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Sibling Rivalry (and update on progress)
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<blockquote data-quote="svengandhi" data-source="post: 604817" data-attributes="member: 3493"><p>That doesn't sound like sibling rivalry to me. It seems like your older one sees the younger one "getting away" with things and so she tries the same things. We had that as well. If your older child is NT, you can explain to her that her brother does those things because he has difficulty coping and those are his mechanisms and that is why he isn't punished per se but is re-directed or given behavior modifications. When SHE does those things, because she is older and knows better and can control herself, she will be disciplined. It is an attention seeking behavior on her part and you need to break it by behavior modification. If she comes to you and asks to talk to you about what she wants instead of screaming, she'll get a positive reward. Explain that she may not get what she wants right away (if she wants a new toy and it's not in the budget or to stay up later on a school night or whatever) but she can earn points towards that reward. NT kids can delay gratification. If she screams and does those behaviors, she loses points. If she cares about her little brother, enlist her help to model appropriate for him instead of letting him model inappropriate behavior for her. </p><p></p><p>My suggestion would be to get a good bmod system in place and to use the basket system to prioritize. Basket A contains non-negotiable behaviors and the consequences for disregarding them - includes all safety issues. Basket B includes semi-negotiable stuff - the yelling until you get a grip on it for instance. Basket C is those things that can wait. In our house, when difficult child was young and didn't want to bathe every day, it was a C item. When he hit puberty and began to smell, it went into B. Fortunately, he began to prefer himself well-groomed so it became a non-issue eventually. HW was an A for me at the beginning, then went to C, then to B. He's now starting college after a gap year with 30 AP credits. For my easy child and babyboy, who are dyslexic, HW is still A, but difficult child is brilliant so we let it slide. He could have gotten into an Ivy with his test scores but he didn't want to do the HW and I didn't push it. Each family has its own basket needs, but A must always include safety of self and others.</p><p></p><p>True sibling rivalry is completely different. My sister and I hated each other from birth. She literally tried to kill me twice when we were teens. It was so bad I finally was allowed to have my own bedroom with locks on both sides of the door. She is a true difficult child and we have not seen each other in 20 years and probably never will again in our lifetimes. My 2 youngest, easy child and babyboy, had a sibling rivalry so bad in elementary school that the staff would have to keep them apart or they'd fight in the hall.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="svengandhi, post: 604817, member: 3493"] That doesn't sound like sibling rivalry to me. It seems like your older one sees the younger one "getting away" with things and so she tries the same things. We had that as well. If your older child is NT, you can explain to her that her brother does those things because he has difficulty coping and those are his mechanisms and that is why he isn't punished per se but is re-directed or given behavior modifications. When SHE does those things, because she is older and knows better and can control herself, she will be disciplined. It is an attention seeking behavior on her part and you need to break it by behavior modification. If she comes to you and asks to talk to you about what she wants instead of screaming, she'll get a positive reward. Explain that she may not get what she wants right away (if she wants a new toy and it's not in the budget or to stay up later on a school night or whatever) but she can earn points towards that reward. NT kids can delay gratification. If she screams and does those behaviors, she loses points. If she cares about her little brother, enlist her help to model appropriate for him instead of letting him model inappropriate behavior for her. My suggestion would be to get a good bmod system in place and to use the basket system to prioritize. Basket A contains non-negotiable behaviors and the consequences for disregarding them - includes all safety issues. Basket B includes semi-negotiable stuff - the yelling until you get a grip on it for instance. Basket C is those things that can wait. In our house, when difficult child was young and didn't want to bathe every day, it was a C item. When he hit puberty and began to smell, it went into B. Fortunately, he began to prefer himself well-groomed so it became a non-issue eventually. HW was an A for me at the beginning, then went to C, then to B. He's now starting college after a gap year with 30 AP credits. For my easy child and babyboy, who are dyslexic, HW is still A, but difficult child is brilliant so we let it slide. He could have gotten into an Ivy with his test scores but he didn't want to do the HW and I didn't push it. Each family has its own basket needs, but A must always include safety of self and others. True sibling rivalry is completely different. My sister and I hated each other from birth. She literally tried to kill me twice when we were teens. It was so bad I finally was allowed to have my own bedroom with locks on both sides of the door. She is a true difficult child and we have not seen each other in 20 years and probably never will again in our lifetimes. My 2 youngest, easy child and babyboy, had a sibling rivalry so bad in elementary school that the staff would have to keep them apart or they'd fight in the hall. [/QUOTE]
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