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Short but good article about estranged parent
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 643070" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Thanks MWM.</p><p></p><p>I know some adults who have no contact with their parents because from their perspective their parents were hurtful and/or toxic to them. With what I know about those stories, it was likely a good choice to keep away. In many cases the parents were the difficult child's. </p><p></p><p>I also think with enabling the message is sent to the kids that they are not capable and some of their anger and distance comes from that. When I was in that codependency course, the therapists told us that repeatedly and that when we stopped the enabling, often the kids anger would subside and they would be able to develop their own self confidence. I saw that with my daughter too, she was angry at me for years. I had no clue why. In the last few years, as I changed and stopped my enabling of her, her anger completely dissipated and her appreciation for me grew. Only now that I am out of that loop can I see it from that perspective. No blame or right or wrong, just an unhealthy dynamic which creates negatives for all involved. Some of us do all the right things, are wonderful parents and the kids go off the rails anyway. Sometimes, like in my own case, because I did not know how to parent in a healthy way, I introduced an unhealthy dynamic which I had to then break in order to free us both to move ahead. Either way, in my opinion, stopping the enabling and detaching is the appropriate response.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 643070, member: 13542"] Thanks MWM. I know some adults who have no contact with their parents because from their perspective their parents were hurtful and/or toxic to them. With what I know about those stories, it was likely a good choice to keep away. In many cases the parents were the difficult child's. I also think with enabling the message is sent to the kids that they are not capable and some of their anger and distance comes from that. When I was in that codependency course, the therapists told us that repeatedly and that when we stopped the enabling, often the kids anger would subside and they would be able to develop their own self confidence. I saw that with my daughter too, she was angry at me for years. I had no clue why. In the last few years, as I changed and stopped my enabling of her, her anger completely dissipated and her appreciation for me grew. Only now that I am out of that loop can I see it from that perspective. No blame or right or wrong, just an unhealthy dynamic which creates negatives for all involved. Some of us do all the right things, are wonderful parents and the kids go off the rails anyway. Sometimes, like in my own case, because I did not know how to parent in a healthy way, I introduced an unhealthy dynamic which I had to then break in order to free us both to move ahead. Either way, in my opinion, stopping the enabling and detaching is the appropriate response. [/QUOTE]
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Short but good article about estranged parent
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