Should I keep my mouth shut?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by catwoman, May 15, 2008.

  1. catwoman

    catwoman New Member

    I had lunch with difficult child on Mother's Day weekend. He and girlfriend are moving into an apartment together. His girlfriend is a sweetheart, we get along really well. A few days after signing the lease difficult child got laid off from his job. Being off medications and being a difficult child, he's turned this into the end of the world. Nothing ever goes right for him, it's all someone else's fault, yada, yada, yada. You've all heard it. I offered a few suggestions of things to help them get by until he's working, (thrift stores, county assistance, etc.) but he didn't want to hear any of it. He just wanted to feel sorry for himself. When I asked how girlfriend was handling it, he made it sound as if she had one foot out the door already, which I found hard to believe because she's totally supportive of him. I knew nothing I said would make any difference, so I said I was sorry for the problems he was having and changed the subject. I have to say that even though he was completely depressed and self absorbed he was not abusive or disrespectful to me, which is what would have happened in the past. I e-mailed girlfriend and she's fine but wishes she could help difficult child cope. I suggested his going back on medications would help a lot and she agrees. What bothers me is that I see her doing all the things I did in the past to try and help. She loves him and wants to fix everything so she completely enables his behavior the way I did. I like her very much and don't want to see her hurt. I also think she's the best thing that ever happened to difficult child. Do I somehow share my experiences with her? I don't want to be in the middle of things, but I want her to know I'm here if she needs me. What do you all think?
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think it would be a betrayal of his trust to offer your input without being asked. She needs to learn these lessons for herself. If she asks, answer her question, but no more. Otherwise, they are adults, and he will always be your son.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I agree with Witz.

    mother in law didn't give me info on husband until my eyes began to open and I started asking questions or for advice. I adore mother in law. And when we reached this point our relationship reached a whole new level. It's so nice to have someone I can discuss husband with who knows exactly what I'm talking about.

    But I think if she'd done it before I asked, I'd have either not listened or resented it. I wasn't ready. My mother had been telling me for years and I still had to learn the hard way.

    And you never know. She might have enough influence to get him going in the right direction.

  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I agree that you need to stay out of it. These are lessons they need to learn about themselves and each other.

    Good luck!

  5. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I agree with Witz, too.

  6. Star*

    Star* call 911

    My first thought to:

    Should I keep my mouth shut?

    I dunno - could I?

    I know you love your son. No doubt. I know you like this girl too, but it sounds like (reading between the lines) like you would like to sit down and give her that HERE is where you are going to be in 10 years speech. Which while admirable on your part would drive a wedge between you and your son.

    I say this because when I met my x - he was so many things manerly, nice, above reproach on his intentions, honest, almost to a fault - I thought I had found prince charming. I sent flowers to his Mom thanking her for such a wonderful son. Knowing that he was kinda into drugs, drinking and quite the ladies man -her ONLY retort when calling to thank me for the flowers..."Are you sure you sent these to the right Mom?"

    THAT was my big "I told you so" and over the years anytime after we were married there were problems and she stuck her nose in it - she managed to stick my nose in HER Are you sure you sent those flowers to the right Mom comment like a dog in a pile on the living room floor. She would turn to EVERYONE and say "I told her he was an addict." (never) "I told her he was an alcoholic?" (NOT ONCE - but met him several times at the bar to buy her drinks) "I told her he'd never be true to her." (oh yeah I remember that one -pft. not)

    So I'm just wondering .....If the "advice" you want to give this girl isn't maybe more of a warning. And for that if that - you are to be commended, BUT (HUGE BUTT) I agree with Witz - in this current matter? Butt out. Should they ever decide to marry and you feel it is wrong for her BECAUSE of your son? Say your peace, but be warned - She is SURE she can fix him with love.

    At this point you have to say - It could work and be happy walking away from it. If you can't be happy and you want to stir a hornets nest (aka difficult child) by saying "HERE IS ALL MY ADVICE." go ahead, but me thinks it would be a mistake.

  7. catwoman

    catwoman New Member

    Thanks for the input everyone. It's not my intention to warn her or give advice, I just want to let her know she can talk to me if need be, but I want to do it in a way that WONT be interfering to her or my son.
  8. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Well, when difficult child was doing well and brought an actual decent girl home to meet the parents?

    I just concentrated on forming my relationship with her. I was curious about her, and I liked her, and I left anything to do with difficult child up to her and to him.

    I am glad I did it that way.

    When difficult child began using again, it was the girlfriend who made him come home (she came with him) to confess that the problem had never been anything but drugs.

    (That is how I know so much about when and what kind.)

    Then, she left him.

    difficult child was so nasty to her that she will not take a call from him to this day.

    And I don't blame her.

    In fact, difficult child told me he called her up one day out of the blue not so long ago to ask whether she still hated him?

    And she said "YES!" and hung up.


    If we weren't so leery of the whole dependency thing, husband and I would have sent HER money!

    She was great.

    But to get back to your current decision ~ I still say keep out of anything to do with their private lives. She knows already exactly what his situation is.

    Probably, with a clearer understanding than the one you have.

    Cherish her, enjoy her as the daughter she may someday become to you, and let them work out the parameters of their relationship on their own.

    That's what I say, anyway.