the rest is up to her. I did that with my difficult child and told her if she wanted to eat she had to follow through, she eventually did.

I know this is very discouraging and I'm not going to lie and tell you it will be OK because I don't know that, but every day she is there is one day closer to sober thinking.

I am really rooting for your difficult child. by the way we were told not to have long conversations with our difficult child when they were there, if they started to whine we should just give them encouraging words and end the conversation quickly. It was hard for me to do that because I wanted to know the details but they said we should leave the rehab to them and practice detaching. I know how much you want this for her and I feel your concern and anger if she bolts. One day at a time PG, it's all you can do. She is where she should be right now.

Nancy

 

[Calamity Jane]

Hang in there, Mom. I have no great words of advice, because my difficult child never went to rehab, but I think that your placing a call to the person in charge is certainly a good idea to get the scoop. The good news is: she hasn't been thrown out, and she's still clean. That, in itself, is commendable.
Her whole recent existence has been all about, "where can I score drugs, when can I do them again, who can I get money from" etc. She is now sober, so she has to fill up her time somehow, and she has to re-learn how to do that...everything is new, and will feel weird, and I'm not suprised she has thought of bolting. I think the people who run the program fully expect that. Crushing on this boy is probably expected, too, because it also fills her days with something to think about, strive toward, etc. In her mind, that's good. Of course, we know it isn't healthy or advised, but she's got to work that out with their help.
If she's thrown out, it will be awful, for sure. Deal with that IF and WHEN you have to , but for now, she's hanging in there. I would be worried too if I were in your shoes, because we know deep down they have to learn how to function normally all over again, and how to think normally and feel things normally, and maybe there's a part of us that doesn't think that's possible after so long, and so many disappointments. She has to want it more than you. Keep encouraging her - it's a long road ahead and Rome wasn't built in a day. Sigh - don't you wish you could fast forward through the rough bits?

 

[PatriotsGirl]

And that is exactly why I wanted to post here. I had a feeling I was wanting too much too soon. Thank you all SO much for talking me through this. I was so happy that she went and now it seems all I can do is wait for the ball to drop. I have thought that I may be jeopardizing her recovery by badgering. Exactly what I do not want to do. She has to take it one day at a time and so do I.

Nancy, that is a great idea. I am just not going to buy more food until she applies. She can apply online here and they are supposed to help her do that. The boy she is crushing on said he would help her. I may not be able to force her to do it, but she will have to do it when she has nothing and no one will give her anything..

 

[stalln4x]

Oops, I just read Calamity Jane's response. And I will second that thing about filling her days, big time. I've noticed myself crushing on people at AA a lot now that the idea of not using is becoming a real possibility. Until very recently, I've been spending my time either blasted or reading forums about being blasted or about the newest ways they're beating the DEA to get blasted legally or whatever.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I talked to the director. She did make me feel a ton better. She explained right now she is clean, and that every day she is clean is a miracle and that clean will turn into sober, which takes time. She says the character defects still fly for the first 30 days...baby steps right now. Momma is backing off...

 

[PatriotsGirl]

And I suppose there are worse guys to crush over than a man trying very hard to better his life with six months of sobriety under his belt....(like A hole, the meth trafficking 34 year old)....

 

[Signorina]

2 steps forward, a step back . I thinks that's to be expected. Try not to look too far ahead. You've come so far since last week-- remember that. I think all of us are the type of people who like to seize and build on momentum and our difficult child's are not like that!!! So don't be discouraged!

I was talking to my brother about a similar frustrating situation but something unrelated to difficult child kids- and he made a baseball analogy about wanting a home run every time and not wanting a base hit. I told him to think if it more like golf and less like baseball. You and difficult child just birdied the first hole ... 1 down, 17 more to go. And there will be bogeys x1,2,3 along the way...
Stay strong!

How was gaitlinburg?

 

[AmericanGirl]

PG,

Tough love sure is hard on a parent.

I am in a similar place with my difficult child over the summer. He refused to find the Food Stamp office which was like, two blocks away. I called the sober house manager who kicked him in the you-know-what.

Take it one minute at a time. Try to find some peace for yourself.

 

[FlowerGarden]

Hopefully, things will sink in and she gets her act together. "No one showed her how to apply for food stamps"....that is her responsibility to figure out. The person in charge of the program sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders from the comment she made about you trying to save difficult child's life. Hugs to you.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

No concerns today. easy child and I just got back from running out there and paying the rent. Apparently, difficult child has become the house cook!! Everyone was raving about her cooking. Everyone loves her and more importantly, she just seems SO happy. They said she is doing wonderfully and even had a huge breakthrough in group last night where she broke down and cried. She is participating and contributing and I am thrilled!!! easy child saw her interact with the director's young daughter who was there and he was shocked. He said he has never seen her so calm, so patient and so happy. He said it looked like she was interacting with her own child. She was about to carve a pumpkin with her when we were leaving.

I realized there are worse problems than crushing on the boy and the director agreed. It is definitely steering her away from A hole and this boy (I will call him B) is a positive influence right now. B is actually the type of boy I would be thrilled for difficult child to have a relationship with under other circumstances. So, picking my battles, and this is not one I wish to fight.

So, got a great report at the one week mark. Considering this is the third place we have tried and the only one that she has actually participated in, I am beyond happy to hand over the rent check...lol.

There were two more girls checking in while I was there....I don't know where they are going to put them. They are going to need another house! But a lot of recovery going on there!!

 

[FlowerGarden]

What a great update!

 

[recoveringenabler]

PG, thanks for the update, it made me smile and I'm so happy to hear it. Hugs to you Mom, good job all around........

 

[Calamity Jane]

PG,
That's what I like to hear! That place must be terrific. I'm so proud of difficult child and I'm so happy that easy child had the oppt'y to see her displaying leadership qualities. I'm impressed that she's such a good cook. Ah, these posts really are an encouragement. Congratulations!

 

[Nancy]

Wonderful news, it warms my heart. No wremember the next time you talk to her on the phone, keep it light and short. She's doing what she needs to be doing.

When difficult child was in ealry recovery I worried so much about her getting involved with another recovering person. Then it dawned on me, wouldn't I rather have her interested in another recovering addict than a non-addict? If she was involved with a sober person he would be drinking and so would all his friends and she would have a very difficult time staying sober. I guess it's probably different with drugs, but there are some benefits with her not thinking about the jerk.

Sleep well.

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks PG for the update...gives me hope for my own difficult child.

TL

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Thanks PG for the update...gives me hope for my own difficult child.

TL

HUGE (((HUGS)))....I have hope for all of our difficult children!!!

I can't seem to stop worrying every single day that everything is going to change and she is going to sabotage it all. It's obssessive and I know it certainly won't help her. I don't want to be this way but can't seem to stop. I need a meeting more now than I did when she was using!

She just called me telling me that she cleaned the kitchen last night and scrubbed/organized all of the cabinets and how gross they were. No wonder they love her! LOL

 

[recoveringenabler]

PG, just as an aside, when I made a big decision to detach from my daughter, after the initial elation, the group therapist made a comment that surprised me, she said, "now the real work begins." Yikes, what had I been doing before? Well, now I see that there was 'work' to do, now that difficult child was not presenting any daily drama to deal with, I then had to deal with my feelings, the 'other shoe dropping' fears, the anxiety about loss of any control, the reentry into my own life and my own desires, the resentments and angers I didn't acknowledge because there was just too much to deal with, the recognitions of where I allowed my own boundaries to be broken.............and on it went. When our whole lives are all about difficult child and difficult child's world, once that ends, there is, at least for me, a lot of stuff that comes up to address. One by one I have and still am acknowledging all of this stuff and dealing with it and healing from it. Whew. Like the whole darn thing, it's a process and it takes time...............may the force be with you!! (((HUGS))))

 

[lovemysons]

Oh I'm so happy to hear the update PG.
Your difficult child sounds like she is really enjoying this place. Adjusting well.

Hang in there,
LMS

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Oh I'm so happy to hear the update PG.
Your difficult child sounds like she is really enjoying this place. Adjusting well.

Hang in there,
LMS

I think that is why I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Usually when it is too good to be true, it is...

Thank you all for all of your support through this!!! No one knows like we know...