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sibling problems???any advice?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 20543" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I've never allowed any behaviour between my kids that isn't publicly acceptable. Example: publicly belittling and telling others to not play with him - that is a form of bullying. easy child 2/difficult child 2 was accused of doing this to a younger child (not related) who hung around her on the way to and from school - this kid wouldn't leave her alone even when she asked him to go away. She had not told her friends to be mean to him, but she probably HAD said something like, "just ignore him." It was enough for her to be threatened with disciplinary action at school, because the child's mother accused easy child 2/difficult child 2 of bullying by exclusion.</p><p>In turn easy child 2/difficult child 2 tried to point out that the darling little boy had been stalking her, but because she had not previously taken the problem to a teacher (although she had talked to me about it) she was not listened to.</p><p></p><p>Harrassment and verbal instructions to others to bully - these are all forms of bullying. If he's doing it to his brother without being corrected or disciplined, he AND his brother will think that it is acceptable to do this and will continue with this behaviour - into adulthood, when it can get really serious.</p><p></p><p>As for the physical fighting - I take a leaf from my mother's book. A jug of cold water will cut short a fight between people OR dogs.</p><p></p><p>They both have to learn appropriate ways of dealing with their frustration. Fists are not acceptable. difficult children especially HAVE to learn to walk away, because they get blamed more than most when it's not always their fault. If they're angry and frustrated they should deal with it - talk about it, ask for someone to mediate, sort it verbally or just ignore the person. The older boy needs to learn to tolerate the younger and to not resent him; the younger one has to give his older brother some space. They need to be sat down and made to work together to organise ground rules which are a compromise for them both. Write out the rules and stick them on a poster on the wall. Make them adhere to it. You need rewards for adhering to the rules, as well as consequences for not doing so. But aim for the rewards rather than the consequences. They should be fairly natural rewards and not monetary or material. So in that sit down and talk, ask THEM what t hey would like as rewards (make it clear - not monetary or material). Time alone is good; time allowed playing computer games is good; time watching TV is good. A family outing as a reward for getting past a certain number of days without a fight - good. And if you make it clear that BOTH boys need to stay out of fights with each other in order for either to receive rewards, they may hopefully learn to help each other stay calm instead of provoking each other.</p><p>Example: little brother nagging big brother to play. Big brother says no, little bro keeps nagging. Eventually big bro snaps and hits little bro.</p><p>Both boys are in the wrong - big bro for snapping, little bro for provoking.</p><p>Next time - little bro hassles big bro. Big bro says, "Leave me alone, I don't want to play." Little bro may keep nagging. Big bro could remind him of what happened last time - little bro has a choice - keep nagging and cop consequences, or stop nagging and walk away and if no fights happen that day, they both get a reward.</p><p>Meanwhile big bro thinks, "If I play with him for half an hour, he will stop pestering me and we will both get in mum's good books."</p><p></p><p>To begin with, the boys are motivated by gain. But it shouldn't take long for conditioned response to kick in and they find ways in which to interact which are acceptable to the other. And to you.</p><p></p><p>But don't forget the bucket (or jug, or glass) of cold water, thrown at them when they are physically fighting. It should stop the fight enough for you to get some sense into them.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 20543, member: 1991"] I've never allowed any behaviour between my kids that isn't publicly acceptable. Example: publicly belittling and telling others to not play with him - that is a form of bullying. easy child 2/difficult child 2 was accused of doing this to a younger child (not related) who hung around her on the way to and from school - this kid wouldn't leave her alone even when she asked him to go away. She had not told her friends to be mean to him, but she probably HAD said something like, "just ignore him." It was enough for her to be threatened with disciplinary action at school, because the child's mother accused easy child 2/difficult child 2 of bullying by exclusion. In turn easy child 2/difficult child 2 tried to point out that the darling little boy had been stalking her, but because she had not previously taken the problem to a teacher (although she had talked to me about it) she was not listened to. Harrassment and verbal instructions to others to bully - these are all forms of bullying. If he's doing it to his brother without being corrected or disciplined, he AND his brother will think that it is acceptable to do this and will continue with this behaviour - into adulthood, when it can get really serious. As for the physical fighting - I take a leaf from my mother's book. A jug of cold water will cut short a fight between people OR dogs. They both have to learn appropriate ways of dealing with their frustration. Fists are not acceptable. difficult children especially HAVE to learn to walk away, because they get blamed more than most when it's not always their fault. If they're angry and frustrated they should deal with it - talk about it, ask for someone to mediate, sort it verbally or just ignore the person. The older boy needs to learn to tolerate the younger and to not resent him; the younger one has to give his older brother some space. They need to be sat down and made to work together to organise ground rules which are a compromise for them both. Write out the rules and stick them on a poster on the wall. Make them adhere to it. You need rewards for adhering to the rules, as well as consequences for not doing so. But aim for the rewards rather than the consequences. They should be fairly natural rewards and not monetary or material. So in that sit down and talk, ask THEM what t hey would like as rewards (make it clear - not monetary or material). Time alone is good; time allowed playing computer games is good; time watching TV is good. A family outing as a reward for getting past a certain number of days without a fight - good. And if you make it clear that BOTH boys need to stay out of fights with each other in order for either to receive rewards, they may hopefully learn to help each other stay calm instead of provoking each other. Example: little brother nagging big brother to play. Big brother says no, little bro keeps nagging. Eventually big bro snaps and hits little bro. Both boys are in the wrong - big bro for snapping, little bro for provoking. Next time - little bro hassles big bro. Big bro says, "Leave me alone, I don't want to play." Little bro may keep nagging. Big bro could remind him of what happened last time - little bro has a choice - keep nagging and cop consequences, or stop nagging and walk away and if no fights happen that day, they both get a reward. Meanwhile big bro thinks, "If I play with him for half an hour, he will stop pestering me and we will both get in mum's good books." To begin with, the boys are motivated by gain. But it shouldn't take long for conditioned response to kick in and they find ways in which to interact which are acceptable to the other. And to you. But don't forget the bucket (or jug, or glass) of cold water, thrown at them when they are physically fighting. It should stop the fight enough for you to get some sense into them. Marg [/QUOTE]
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