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Should she come home?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 619942" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Leah it is so hard to decide what to do or what not to do. What is enabling? What is helping? What is basic humanity? When there are little children involved I can only imagine how much harder it is. </p><p></p><p>Here are some general principles that have helped me, for what they are worth:</p><p></p><p>1. Wait. There is no emergency right now. Let time take its time. It is very hard to wait for those of us who see action-takers. We take action first because it makes US feel better. It is what we have always done when faced with a problem. It does not work with addiction.</p><p></p><p>2. has our loved one asked us for help? If we have not been asked, there is no reason to rush in with our "good" solutions. Continue waiting.</p><p></p><p>3. If we have been asked for help, ask ourselves this: are we considering doing something for someone that they should be doing for themselves? Taking on the adult responsibilities of another adult is a very temporary "fix." We cannot possibly take care of the responsibilities of another adult. But it is clear on this site that is what many many of us try to do. It happens slowly so we don't see it for what it is because we keep thinking "this" is the turning point. But the turning point never comes this way.</p><p></p><p>4. Is the person taking good and necessary steps to change? Getting help. Coming clean. Being honest. Not just one time or one day or via a big speech. Consistently walking the talk for a while. Saying less and doing more. Looking you in the eye. Going to meetings. Taking responsibility with small things. Not being high. Telling you their plans. If not and you are going to "help" with rent, with money, with a phone, with a ride, you are not going to be helping. giving someone food when they are hungry is an exception in my mind but that is it.</p><p></p><p>5. realizing that WE WILL KNOW when they are getting honest and trying to change. It will be in their voice in their fewer words in what they say and do and don't say and do. they may still relapse later because relapse is part of the disease but we will know if and when they start getting true about their disease and the steps they need to start taking. </p><p></p><p>6. Until we see evidence of the above, what do we do? How do we stand it---watching someone we love and innocent children, self destruct or be in harms way? We get help too. We start the hard work of change on US. Because many of us have spent a lifetime trying to help, fix, manage and control. We start with realizing we can't save the world. Heck we can't save even one other person. All we can do is possibly save ourselves and that is a full time job. We use tools we are given every single day to work on changing ourselves and we stick to the work even as we make mistakes, enable again, and learn from it. When we are more focused on someone else's life---anybody's life---than our own, that is not selfishness (as we were taught( that is enabling.</p><p></p><p>There is much much more to this hard work...learning to rely on our higher power, learning to respect the choices of other adults even if those choices are self destruction, learning HOW to mind our own business, learning how to do all of this with gentleness and compassion and much more. </p><p></p><p>While we are working on ourselves and learning little by little how much we have to learn and doing all we can to learn it---we start to understand exactly that this is what our loved one is going to have to do...and just how hard it is.</p><p></p><p>And every day---every hour---we work hard to do this: stay out of the way. </p><p></p><p>Our loved ones are not going to reclaim their lives---if they ever do---by anything---anything---we do. That is a fact. A fact. </p><p></p><p>So we are powerless but we are not helpless. We get the help we need (that is not being helpless---getting help) and we focus on our own lives, still loving that person as much as we ever have. </p><p></p><p>This is the hardest thing I have ever, ever tried to do in my life---all of this. I say none of it lightly but with tenderness and compassion for you as you struggle with your next action---or not---with your beloved sister. </p><p></p><p>Blessings and prayers for you and for her today. </p><p></p><p></p><p>Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 619942, member: 17542"] Leah it is so hard to decide what to do or what not to do. What is enabling? What is helping? What is basic humanity? When there are little children involved I can only imagine how much harder it is. Here are some general principles that have helped me, for what they are worth: 1. Wait. There is no emergency right now. Let time take its time. It is very hard to wait for those of us who see action-takers. We take action first because it makes US feel better. It is what we have always done when faced with a problem. It does not work with addiction. 2. has our loved one asked us for help? If we have not been asked, there is no reason to rush in with our "good" solutions. Continue waiting. 3. If we have been asked for help, ask ourselves this: are we considering doing something for someone that they should be doing for themselves? Taking on the adult responsibilities of another adult is a very temporary "fix." We cannot possibly take care of the responsibilities of another adult. But it is clear on this site that is what many many of us try to do. It happens slowly so we don't see it for what it is because we keep thinking "this" is the turning point. But the turning point never comes this way. 4. Is the person taking good and necessary steps to change? Getting help. Coming clean. Being honest. Not just one time or one day or via a big speech. Consistently walking the talk for a while. Saying less and doing more. Looking you in the eye. Going to meetings. Taking responsibility with small things. Not being high. Telling you their plans. If not and you are going to "help" with rent, with money, with a phone, with a ride, you are not going to be helping. giving someone food when they are hungry is an exception in my mind but that is it. 5. realizing that WE WILL KNOW when they are getting honest and trying to change. It will be in their voice in their fewer words in what they say and do and don't say and do. they may still relapse later because relapse is part of the disease but we will know if and when they start getting true about their disease and the steps they need to start taking. 6. Until we see evidence of the above, what do we do? How do we stand it---watching someone we love and innocent children, self destruct or be in harms way? We get help too. We start the hard work of change on US. Because many of us have spent a lifetime trying to help, fix, manage and control. We start with realizing we can't save the world. Heck we can't save even one other person. All we can do is possibly save ourselves and that is a full time job. We use tools we are given every single day to work on changing ourselves and we stick to the work even as we make mistakes, enable again, and learn from it. When we are more focused on someone else's life---anybody's life---than our own, that is not selfishness (as we were taught( that is enabling. There is much much more to this hard work...learning to rely on our higher power, learning to respect the choices of other adults even if those choices are self destruction, learning HOW to mind our own business, learning how to do all of this with gentleness and compassion and much more. While we are working on ourselves and learning little by little how much we have to learn and doing all we can to learn it---we start to understand exactly that this is what our loved one is going to have to do...and just how hard it is. And every day---every hour---we work hard to do this: stay out of the way. Our loved ones are not going to reclaim their lives---if they ever do---by anything---anything---we do. That is a fact. A fact. So we are powerless but we are not helpless. We get the help we need (that is not being helpless---getting help) and we focus on our own lives, still loving that person as much as we ever have. This is the hardest thing I have ever, ever tried to do in my life---all of this. I say none of it lightly but with tenderness and compassion for you as you struggle with your next action---or not---with your beloved sister. Blessings and prayers for you and for her today. Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders [/QUOTE]
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