Siblings acting out sexually?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by MMouse, Jul 16, 2008.

  1. MMouse

    MMouse New Member

    I'll start by saying that I'm shocked, just embarrassed and disgusted. I have 2 bio children and also have adopted children from foster care. So while I was trained and had rules in place to keep this from happening to my adopted children, who have scars from their past....never in my mind did I think that my bio children would do this. They are very close in age, just a year apart. They have been taught better, and sadly we found out yesterday it's been going on for quite some time (atleast a few years). Mind you that no actual 's*x' took place between them....but still!!!

    We've contacted CPS, made a report with local authorities and have separated the children that this involves....but we couldn't get in to see a counselor until next week, and the first visit she only wants to talk to the parents!

    I've been looking this stuff up all day on the Internet, trying to find some answers as to why this would happen....but I can't. I find that sibling 'experimenting' is fairly common, but that doesn't make me feel any better, nor does it explain to me what to do and how to get over this.

    The family member that we sent our son home with says that this is just a normal (although unhealthy) thing that sadly happens in families more than most want to admit. She even hinted that maybe it had happened in her own family. I'm beside myself....I can't think straight and I don't care how much this happens in other peoples families, why did it happen in mine? Two well rounded children, who both have plenty of friends (both male and female) who have lived WONDERFUL lives and who's parents are still married and as normal as any other marriage. I just don't get it.

    I don't want to get to the therapist office and be told it is because of some disfunction, because I nursed them, because I've been to 'mothering' over the years, because I'm not spending 24/7 with them....etc, but then again I keep thinking somehow this has to be my fault, and how did I not see it?

    So anyhow, I guess I'm just wondering what the next steps should be? Where should we go from here? There are very very strict rules in place when my son does come back home, but what else can I do? This has truly just uprooted our lives and made us doubt everything about our parenting skills.
     
  2. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    You're right, it is more common than you might think, although that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

    The way it's dealt with depends on the age of the kids involved and whether it was forced or mutual. Do you have a safety plan? Have you talked to CPS yet? CPS will ask you about the safety plan. Ours included locks and alarms on bedroom doors, and a plan to make sure the two were never alone together unsupervised.

    I can understand the counselor only wanting to talk to you first. They'll want to hear what has happened and probably what to do now that you know. Then they can decide the best way to approach treatment for your kids. I understand how difficult it is - I'm there right now. I don't feel like I'm doing enough, or that things aren't moving fast enough. But, its sounds like you're doing all you can. You've contacted everyone you need to, you're starting the counseling, you're keeping them separated.

    Don't blame yourself. Really, how could you have known? You can't be around them 24/7. If the therapist tells you it's your fault, in my opinion find a new therapist who can help get to the real problem and actually help the kids. That's not to say that now that you do know, you have a responsibility to be extra-vigilant.

    I'm sorry you have to deal with this, I know how hard it can be.

    Linda
     
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome! I am so sorry for your hurting mommy heart.

    You do not mention their ages, but my first thought was that one of them had been sexually molested at one point. I think THAT is more common that anyone realizes.

    HUGS!! You have a long, hard road ahead. Stay strong - you can do this!
     
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'd say it happens far more than anyone would like to believe. But as Linda said, alot is going to depend on the ages involved, and whether or not participation was forced or coerced.

    Yes you gave your kids a good foundation and did your best to see to it that something like this wouldn't happen. No one could ask for more. You did your best.

    But more importantly, when confronted with this problem you did not poo poo it or stick your head in the sand. This sends a powerful message to all of the kids involved. You did exactly what you should have done. And honestly, that takes guts. I commend you for that.

    Also, we as parents have to remember that we aren't the only influence in our children's lives. They are exposed to people outside of immediate family on a constant basis. School, visiting friends and neighbors houses to play, ect. We can't be with them 24/7 without smothering them and stunting their normal growth and development.

    That said.........

    My eldest brother had a best friend. This best friend lived across the street. Best friend's Dad was a father/son sort o' guy and my brother, boyfriend, and the Dad did all sorts of "guy stuff" together. Brother spent the night over there all of the time. He adored boyfriend's Dad. And my mother was relieved because as a single parent she worried brother wouldn't have a good male role modle.

    My brother was 10 when he became friends with his boyfriend.

    Eldest brother molested me throughout my entire childhood. (pre kindergarden) I know he did my older sis as well, and other brother, and strongly suspect same for other sis.

    My mom never had a clue. Until at 26 he was arrested for molesting his step daughter and neice. Then it all came out. He went to prison for 3 yrs.

    Ok. Fast forward 15 yrs from that time. I've always wondered what triggered elder brother's behavior. But never could come up with an answer.

    My mom calls me in a state of shocked horror. Elder brothers childhood boyfriend and Dad were arrested. BUT guess what for? They had molested every single child and grandchild in their family. (and I wonder how many outside of it, other than elder brother) Mom couldn't figure out why I wasn't shocked.

    Well, duh. It had just clicked. I had my answer.

    Keep your mind, eyes, and ears open. Make sure you get a good well trained therapist, perferrably with plenty of experience in this area. Make sure you have a good lawyer to call in case you need to. If you need to file a police report, make sure you take a lawyer with you to do it.

    If it's sounds like I've been there done that, I have. It's horrible, but you will get thru it. Just know you're doing all the right things.

    (((hugs)))
     
  5. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Hello and welcome, you have found a wonderful place to vent, get advise and lots of support. I don't have any advise as I have never had to deal with anything like this firsthand, I just wanted to show support and send you some much needed cyber {{{HUGS}}}.

    Don't blame yourself, it is not your fault!!!! Like the other's said, you are dealing with it now. You didn't sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. You are acting responsibly, you called all the right people and are doing what you can with what you have.

    Hang in there. You will find the strength to deal with this because you love your children. As hard as it will be, you WILL get through it. Hang in there and God bless. :)
     
  6. MMouse

    MMouse New Member

    Thank you everyone. The children in question are 14 and 13, but from what we've figured out, they had a 'moment' when they were younger....maybe 8/9 that they did a 'show me yours and I'll show you mine' sort of thing. My son says that he stopped it, and prayed to God for forgiveness, my daughter was just worried about getting spanked for it...HUH? I told her this goes well past the spanking offense....that grounding and spanking was not even entering the picture and that it would take years of therapy to get past this.

    I can't imagine anyone that would have molested either one of them, but I know that my son was caught looking up Porn with his cousin, who we found out had absolutely no boundaries/limits set on his personal computer :(

    We've been very open with them about having the 'birds and bees' talk, as well as teaching them that sex and other sexually related touching...etc was designed to be between two loving adults, not between family members or children and adults....etc. We even spoke to them about things that our adopted children might have been subject to, so they'd know what to watch for, if the adopted children were to say things or do things that were inappropriate (although they are much younger than my bio children).

    Again, I'm just shocked and the picture of the whole situation just keeps playing out in my head over and over and over. We were supposed to have friends come over this weekend and stay the night....how can I ever trust my children again :(, I've had to cancel the sleepover and any other gatherings where I won't have 24/7 supervision of them.

    Oh and on a safe plan, CPS told me that they were there to help me if needed but they didn't even come out. Said that since we'd reported it and we were seeking help that they knew we had it covered and again, that they were there to help if we needed them.

    We do have door alarms though, we purchased those when we adopted our other children. I made the mistake of thinking that the older children were okay to play in their rooms...etc though during the day, because of their age. They told the detective that they did these things when I was cooking supper or doing laundry....etc. So now it's everyone in the family room with me during the day, and I guess if I go to check the mail or do laundry they all have to follow me like little ducklings as well :(

    I can't trust them to babysit, sit quietly while I use the restroom or take a calming bath....or anything!!!! And they don't even realize the extent of what they've done, this will effect us all FOREVER.
     
  7. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Um, I'm confused. Did something happen recently or did you just find out about a one time event that happened 5 years ago?
     
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I don't know that they would necessarily have to have been molested in the past. But, having been a foster myself from 14 y/o to independence, I have to say that there were some pretty shocking stories these kids came with that were discussed the same way you would discuss the weather. I think it might desensitize kids who hear them.
     
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Me too.

    But I'm going to take a stab in the dark.......

    OK. So this was between the 14 and 13 yr old, I'm guessing mutally consentual. So, was this recent........or when they were 8 or 9?

    Of course, either way....while I wouldn't condone the behavior, I'd say you're likely dealing with a curiosity situation, than anything. And if that is the case, then it is normal within limits. (I'm thinking more of the 8-9 age range here)

    I'd let therapist talk to the kids. Make sure nothing else is going on, and decide where you should take it from there.

    CPS's response doesn't surprise me. You're taking action, and you're getting other professionals involved. You were also proactive in calling them. Shows you are a good parent, love your kids, and have their best interest at heart. Nothing for CPS to investigate. You're covering the bases.

    I know this has thrown you for a loop. It would (and does) anyone. But you are doing the right things.

    A well trained therapist should be able to tell you after speaking with the kids if it's curiosity or whatever you happen to be dealing with. Odds are, if it's a case of curiosity (especially if this happened back at age 8-9) punishment isn't going to be very effective. Being proactive to prevent future opportunity would work better. Odds are you knowing has scared the living begeebies out of them enough to cure any further curiosity. Seeing the therapist will run that fact home.

    I'm sorry I forgot to welcome you to the board in my last reply. Welcome :) , you've found a great place to land.

    (((hugs)))
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    We adopted a child who viciously molested my two younger kids for three years before we found out (and, since we'd adopted him at 11 and he was so dangerous, we asked for removal).
    This experience lead to the state fortunately offering free counseling for the younger two children. They also saw a pediatrician who only sees kids who have been sexually abused. She was wonderful with my two kids, but sadly found out by checking that there had been some penetration with daughter...it is not something that kids volunteer. It's up to you, but you may want to make sure it didn't happen.

    My guess is that because your kids are so close in age CPS is not pursuing it, which in my opinion is wrong. Our adopted son was tried and found guilty of sexual assault of a minor. They took it far indeed--we didn't ask for them to do this, but they did it. Anyway, it is not uncommon for girls to be molested. One in four will be and it is usually by a family member. Boys who molest usually have been molested. You saw how it can happen right under your nose (it did with us too) and how kids don't always tell (even if you've had THAT talk about how they SHOULD tell)...but most of the molesters have been molested.

    My adopted son did not remember being molested, but obviously it had happened. The degree of the molestation was worse than we had known initially. The kids didn't really talk about it until he was gone. First it was "he did it three times." Then it slowly came out that it had started when he wasn't even a family member yet, but was just visiting. And because he threatened to kill us all, the younger kids were too afraid to tell us. I would want to make darn sure that neither child was molested outside of home--maybe in school, maybe in an activity, maybe by another relative...sadly, you just never know.
    (((Hugs))) Good luck.
     
  11. MMouse

    MMouse New Member

    I don't know, I've stopped asking and my son has been taken to a trusted family members house until we can get some more things in place, get that first counseling appointment...etc. When I ask when it started, my daughter said when she was 'little bitty' and said it was when we lived in another house, 3 years ago. But, I was in her closet trying to dig through some of my stuff that I store in there and found a pair of her undies that had some 'stuff' on them. When I questioned her, she started to cry and finally after telling her over and over that I NEEDED to know what happened she finally told me. I didn't ask them when it happened last, but we've only lived in our current house for 3 years so again...and the undies I found I purchased 2 years ago :(

    I stopped asking questions because after the first few, I was so disgusted that I just couldn't stomach anymore without having access to a counselor. I know I should be stronger, I rely a lot on my husband for that.....but the thought of it just makes me so sick.
     
  12. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    If they were 8 & 9 when it happened, and it was mutual, and they knew it was wrong and stopped, you have a lot to be optimistic about.

    I decided after a week or two of trying to figure out exactly what happened with my kids, to stop talking to them and wait for the therapists. It's going to be at least a month, because we are being investigated by DCFS, but I think any more talking by me may do more harm than good. I think there's a fine line between letting them know how serious it is and scarring them for life by making them feel "bad" or "dirty". Hopefully, the professionals will know how to handle it better than me.

    I understand your frustration trying to supervise them constantly. I can't let my son be around any other kids unsupervised. It's tiring and so much harder to get anything done. It's even harder when I wonder how long I'll have to do this and if I'll ever be able to trust him again.

    I'm not surprised by the CPS response either. We were reported by my difficult child's counselor so they were required to investigate within 24 hours. My impression is that they won't do anything more and we are just waiting to hear officially that the investigation is over. They don't have the time or resources to investigate everything, and if they see you are being proactive they put their resources elsewhere.

    I don't think it's necessarily that the child was molested before or even that they were looking at porn that "caused" this. Sex is everywhere in society - I know of two kids who were caught at 5 or 6 mimicking "being in bed," which they saw on the Simpsons. It's something that probably will be investigated further by the therapists, but not something you should worry about at this point, in my opinion.

    This is such a hard thing to deal with, probably the hardest things I've gone through as an adult. So many mixed emotions, so much confusion and so much unknown. Hang in there and know that you're not alone.

    Linda
     
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    MMouse, there is a big difference between two kids expressing curiosity in a mutual fashion, and a child who is forced or coerced into sexual activity by either another child or an adult.

    Children exploring and being curious about one another - this is so normal as to be common. When it's mutual, there generally is no lasting damage, either.

    When coercion is involved, even if no actual sex takes place, then you have a situation of inequitable power and the likelihood of long-term damage, even if what actually happened was not "all the way" or even close. Sexual assault is a crime of violence rather than primarily a sexual act.

    Children WILL be curious about sex and sexuality. Even if you teach them absolutely nothing, they will almost instinctively work things out. In fact, if you DO fail to teach them (as you did not) their attempts to "work out how everything works" can lead to a lot more trouble. But you are very definite that you took care of that angle. I only mention it, because my mother did not. I was kept in TOTAL ignorance about the facts of life, with the result that I was moderately active in discussing things with very close friends as well as the "let's show each other" stuff. By the time I was 14 and a 10 year old friend told me "the facts of life" I thought she was making it up, it sounded too far-fetched!

    I don't know exactly what your kids did. From what you have told us, something has been going on since they were 8 and 9, and they are now 14 & 13. It doesn't involve the sexual act, specifically. So I can assume it also doesn't involve oral sex? Because despite what certain ex-Presidents and a lot of teens seem to think, that IS still qualifying as a sexual act.

    if this was a once-off, back a few years ago, AND if there was no coercion involved (merely curiosity) AND if it stopped ages ago - then I think you are in danger of causing far more harm by getting upset about it now.

    If, on the other hand, some level of sexual experimentation (short of actual sex) has been continuing, AND it's mutual, then again, it needs to be handled sensitively to avoid causing damage now, by a massive over-reaction.

    If at any stage force or coercion was involved, then this needs to be sorted so the children BOTH know that it's not OK to force anyone to do anything (sexual or otherwise) that they feel uncomfortable about. This can then become a useful teaching tool - "hey, kids, you know that nasty feeling in the pit of your stomach that says this is not right? Learn to recognise it and listen to it because when you hit your teens and you're dealing with other teens who are less caring about what is right and wrong, then YOUR conscience can have more chance of protecting you."

    Children are sexual creatures. Who here (of the parents of boys) HASN'T at some stage had to deal with the greasy hand stains on the front of their trousers, when they were about 2 years old? (In our family, we were still dealing with this when the boys were 7 and 8). It feels good, it reassures them, it is a very hard habit to break. [For the record - a bar of damp soap, rubbed across the stains before the garment is put into the wash, has a good chance of shifting those stains).]
    Children are also innocent. It is our job to teach them what is appropriate, as they get older.

    While there are cases of children who are also sexual predators, and unfortunately we've seen too many here (although ONE is too many), it is far more common to find that children who play like this often are just curious. Of course it needs to be directed, with curiosity perhaps satisfied in more appropriate ways.

    I grew up a child in a household of (mostly female) adults. A good friend of mine when we were very little, had two older brothers. I remember sharing a bath with all of us in together, and being fascinated at what those boys could do with that curious little appendage. For quite a while after that I wanted to be a boy, so I too could "water the garden" and especially so I didn't have to laboriously undress every time I had to use the toilet. Boys could get the job done much more quickly and get back out to play, it just wasn't fair. It may have been that very young exposure that led my mother to shelter me afterwards, so extremely.

    MMouse, I hope you can resolve what has happened and help the kids move beyond this.

    And about the porn - boys WILL do this. It also depends on what level of porn. There is some ghastly, graphic and damaging stuff out there as well as images that have been so thoroughly whitewashed and air-brushed as to bear little resemblance to the original person photographed.
    Boys looking at porn - it's almost a rite of passage. I suspect the cousin was probably the one sharing his access. If the cousin is younger then it was his way of 'big-noting' himself ("See - I can view this any time I want, I'm not such a little kid after all"). If he was older then it was probably done in a spirit of misguided brotherly indoctrination - "Us menfolk gotta educate one another."

    I knew difficult child 1 was looking at porn (hard copy; a younger neighbourhood boy was swiping big brother's porn magazines and selling them to difficult child 1) when I found the stuff in his schoolbag.
    The way I handed it was a bit different but VERY effective - I sat him down with me at the computer and together we researched the topic, "Dead Porn Stars". The moral of the lesson - porn exploits the people who work in the industry. Nobody is untouched by it. People die.
    We discussed the various causes of why people died, what they had originally hoped to gain by being involved in porn, and how their dreams had been destroyed by the business. I asked him how he would feel if I had posed for porn in my younger days, and he was browsing online one day and found himself ogling a picture which turned out to be me - how would he feel? How would he feel if his grandmother had done it?
    [please note - I didn't, and neither did mother in law or my mother].
    He got the message - the images he was looking at represented someone's sister, someone's daughter, someone's sweet innocent child trying to make a living.

    For a teenage boy, having your father do this is far less embarrassing than having your mother give you a guided tour of the seamy side of online porn. I don't think he's ever looked at it again. husband & I have a secret software package which gives us the history of all sites looked at, and we can account for all of it.

    But this is something that boys will do (unfortunately).

    I teach a volunteer chess class at the local primary school. This is for kids aged 5 to 11. They have computers in the classrooms with internet connections. The school has Net Nanny program which I have seen these kids beat. One day I was teaching, and I saw the boys going through the classroom computer files. The Internet was not on at the time so what the boys were looking at was stuff they had already downloaded earlier.
    What I saw was NOT nice, but the boys all thought this was funny. I did not react other than to say that we were there to play chess and not to look at people's files. Most of what the kids had downloaded was trashy toilet humour but there was enough smattering of gratuitous nudity to tell me they had probably seen far more (and just not thought it funny enough to download).
    We all went back to playing chess - and next opportunity I had, I dobbed them all in. The principal said, "No, our kids can't access porn online because our software system locks it out."
    I told him to go look on the computers and check through the student files. I said, "These kids are more computer-savvy than you're giving credit. They can beat your system, and have done so. They are now sharing porn files amongst themselves".

    These kids were no older than 11, remember. Some were younger than 10 years old.

    The school cleaned up its computer systems.

    The thing is, boys will do this, if only to say that they can. It does not mean your child is about to turn into a sexual predator.

    The trouble is, as soon as a kid starts surfing for porn online, they risk so many things in terms of their own safety. Plus there's the really strong stuff - I wouldn't want ANY child of mine, not even the adult ones, to see this stuff. I hate to think what it would do emotionally to a ten year old who stumbled on it. Probably put him off sex for life. It is so bad I won't even describe it here. The only reason I've seen anything like this, is because we went through a phase of being sent (unasked for) catalogues from a business selling porn videos of such a sleazy nature that even in the freest and easiest Aussie states, they were illegal. husband & I dobbed the business into the Vice Squad. And I would love to get my hands on the ratbag who thought it would be funny, to put husband's & my names down on the business's mailing list to receive this muck.

    You cancelled sleepovers until this is sorted - I think that is a really effective natural consequence. You're not the ogre here, it's the lack of trust. In a lot of ways it sounds like the kids have just been relegated back to pre-teen levels of trust and responsibility, until you feel you know them again.

    Marg
     
  14. MMouse

    MMouse New Member

    Thank you Marguerite. I still just so mad....I do bible study with these kids every weekday, we had a VERY open relationship and I've always put so much trust in them. While they say there was no actual sex involved, I'm so worried about that aspect. I mean, what if it was oral? What if it was anal? Again....I'm just so worried about what is going to come out. I can't sleep because everytime I shut my eyes I see my babies doing things and lying to me for YEARS about it. I can remember going to their rooms to hand them clean laundry...etc and they'd be playing together (which was an odd occurance) and I would just think "GREAT, they're actually getting along today".....now all I can think about is that they had just enough time to pull up pants and 'look' like they were playing as I came down the hallway.

    I go from feeling so sad I can't stop crying to so mad that I want to punch something. My husband is doing so much better, and he seems to keep a lot of it bottled up.....even though he did cry, a lot, when I told him what I'd found out. And that was very hard to take.

    My son phoned and acted as if nothing is wrong. Said he was thinking about it less and asked why his sister was in her room.....HUH? I mean I guess it's good that the family member he's with isn't making him feel guilty or dirty...but he's having a grand old time, playing games and eating out...etc. I guess that P's me off more than anything as I am ripped in two and can't even sleep....but he's just fine, doesn't even realize that he's broken his mother's heart and did things to his sister that he'll never forget. Torn our house apart, changed the way we'll have to monitor them the rest of the time he's in this house, changed my freedom level....since now I'm tied to being the warden all day and can't even go out and spend time in the garden without having all the children follow along.

    I really pray that it turns out to be more experimental, once or twice thing....but I'm really worried that I'm going to find out something more in those therapy sessions. I just can't believe this even happened :(

    Thanks again for all the support...this board has truly been a lifesaver!!!
     
  15. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Hang in there, MMouse. And I seriously suggest you and husband get yourself some therapy through this, to help you both cope as well. You need to be able to talk to each other (about all sorts of things, not just the difficult issues) and the sooner you get yourselves some therapy, the quicker you can get through it all.

    Although you are deeply immersed in your faith and your church, I would suggest you find a therapist from outside this. A number of reasons - I think you might feel a bit more secure with someone who is not form the same circle. And it would also be easier for the therapist, if it's not someone you deal with in other areas of your life as well. If you need to get angry with a therapist, for example, it's easier to express it to someone who you don't have to face the next Sunday over a church pot-luck supper.

    I'm speaking from experience here - my PTSD (not sure if it's still in my sig) was connected to a local natural disaster which affected a lot of people in our small area. I desperately needed therapy and at first I asked among friends at church who were also therapists. A group of these people actually did band together and provided therapy for the whole community. But the bloke who helped the most was someone who lived outside our community and our church. With the others - one felt overwhelmed with my burdens because although she was willing to help, because she knew me personally she found the weight of my problems too hard to put down at the end of the session. And another therapist was worse than no help - she told me to go pray about it. I mean, prayer is great but surely she would have realised I had already tried it? And a lot more? I still see this person around, but we are no longer close friends, because I felt she was just too out of touch not only with what I needed from her as a therapist, but also with what I needed from her as a friend.
    I realise now that she was actually protecting herself from the emotional burden of a friend's problems, but she should have just said, "I can't cope, see someone else," instead of making me feel like my problems were insignificant.

    So go find someone you can see, to help you deal with this so you can get some sleep. You need your sleep and your strength, to help you work through this.

    Marg
     
  16. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    in my opinion I think it's fine that your son is having an OK time and not dwelling on it. I sent my son away for a week to stay with my sister and he had a great time. He knows how serious it is because of the safety plan, the alarm on his door, etc., and the people he's had to talk to so far into the investigation. But kids don't dwell on things the way we do. I think it would be detrimental to have them be as miserable about it as we parents are (and believe me, I AM miserable right now and haven't been able to think about much else in the last few weeks). The counselors will be able to help him work out how serious it is, and they will know the best way to handle it.

    I've tried to let my kids think that life is as normal as it was before, despite the fact that these new rules have taken effect. I believe that we caught my son and daughter the first time anything has happened. I'm scared to death that I will find out there is more involved, because I know how it will effect the rest of their lives (I'm a survivor myself). I stay up at night worrying about what I'm doing and not doing, still in shock about the whole situation and reliving it in my mind over and over again.
    But I try really hard to not worry about what may have happened, because it doesn't do anybody any good. I'm prepared to find out more when they go to counseling if it plays out that way, but until then I have enough to worry about with what I do know.

    You have to keep telling yourself it was not your fault. From your posts here I am confident you did everything a parent is expected to do and more but it still happened. My kids were in the pool, and I was watching them from the window about 10 feet away. I was looking at them for at least a minute when it was going on, and I didn't know it. I thought they were just talking. It wasn't until my son saw me looking at him, the look on his face and the way her pushed her away from him told me something was not right. How could I have NOT have known, I was looking at them?? Well, I didn't know, because that's the last thing I would suspect and it looked like they were talking. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't your fault either. Keep repeating it to yourself.

    Marg is right about going to counseling for you. I can't afford it right now, so I'm trying to deal as best I can, and it is so hard. difficult child's counselor is free, so I asked her if she can talk to me and thankfully we are meeting today. Not the best situation since we already know each other pretty well in the capacity of helping my son, but the only one I can work out, because I have to talk with someone who is not so emotionally involved or I'll keep sinking and then what good will I be?

    Stay strong.

    Linda
     
  17. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So, your daughter is being punished to her room? While your son is at a relative's house and doing fun stuff?

    If that is the case, I would remove that punishment right now. I am not even sure what, if any, punishment you can dole out that is appropriate. I would leave it all up to the therapists. Let them tell you how to deal with it.
     
  18. MMouse

    MMouse New Member

    She's in her room, not locked in and not in her bed. She's watching movies, playing her PS2 and all her toys are still in there as well. She shares a room with her little sister, so we've moved her bed out in to another room and all of my 'little' ones stay in the family room with me until I can figure this out and have a better safety plan in place.

    I would hate to think that they did anything to their little sisters or brothers, but I can't just assume that it didn't happen and right now I'm having a hard time covering up my feelings so I figured it was best for her to be in her room and not in the family room with me feeling awkward.

    I'm so irritated that the family my son went home with isn't taking it more serious. He may have been molested in the past, and we don't know by whom if that did indeed happen. She's just letting him be around everyone he was before, even the cousin that shared the porn experience with him.....so again, I'm just kind of peeved!!!! I'm sorry....I do feel bad for being angry at this situation, but at the same time I don't think that doing these things with your sibling deserve eating out, playing games with your cousins and running about town just doing whatever.

    I am really trying to just wait and let the therapist take care of it, but the family that took him is really really overbearing and she's already snubbed me for even calling and reporting it!!! Now she's saying that she'll raise him if she has to, and that no one is taking him away.....so you see, I'm dealing with a family member that is already wearing blinders in the situation.....and thinking that it's as easy as just saying you're going to take my son and raise him? Sorry, not an option!!! But of course after all the movies, pizza and someone just ignoring what you've done...heck I'd want to live there too.
     
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think you need to take them to a specialist in sexual abuse issues. They are much better with the kids. You really need to know the entire story, including if the younger kids were involved. I would not trust such a sensitive issue to just a regular therapist--I'd want one who deals with this issue all the time.
    (((Hugs)))
     
  20. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    But, is she in her room because she wants to be in her room, or because she has been told to go to her room?

    If she's crying and he's having a great time, it sounds more like she should be the one who is being assured that she has nothing to feel bad or guilty about.

    in my humble opinion, it might be better if everyone walked away from it as best as possible until the therapist is seen. And your daughter should be welcomed back into daily life. If she has been sent to her room, she may feel that she should lie about what happened for what reason and for how long because she doesn't want to be punished anymore.
     
Loading...