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Should I Be Upset About This...?
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<blockquote data-quote="trinityroyal" data-source="post: 494560" data-attributes="member: 3907"><p>Well, I have two initial thoughts:</p><p></p><p>1) I would be upset about the deception and manipulative behaviour.</p><p>2) When I give a gift, it becomes the recipient's property to do with as she pleases. If I think that I will be upset by how that person treats the gift, then I don't give it. I only give something that I can part from with a clear mind and heart.</p><p></p><p>How I would handle it?</p><p></p><p>I wouldn't show any overt anger. Our difficult children seem to feed off it like a drug. Even if you're seething inside, don't let her see you sweat since that's part of her triumph in tricking you.</p><p>I <em>would </em>change how I treat gift giving in the future. I wouldn't get her anything that's so meaningful to you that it exposes you to hurt. If getting her a musical instrument will get your hopes up that she's turning herself around and making positive choices, only to lead to more heartache when she doesn't - AGAIN - then I wouldn't do it. And I wouldn't do it for a very long time.</p><p></p><p>For example: It's been more than 6 years since I've believed anything my difficult child has to say without concrete, independent evidence (i.e. the word of someone whose information cannot be influenced by difficult child, my own eyes, etc.) In that time he has told me the truth on several occasions. But I still don't believe him, because the breach of trust was so fundamental that I don't think it can ever be fixed. If it can, it will take a very. long. time. So...I changed my behaviour accordingly, so as not to expose myself to harm from his lying. </p><p></p><p>It's a very hard thing, but putting aside our hopes and dreams for our difficult children and letting them live entirely with their actions and the consequences of them seems to be the best armour for our hearts. Strangely enough, it also seems to be incentive for them to shape up and start making an effort. When they see that Mom isn't living and breathing just for their every whim but has a life of her own in which they're not the central focus, they sometimes try to get back on our radar by behaving properly.</p><p></p><p>Just my $0.02.</p><p>Trinity</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="trinityroyal, post: 494560, member: 3907"] Well, I have two initial thoughts: 1) I would be upset about the deception and manipulative behaviour. 2) When I give a gift, it becomes the recipient's property to do with as she pleases. If I think that I will be upset by how that person treats the gift, then I don't give it. I only give something that I can part from with a clear mind and heart. How I would handle it? I wouldn't show any overt anger. Our difficult children seem to feed off it like a drug. Even if you're seething inside, don't let her see you sweat since that's part of her triumph in tricking you. I [I]would [/I]change how I treat gift giving in the future. I wouldn't get her anything that's so meaningful to you that it exposes you to hurt. If getting her a musical instrument will get your hopes up that she's turning herself around and making positive choices, only to lead to more heartache when she doesn't - AGAIN - then I wouldn't do it. And I wouldn't do it for a very long time. For example: It's been more than 6 years since I've believed anything my difficult child has to say without concrete, independent evidence (i.e. the word of someone whose information cannot be influenced by difficult child, my own eyes, etc.) In that time he has told me the truth on several occasions. But I still don't believe him, because the breach of trust was so fundamental that I don't think it can ever be fixed. If it can, it will take a very. long. time. So...I changed my behaviour accordingly, so as not to expose myself to harm from his lying. It's a very hard thing, but putting aside our hopes and dreams for our difficult children and letting them live entirely with their actions and the consequences of them seems to be the best armour for our hearts. Strangely enough, it also seems to be incentive for them to shape up and start making an effort. When they see that Mom isn't living and breathing just for their every whim but has a life of her own in which they're not the central focus, they sometimes try to get back on our radar by behaving properly. Just my $0.02. Trinity [/QUOTE]
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