Should I give difficult child $$$ to get married?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Masta, Aug 22, 2007.

  1. Masta

    Masta Member

    background info: 18yr difficult child was placed voluntarily into foster care 3yrs ago. we could not longer handle her after exhausted every possibility we could to get her help.

    3 mths ago difficult child met this boy and decided they wanted a child. (which I find very hard to believe coz difficult child has always said she never wanted a child) she likes the attention on her 24/7. she is getting the attention she craves now because she is preggers. but I have a bad feeling that once this child is born she will neglect it. she is emtionally, socially and mentally delayed.

    18yr difficult child was released from foster care (she requested to be released on her own) because she's 12-14 weeks pregnant . the father of the unborn baby parents offered difficult child to move in with them. so as of last week she has been living with her boy friend and his family. difficult child was told she has to pay half of the rent, she gets to have 2 bedrooms of the 5 bedroom house, she will share all of her WIC food and pay for half of the trip to California. the day difficult child was released she and her new in-laws and b/f went to California for a week. difficult child had savings which is gone now. stopping by at Disney and staying in 4 hotels and gambling in Mesquite.

    I have a weird vibe from difficult child's new in-laws. they don't want anyone coming to their home. they are way to accepting of my difficult child and don't care about her history and I'm not the only one thinking this. difficult child's foster mom says the same thing. difficult child and her b/f were both in self contained classrooms at their school. they were separated by gender, kids that are court ordered go there unless they have severe mental health problems and have tried everything else before they can get into the self contained classroom. apparently difficult child's b/f was wrongly accused of something and ended up there (is the story I'm being fed).

    the day before they were due to return back home (aug 20) from California I receive a phone call from difficult child telling me "they" (as in her b/friend and his family and extended family) have set a date to get married (sept 20). b/f's grandma who is in California is making the wedding dress and has already taken the measurements.

    her b/f is 17yrs old. b/f's mother wants him to work (currently has 2 jobs paying minimum wage) while difficult child goes to school (because medical, dental etc and her education is paid for till she is 21yrs by the state). difficult child is learning disabled, and doesn't have any intention of going to college. difficult child's boyfriend has a history of his own that no-one is willing to share with us. difficult child graduated but her b/friend was suppose to be a senior this yr but has dropped out of school.

    these 2 kids don't know how to go about organizing a wedding so I'm thinking difficult child's mother-in-law might walk them through it. by going to the courthouse or whatever you have to do in the States in order to get married. yesterday when they arrived home from california i asked difficult child is she is going to inquire about college.. she said she needs time to settle in. her b/friend was playing playstation 2 at the time.

    I know b/f's family is low income and they have no sense of how to manage money wisely. difficult child's mother-in-law has constantly bought baby items at garage sales as soon as she found out difficult child was 5 weeks preggers (which seems very weird to me) she takes her son along with her to buy baby items and shows difficult child later. difficult child isn't too happy about not having a say in the decision making when it comes to the baby stuff. the in-laws are telling her all sorts of crap from what sex the baby is.... to ...she is having twins and because her b/f is half native American "they are never wrong".

    I'm wondering, should I pay for this wedding? difficult child isn't working. she wants something low key, but then mentions renting out a hall. difficult child wants $500 extensions in her hair. (in the last yr she has had the extensions twice, she has paid for them on her own by working at McDonalds but she no longer works). no-one from our side of the family will be going just his side of the family (which is ok by me coz my in-laws are anti social controlling fruitcakes anyway) and my family is all back in Australia. husband says they as in difficult child and her b/f haven't done one thing traditional yet, so why should we pay for difficult children wedding and it seems as though b/f's family have taken over everything, but we have a feeling we will be hit up for cash real soon.

    advice please.....

    Masta
     
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I guess my attitude would be she's my daughter and I want to be part of this time even if it doesn't quite feel right. So, I would offer a set amount and offer to help as much as possible.

    It does sound like the whole thing is wrong on some level but she is still your daughter.

    Good luck and I hope the wedding is a success even if it sounds like the marriage will ultimately be a disaster.
     
  3. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Eeeeewwww! This all sounds extremely strange!

    For one thing, it doesn't even sound like it was their idea to get married in the first place! It sounds like boyfriend's family is calling all the shots and THEY'VE decided. His family picked a date, and grandma's already working on the wedding dress??? It sounds like this family may end up taking advantage of her. She's paying HALF the rent and she's expected to share what she gets through WIC?

    I don't know what to tell you about helping with the wedding expenses. If it were me, I would be very suspicious of some of what's going on. If you want to help, maybe you could pay directly for different things for the wedding instead of just giving her (or them!) cash.

    One thing for sure that she DOESN'T need ... a pregnant teenager living with her boyfriend's family and who will soon have a baby to support and care for does NOT need $500 worth of hair extensions! Nobody NEEDS hair extensions! They may WANT them, but they don't NEED them! Huge difference.
     
  4. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I would not just give her cash. Find out what her plans are and then personally pay for what you are comfortable with. She doesn't need $500.00 hair extensions to get married. I would definatley not pay for those. She can get her hair done for less then $100.00 for the day. Find a justice of the peace and a cheap hall. Then you can spend a few bucks on decorating it nicely if you choose. Just don't get sucked into handing money over indirectly for anything.
     
  5. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    I would not be paying anything towards this wedding--are you even invited to it? Sounds to me like difficult child's in-laws to be just want her money.

    Jane
     
  6. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    This does sound really strange. I'm not sure what to think of this. I'm on the fence as far as paying for the wedding.
    Maybe contribute $500 and be done with it?

    Steph
     
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im with the others...dont send CASH!!!

    If you really want to be a saint...pay for the flowers or a cake or something like that and then book two nights at the local holiday Inn for the newlyweds...lol.
     
  8. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I agree with my namesake...janet...lol
     
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I have a motto concerning marriage. If you can't afford to pay for it yourselves, then you're in no position financially to be married. And I'm not talking an expensive wedding here.

    Just because difficult child is pregnant is no reason these two kids should feel the Need to get married. If they really want to be together, they'll come up with the funds. Why compound one mistake with another??

    When Nichole was pregnant you wouldn't believe how many people assumed I wanted her and b/f to get married. :faint:
     
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    If you feel a need to, you should offer to pay an amount you are comfortable with. I'm with the others, though. No cash.
     
  11. Masta

    Masta Member

    we are invited to the wedding. difficult child does not want to invite her fostermom and her dcfs case worker because they have not supported her choices in the past (neither have i). we as in husband myself and her brothers are getting invited because we are her family.

    fostermom and dcfs case worker have helped difficult child over the yrs and fostermom considers difficult child like one of her own. difficult child says she doesnt want any guilt trips and only wants people who will support her and not bring any negativity with them on her special day.

    i will not give cash. if she sits down with husband and i and explains things a little better i may and i say MAY offer to pay for her wedding cake and other tid bits.

    its funny coz up until difficult child found out she was preggers she hadnt spoken to us in months and specially asked we not be invited to any of her events including her graduation and other case related meetings.

    now i hear from her daily via text or msn. she cycles. i just dont understand why any parent would want their 17yr boy to marry a girl who is nearly 19 whether or not she is pregnant is beside the point.
     
  12. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    WOW :faint:

    Now there's a match made in heaven.....NOT. :hammer:

    It sounds like difficult child is loving the attention she's getting right now. It sure sounds fishy, Masta. I'm glad you are planning to attend. I'd certainly want to check things out in person even if it's too late to do anything about it.

    I'm with the group. No extensions. Pay for specifics and make the check(s) payable to the flower shop or cake place, etc.

    I hope it's not as goofy as it sounds.

    Suz
     
  13. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I was 21 and husband 23 when we married. husband's family wound up paying for the wedding. Not because we couldn't pay for what WE had planned (a simple outdoor ceremony at a county park), but because HIS parents wanted a full on fancy wedding.

    My parents chipped in on what they would've paid had it been the wedding husband and I wanted. As I recall, checks for flowers, their share of catering, etc., were paid directly to the vendors.

    There's nothing wrong with this. It didn't bode well for good feelings between the inlaws who already felt husband was marrying 'below his class' and there was a lot of wrangling involved.

    I do agree wholeheartedly with 'no cash' in a case like this. I was not pregnant and husband and I had been together for nearly five years by the time we married
     
  14. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Wow! I just went back and re-read your original post. And if I were you, I would do NOTHING to encourage or assist with this "marriage" The more I read it, the more red flags go up! Is there a chance in the world that you could try to talk her out of it? I hate to say it but it sounds like they see this pregnant girl who is getting government benefits and are eager to "share the wealth"! And apparently in return, she's getting lots of attention for being the "pregnant girl" and now "the bride"!

    So how many people are in this family? And they expect your daughter to pay HALF their rent? And this "low income" family used HER savings for a week-long vacation to California, trips to Disney and gambling in the casinos? OMG! These people sounds like leaches! And they refuse to allow anyone to come in to their house? Double OMG!!

    No 17 year old boy is ready for marriage! They're still kids themselves, playing video games. I can't believe they are so anxiously pushing this wedding ... leading to a "marriage" that won't stand a snowball's chance in He!! of succeeding!

    There's a lot of things worse than being an unemployed, pregnant teenager! One of those would be being an unemployed pregnant teenager who has a <u>bad marriage</u> to contend with, on top of everything else! boyfriend works? Good for him! Let him pay her child support! She doesn't have to MARRY him!
     
  15. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    All I can say is Sheesh. What are they thinking? Poor innocent baby.
    Nothing like mother and child being used as a meal ticket. I would be fit to be tied if she spent her savings on a week of vacation and then wanted you to foot the bill for the wedding. Seems like her celebration was in California.
    No matter what you do, you will be the bad guy and probably vilified because you didn't give her carte blanche for the in laws to enjoy.

    I say a nice crib for the baby as a wedding contribution.
     
  16. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yikes, I agree, I would not contribute financially, except for the baby.

    I am just wondering though - do you think that these parents are using this girl almost as a surrogate mom for themselves? I am concerned that they are viewing this baby as actually their own baby - and once it is born they will try to get legal custody of it. Not sure what you can do about it, except consult a lawyer.........but it is food for thought.


    Good luck.
     
  17. Masta

    Masta Member

    ohh.. weeping willow, I have thought of that too. these people just don't add up to me at all.

    they keep saying they hope the baby is a boy so this child can carry on the family name since b/f is the only son in the family. so they have bought mainly baby boy clothes.(too bad if she miscarried) they would have been stuck with a ton of stuff because the crazy mother-in-law started buying way to soon. the mother-in-law has gone out and bought difficult child new maternity clothes from a maternity store (pricey) a few weeks ago and is telling difficult child she is showing. remember difficult child is 12-14 weeks preggers.

    the father in-law is half native American/ half Spanish (but has no documentation to prove it). I have asked if their son (difficult child's b/f) can get free schooling since they are native Americans and the father-in-law says they are trying to get the documentation but his tribe scattered to all four directions of the States many yrs ago so chances are slim.

    if difficult child asks me for help, I will buy for the baby. the baby has a crib they bought from a garage sale.. but no mattress so I will buy things that the baby needs.

    difficult child thinks she has 3 built-in babysitters coz her b/f has 3 sisters. (I was the complete opposite when I had difficult child, I wouldn't trust anyone with her, I wanted to do everything myself, I wouldn't leave her with anyone till she was near 2yrs old, and even then I was very selective with who I left her with). difficult child makes jokes her b/f will be the one to change the baby since she carried it for nine months (mother-in-law told her that's how it should be and it worked for her). I am already imagining difficult child bringing the baby over for a visit and I will have to de-louse and put it in clean clothes as soon as it comes through my door.

    donna723: to answer your question as to how many people live at the house my difficult child is paying half the rent for.... both b/f's parents and 3 sisters (one is supposedly moving out) they also have a friend of the b/f's who stays there frequently... then there is difficult child and her b/f. these people were paying their rent on their own and now they expect their 17yr son to pay for himself and difficult child. the rent they have to pay is approx $360 and I don't know if it includes utilities etc.

    what im annoyed about is that difficult child could of stayed at her foster home till she was ready to leave, they State would of still given difficult child her $40 a month for clothing allowance, difficult child would of had to pay a small amount of rent to live in the foster parents basement (which she had all to herself). if she had chosen to move out and share an apartment with another female while going to school the State would of paid her $17 a day to help with rent. now she gets nothing and has to deal with this weird family. I know she will crack soon.. she cycles and cannot form real relationships (borderline personality disorder for sure) with anyone. I'm sure she will not be able to handle this situation for too long. my concern is where will she go once things get tough and what about the baby. the in-laws will take it for sure.
     
  18. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    Jeez Masta, the red flags just keep flashing on this one don't they.
    At first I sort of liked "the Janet's" idea of paying for a few wedding things. I definately think no $500 hair extensions and no cash.
    I also agree with Fran though, whatever you do...it will probably be wrong.
    I also sort of agree with Donna....this is just too weird.
    I thought the same thing as WeepingWillow also...do you think the future in laws want an "heir" so they will try and claim your daughter as incompetent and then "daddy" will get custody? It seems like an awful lot that she is being asked to pay for compared to what their paying.

    is there any way you could search the county records to see if there is anything "on" this family. ie have any of them been arrested or their are charges or they've been involved with DCF or anything?

    It's almost like she's being sucked into a cult sort of relationship.

    Very scary.
     
  19. Masta

    Masta Member

    I agree with you sunnyflorida on agreeing with the previous posters on allot of stuff.

    i dont know if i can search country records for dcfs stuff.. but i can search for warrants.

    The fatherinlaw drives a school bus.. the school district wouldnt hire a criminal would they?

    the motherinlaw works 1 hour a day for a retirement home.

    (i have never met b/f's sisters) the inlaws oldest daughter is on disability coz she has some learning issues, she can still manage to work at mcdonalds.

    everyone in that house works but they arent high paying jobs.

    they may want an heir... they keep talking like they do.
     
  20. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    They have a seventeen year old son! HE'S their "heir"!

    Honestly, it sounds like they're <u>breeding</u> this 17 year old boy to make sure there are future generations with that last name! Creepy!
     
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