Defiantchild,
We adopted our son when he was two days old.
We met the biomom when she was in the early stages of labor. She ate an entire plateful of spaghetti at Olive Garden. She already had one son who was a year old and really wanted us to meet him, so he sat in a high chair at the table. The grandmother was there, too.
They rifled us with questions.
We didn't find out what they were really like until after we had agreed to the adoption, and even then, when the mother and daughter argued so much they got kicked out of the adoption svc twice, we rationalized that they were under a lot of stress.
After many yrs we put 2 and 2 together and realized that the grandma is Aspie and the daughter is very mild Aspie.
I met the biodad, too. Talked to his mom a lot over the phone. He'd get a great job, rise to the top, and crash. Over and over. He's bipolar.
So ... after many meltdowns, rages, and on occasion, fearing for my life, and many, many doctors, difficult child is diagnosis'd with-Aspie lite and mood disorder not otherwise specified.
When he was a baby, he hardly slept. He ate constantly. He didn't babble. He screamed. It was a high-pitched screech that drove people nuts. I had to quit taking him out to eat with us. Sad, because his older sister, our bio-daughter, was soooo easy. Just add water, instant baby.
And he liked lots of physical pressure. It took me a long time to figure all this out. Family and friends said, "Oh, he's all boy!"
But I knew the instant I took him home that he was different.
We had dinner at a Chinese restaurant once and the waitress offered to hold him for us. Within 3 min. she exclaimed, "He like be hold tight!"
I was kind of jealous that she'd figured it out so fast, but relieved that she had noticed and didn't seem to mind.
When he was about 5, we'd have hugging contests and hug as tightly as we could until one of us was ready to pass out--usually me.
I learned a special scratching/rubbing/massage technique to use on his back (you can buy brushing tools) that would put him to sleep in less than 5 min. It was like a miracle.
He is two grade levels behind. He will be 18 in 3 wks, and is a Jr in HS. He has gone to summer school for math for 2 yrs. He tends to flunk math.
We've gone through 3 private schools and found that the public school system actually was the best thing. I butted heads with-my husband over that. He really wanted both of our kids in private schools. Also, he's a chiropractor and hates drugs. So we didn't give our son Adderall until I threatened to leave.
He loves animals. He used to be excellent at sports, but refuses to play them any more. "I already did that. I'm not doing it again." Very black-and-white thinking.
difficult child has a job at McDonald's and is very motivated to work there. He owes me thousands of dollars ... went through a drug spree a few yrs back and stole all my jewelry. He is very ADHD and impulsive, even with-medications, and tends to spend his paychecks the minute he gets them. Luckily, he uses automatic deposit so I can take $ directly from his account. He is giving me $20 per paycheck ... or is it per month? And it will never be paid off at this rate.
We sat down yesterday and had a family meeting. His behavior has been deplorable, particularly toward me. (Thank doG, husband finally realizes it.) difficult child wants a car for his birthday. Sigh. Last night he was friendly and polite, so I know he can do it.
He's had the same girlfriend for 2 yrs. She is a difficult child. Her mother is a difficult child. Most of their friends are g'sfg. I mean, I have to tell them to bathe, to lower their voices, to bring gifts to birthday parties, you name it. difficult child hates that I tell him "stupid things" in front of his friends, or tell them directly, but their parents don't tell them so they'll never know. I've learned that parenting a difficult child means that if they have any friends at all, they will also be g'sfg.
NOT what I signed up for.
Luckily, I'm an artist and occasional writer, so I have my own life. But some days, he sucks the life right out of me and I just go back to bed.
