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Should I get my daughter evaluated?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 712432" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Your family needs help. Your daughter needs help now. It is time to get her evaluated. This is NOT normal behavior. I know, I lived through it with my oldest child. After our daughter was born he changed dramatically. He loved her, but could not cope with her. He behaved much like your daughter does and it didn't stop until we finally had to arrange to have him live with my parents when he was 14. He kept trying to kill her. Actually murder her, and murder me to get to her because he had to go through me to get to her. He has very high functioning Aspergers, a type of autism, and for some reason would just get super angry and she was always his target. It wasn't that she did anything to him. Anything could make him mad, and then that anger had to be taken out on her. We spent YEARS where we could not leave the 2 of them alone for even long enough to go to the restroom. Either my husband or I had to be at home because sitters couldn't handle him attacking her. We only got to go out as a couple about 2 times a year when my parents would visit because they were the only ones who could handle my son. </p><p></p><p>Get your daughter evaluated by a neuropsychologist and an autism specialist. Also get an Occupational Therapist to evaluate her for sensory problems. Often children have problems with the brain not knowing how to handle input from their senses. THis means that they go into overload. A new sibling adds so much new sensory stimulation, especially after school, and this is likely more than your daughter can handle. I have sensory issues and sometimes what would be the smallest thing to someone else can send me into the BIGGEST tailspin and just completely make it impossible for me to cope with anything. I am a full grown adult and this happens to me. It happened a LOT more when I was a kid. It was super hard to handle because no one really understood back then although my mom got it more than most other people. Getting a handle on sensory issues can help eliminate a lot of tantrums. She may be overwhelmed in places like the zoo and that may be the cause of her tantrums.</p><p></p><p>One thing that I think is CRUCIAL for parents to remember is that children do well when they are ABLE, not when they want to. Something is causing a problem for your daughter and it is your job to help figure out what it is. This is why you need to have her evaluated and not hope she will grow out of it. You DO need to protect your younger child. He has a right to grow up in a peaceful home where he can flourish and feel loved and cherished. I always evaluated the therapy suggested for my older child in the light of the impact it would have on my other children. It always has an impact on the family and that is important. One therapist wanted me to give my older son a chip each time he did something nice for my daughter. Those chips could then be redeemed for prizes. I was supposed to pay him to be nice to his sister. </p><p></p><p>Uh, no. I don't think so. I am not going to tell my young daughter that she is so worthless that I have to pay her brother to be nice to her. I went to the supervising psychiatrist (it was a teaching hospital) and discussed my objection to this, namely the impact on my daughter. The head doctor was furious that it was even suggested between staff, much less that it was actually told to a parent. It would have damaged my daughter greatly had we done that, and I am glad I followed my instincts and refused. Always follow your instincts - you know your kids MUCH better than the doctors do. You are with them FAR more than the doctors are. The doctors know medicine, you know your kids. </p><p></p><p>My oldest often had the perception that we favored his sister. I got sick of it the year he had a tantrum because she got more black jelly beans than he did. He got more jelly beans total, and he loathed black jelly beans, but she got more black jelly beans. Cue the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth! I promptly gave ALL the jelly beans to my daughter. Took them out of his basket and gave them to her. If they were going to be such a huge fuss, he didn't deserve a single one. Boy did he have a fit, but he stopped when I told him she could have all the chocolate if he wanted to keep fussing. After that year we did a family basket instead of individual ones. He had to share everything with everyone. It worked quite well. </p><p> </p><p>It also gave us the phrase "we don't bean count in this family". If we got into a discussion over who got more of a petty item, all I have to say is that "I am not a bean counter" or "we don't bean count" and my kids will stop because they know I will give it all away. I have given whatever they are arguing over to homeless people, I have taken it all for myself, I have given it all to the child who is not participating in the argument, it all depends on my mood and the item in question. Mostly they know that I HATE the "he got more than I got" nonsense and I won't deal with it. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit or you don't get any. It takes a few times of not getting any to learn, but they do larn in time. It isn't fun as a parent to be the mean one, but it does work if you are consistent. </p><p></p><p>Please don't take this as any type of criticism of what you feed your child. My kids were all picky eaters and I am the pickiest eater you would ever meet. But one thing that helps kids cope is to have regular snacks that are high in protein. When you take snacks, look for ones that are at least 1/3 protein. I learned to keep those zone or balance bars with me at all times (or other similar bars that are at least 1/3 protein) so that as soon as I picked my kids up from school they could have one. You have to read the labels because a lot of the bars out there don't have much protein and are really just cookies pretending to be healthy. The protein really makes a difference, at least it did with my kids and with many of their friends. I used to figure on a meal or protein heavy snack every 3 hours or so if we were out doing things, or else the kids would end up having tantrums because they ran out of fuel. I was often the chaperone on field trips with my kids and I watched it happen on more than a few field trips. If it was the type where we broke off into groups and went our separate ways, my group was always better behaved because I gave them snacks more often (I always got the 'difficult' kids so I knew them and what they liked for snacks and I was prepared. - no one understood why they behaved for me and not for the teacher or anyone else, lol). It isn't a magic trick and won't solve everything, but it does help.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 712432, member: 1233"] Your family needs help. Your daughter needs help now. It is time to get her evaluated. This is NOT normal behavior. I know, I lived through it with my oldest child. After our daughter was born he changed dramatically. He loved her, but could not cope with her. He behaved much like your daughter does and it didn't stop until we finally had to arrange to have him live with my parents when he was 14. He kept trying to kill her. Actually murder her, and murder me to get to her because he had to go through me to get to her. He has very high functioning Aspergers, a type of autism, and for some reason would just get super angry and she was always his target. It wasn't that she did anything to him. Anything could make him mad, and then that anger had to be taken out on her. We spent YEARS where we could not leave the 2 of them alone for even long enough to go to the restroom. Either my husband or I had to be at home because sitters couldn't handle him attacking her. We only got to go out as a couple about 2 times a year when my parents would visit because they were the only ones who could handle my son. Get your daughter evaluated by a neuropsychologist and an autism specialist. Also get an Occupational Therapist to evaluate her for sensory problems. Often children have problems with the brain not knowing how to handle input from their senses. THis means that they go into overload. A new sibling adds so much new sensory stimulation, especially after school, and this is likely more than your daughter can handle. I have sensory issues and sometimes what would be the smallest thing to someone else can send me into the BIGGEST tailspin and just completely make it impossible for me to cope with anything. I am a full grown adult and this happens to me. It happened a LOT more when I was a kid. It was super hard to handle because no one really understood back then although my mom got it more than most other people. Getting a handle on sensory issues can help eliminate a lot of tantrums. She may be overwhelmed in places like the zoo and that may be the cause of her tantrums. One thing that I think is CRUCIAL for parents to remember is that children do well when they are ABLE, not when they want to. Something is causing a problem for your daughter and it is your job to help figure out what it is. This is why you need to have her evaluated and not hope she will grow out of it. You DO need to protect your younger child. He has a right to grow up in a peaceful home where he can flourish and feel loved and cherished. I always evaluated the therapy suggested for my older child in the light of the impact it would have on my other children. It always has an impact on the family and that is important. One therapist wanted me to give my older son a chip each time he did something nice for my daughter. Those chips could then be redeemed for prizes. I was supposed to pay him to be nice to his sister. Uh, no. I don't think so. I am not going to tell my young daughter that she is so worthless that I have to pay her brother to be nice to her. I went to the supervising psychiatrist (it was a teaching hospital) and discussed my objection to this, namely the impact on my daughter. The head doctor was furious that it was even suggested between staff, much less that it was actually told to a parent. It would have damaged my daughter greatly had we done that, and I am glad I followed my instincts and refused. Always follow your instincts - you know your kids MUCH better than the doctors do. You are with them FAR more than the doctors are. The doctors know medicine, you know your kids. My oldest often had the perception that we favored his sister. I got sick of it the year he had a tantrum because she got more black jelly beans than he did. He got more jelly beans total, and he loathed black jelly beans, but she got more black jelly beans. Cue the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth! I promptly gave ALL the jelly beans to my daughter. Took them out of his basket and gave them to her. If they were going to be such a huge fuss, he didn't deserve a single one. Boy did he have a fit, but he stopped when I told him she could have all the chocolate if he wanted to keep fussing. After that year we did a family basket instead of individual ones. He had to share everything with everyone. It worked quite well. It also gave us the phrase "we don't bean count in this family". If we got into a discussion over who got more of a petty item, all I have to say is that "I am not a bean counter" or "we don't bean count" and my kids will stop because they know I will give it all away. I have given whatever they are arguing over to homeless people, I have taken it all for myself, I have given it all to the child who is not participating in the argument, it all depends on my mood and the item in question. Mostly they know that I HATE the "he got more than I got" nonsense and I won't deal with it. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit or you don't get any. It takes a few times of not getting any to learn, but they do larn in time. It isn't fun as a parent to be the mean one, but it does work if you are consistent. Please don't take this as any type of criticism of what you feed your child. My kids were all picky eaters and I am the pickiest eater you would ever meet. But one thing that helps kids cope is to have regular snacks that are high in protein. When you take snacks, look for ones that are at least 1/3 protein. I learned to keep those zone or balance bars with me at all times (or other similar bars that are at least 1/3 protein) so that as soon as I picked my kids up from school they could have one. You have to read the labels because a lot of the bars out there don't have much protein and are really just cookies pretending to be healthy. The protein really makes a difference, at least it did with my kids and with many of their friends. I used to figure on a meal or protein heavy snack every 3 hours or so if we were out doing things, or else the kids would end up having tantrums because they ran out of fuel. I was often the chaperone on field trips with my kids and I watched it happen on more than a few field trips. If it was the type where we broke off into groups and went our separate ways, my group was always better behaved because I gave them snacks more often (I always got the 'difficult' kids so I knew them and what they liked for snacks and I was prepared. - no one understood why they behaved for me and not for the teacher or anyone else, lol). It isn't a magic trick and won't solve everything, but it does help. [/QUOTE]
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