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<blockquote data-quote="janebrain" data-source="post: 390961" data-attributes="member: 3208"><p>Toughlovin,</p><p>yes, our situations are very similar! When E came back from her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) M saw almost immediately that she hadn't really changed. My husband and I didn't catch on for several months. Also, M was 2 years behind E in school and was very embarrassed by her sister's behavior. Kids would make comments to her about E and also they look a lot alike so kids she didn't even know would ask if she was M's sister because of the similarity in looks. They would assume she'd want to buy drugs--first question they would ask!</p><p></p><p>We did kick E out when she was 18 and the main reason was because I had decided that M, who was 15, needed to come first and it was unhealthy for her to live with E. M's therapist said she was unable to make progress with E living in our house. She did not feel safe. It felt good to me to be able to tell M that she came first with us now and that she did not have to worry about E coming back to live with us, it would not be happening (E had been in and out for several months).</p><p></p><p>I also stepped out of their relationship and have stayed out. I felt it was up to M whether she wanted to try to have a relationship with E and now, 4 years later, they are reconnecting in a healthy way. I am proud of M because she was able to set boundaries with E and let her know that E was encroaching. I am proud of E because she listened to what M said and respected her wishes. She also has taken responsibility for her part in their unhealthy relationship and has told M she is sorry.</p><p></p><p>I think you are right--it is not good for any of you to have him come home. And he will definitely have to change in order to repair the relationship. Don't give up hope though. I found that accepting my difficult child for who she was gave me a great deal of peace. I hoped for change but didn't run my own life based on that. I guess I just went on with my life.</p><p></p><p>Oh, E also had damaged her relationship with her older brother, C. Her boyfriend forged some of C's checks, stole money from him, etc. E knew but closed her eyes to it. C tried to get her to leave the boyfriend but she wouldn't go with him. They have now repaired their relationship. She told me she was afraid C would hold a grudge against her forever but I knew he wouldn't. He understood the whole dynamic of her relationship with her boyfriend and saw personally how he totally controlled her. </p><p></p><p>Anyway, I think you are doing a good job! You are realistic about the situation, but don't project into the future--you just never know!</p><p>Hugs,</p><p>Jane</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="janebrain, post: 390961, member: 3208"] Toughlovin, yes, our situations are very similar! When E came back from her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) M saw almost immediately that she hadn't really changed. My husband and I didn't catch on for several months. Also, M was 2 years behind E in school and was very embarrassed by her sister's behavior. Kids would make comments to her about E and also they look a lot alike so kids she didn't even know would ask if she was M's sister because of the similarity in looks. They would assume she'd want to buy drugs--first question they would ask! We did kick E out when she was 18 and the main reason was because I had decided that M, who was 15, needed to come first and it was unhealthy for her to live with E. M's therapist said she was unable to make progress with E living in our house. She did not feel safe. It felt good to me to be able to tell M that she came first with us now and that she did not have to worry about E coming back to live with us, it would not be happening (E had been in and out for several months). I also stepped out of their relationship and have stayed out. I felt it was up to M whether she wanted to try to have a relationship with E and now, 4 years later, they are reconnecting in a healthy way. I am proud of M because she was able to set boundaries with E and let her know that E was encroaching. I am proud of E because she listened to what M said and respected her wishes. She also has taken responsibility for her part in their unhealthy relationship and has told M she is sorry. I think you are right--it is not good for any of you to have him come home. And he will definitely have to change in order to repair the relationship. Don't give up hope though. I found that accepting my difficult child for who she was gave me a great deal of peace. I hoped for change but didn't run my own life based on that. I guess I just went on with my life. Oh, E also had damaged her relationship with her older brother, C. Her boyfriend forged some of C's checks, stole money from him, etc. E knew but closed her eyes to it. C tried to get her to leave the boyfriend but she wouldn't go with him. They have now repaired their relationship. She told me she was afraid C would hold a grudge against her forever but I knew he wouldn't. He understood the whole dynamic of her relationship with her boyfriend and saw personally how he totally controlled her. Anyway, I think you are doing a good job! You are realistic about the situation, but don't project into the future--you just never know! Hugs, Jane [/QUOTE]
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