sick of people 'helping'

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ready2run, Jul 7, 2011.

  1. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    it seems like alot of people think they need to step in and help when their help isn't welcomed or warranted. i can give a thousand examples, from the lady who told difficult child I wouldn't buy him lunch if he didn't sit quiet to the lunch lady who complains that difficult child doesn't eat his school lunch because we pack things he doesn't like(duh, he doesn't like anything most of the time). now we have the psychiatrist 'helping' us. so we had an appointment for something that i deemed urgent like a month ago at least. she cancels and reschedules to this week. i was annoyed but dealt with it. so monday her office calls a reminder call that the appointment is today, i said oh, thought it was tuesday. nope, thursday, they say. so today we get a knock at the door from CAS because we apparently 'refused to seek medical help' for difficult child, ie. we missed our appointment on tuesday. she apparently told them it was urgent, but how urgent could it be if she put it off all this time? f'n people. so now CAS says we HAVE TO take him in to see her next week as she reschedualed our appointment with them instead of us, didn't bother to call us and see why we missed our appointment or anything. 'she's trying to help him' says CAS. really? where was she when we needed her help last month? i'm so sick of people trying to 'help us' when they are really just causing more problems. i don't even know how i'm supposed to be pleasant to her next week. she knew our CAS file from difficult child just got closed. now i am being forced to see her when i don't trust her. am i supposed to ask her for a referal to a different psychiatrist to replace her? Stuff like this makes me feel like handing over difficult child to the CAS and saying "Take him, and you deal with this yourself."
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    I know exactly what you're talking about.

    More :hugs:
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, I so agree. Many times the "services" are worse than not having any. I loathe CPS and never asked for their help because I didn't want strangers judging me, telling me how to raise my son, or threatening us.

    You have my empathy.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    How long a list of examples do you want...???
    No point moving to "this" part of Canada... its the same here!

    And if they aren't "helping" (interpretation: working against the parents), they are "blaming the parents" (interpretation: not doing what THEY want the parents to do about the situation).

    I'm going to shut up now - before this becomes a major flame job!!!
  5. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Sigh...this part of Canada too. I'm sorry that you're being roughed up by "the system". Not fun.
  6. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    :hangin:Heck, why NOT ask for a referral to a more suitable and RELIABLE psychiatrist (or one with appointment setters that know what they're doing at any rate!).
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    She's in "northern Ontario"... that's a fairly big area, but some parts are very isolated. So, depending on exactly where she is, she may be lucky that there is a psychiatrist at all. (Worst case, think in terms of the middle of Wyoming.)
    Plus, this is Canada. I'm not as familiar with Ontario's particular flavor of health care (every prov. is different), but I know that most places, you don't have much choice in who you go to - you get whoever the system decides they want to send you to.

    Those who live in heavily-populated areas (Toronto, Calgary, etc.) can get private psychiatrist/therapist services... IF you have the means to pay for it - in which case, you have more say in the matter. And IF you can find one who is really good AND who takes private patients...

    ready2run: I'm with ya... its part of why I'm "insane".
  8. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Thanks for the clarification. I took the wording to mean she would just need a referral or the advice of a professional on what other pro would be best suited.
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    HaoZi - sorry, didn't mean to get 'sharp' there...

    Yes, you are right, she can get from one psychiatrist to another psychiatrist (or other services) based on a referral - but if they aren't cooperating in the first place, that isn't likely to happen (at least in our experience).
    A referral from family doctor can also get them into alternative resources... IF they are available. More often, it really helps to get a multi-layer referal (example: existing psychiatrist tells family doctor that psychiatrist isn't really the right resource but would recommend that they be referred to service X or professional Y - family doctor then does referral, but passes along the psychiatrist's opinion... )

    Not having heard back from ready2run yet, all ideas are still on the table... Biggest question is, what kinds of resources does she have access to?
  10. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    hey. where we are it is pretty isolated. there is another psychiatrist we could see, that we used to see before but he only comes up once every two months for a week. he seems to be more thourough with the testing as he is the one who ordered mri's and cat scan for difficult child when we first got him. we moved to this psychiatrist because she is supposed to be better and we could access her more easily at the time although that is not true anymore. i just don't want to be involved with her anymore because of her calling on me, that scares me. she should have spoken to me, i have been mostly co-operative with her other than one issue, which is my choice. i think i will see if i can get fit in with the pediatritian and get him to deal with it and exclude psychiatrist all together.
    the thing that really is upsetting me is that i just got rid of CAS. it took me 5 years to get them to go away. and now, i have to start the whole investigation process over again from step 1, which is invasive and takes forever, and have a whole new person coming around sticking their nose in my buisness.... **stress** it's not helpful. i already have an anxiety problem and stess piled up from having difficult child, and two other kids that need extra attention plus a baby. the last thing i need is someone coming in telling me how to do my job and double checking everything i do just waiting for me to mess up. i wish i could just not answer the door.
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Aaaargh! So sorry.
  12. zoo_keeper

    zoo_keeper Member

    All I can say is wow. How unprofessional! And then to jump to CPS without even calling you. wow. I don't think I could continue with this psychiatrist.
    Because of the limited amount of psychiatrists in your area, I would send a strongly worded email to her explaing the situation she dealt you and expressing your dissapointment. Personally mine would be along the lines of, "I have always been a dedicated advocate for my son's mental health and I am insulted that CPS is unnecessarily involved in our family due to you and your staff's lack of organization and professionalism." Let her address the email and see if you can move on. I'm not sure if I could but I would be leary of a regular pediatrician running medication trials with such a young boy. (He/she may be an excellent dr but may not have the required experience and adverse medication reactions can set you back months).
    This whole situation burns me up. Agencies like CPS run around in circles with their heads up their butt dealing with issues like this ignoring the truly neglected children. You wonder why local governments are broke! Jeez...
    I would be spinning if I were in your shoes. Good luck.
  13. cmfout

    cmfout Guest

    I can relate! 8 years ago, my son had a pretty nasty asthma attack. The ER told me to call his regular doctor the next day to schedule a follow up. I did - it was scheduled for 4 or 5 days later. 2 days after the asthma attack CPS (our name for CAS) showed up and took custody of my son. Why? Because I didn't TAKE HIM IN for a follow up the next day! 7 years of fighting before I was able to get my son back.
    Good luck! I'd switch docs asap if I were you!
  14. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    i know what you mean. i only have shared custody of my oldest because of them, so she is with my parents during the week and me on weekends/holidays. they deamed her 'at risk' because she was hiding under tables and barking at people, she bit the principle when he pulled her out from under the table and was hitting other kids. they assumed that these behaviours meant she was abused or neglected. i was blamed for all her problems. then she was placed with my parents and after a few months it went from 'what did you do to her' to 'something is wrong with her'. turns out (as i said) i hadn't abused her, she's autistic.... she was 4 when they took her and i could not get her back until i had proof that it was a medical problem not caused by me and by the time she got her diagnosis at 9 it was too late to get her back. the judge said it would 'cause further unnecessary trauma'. the CAS also tried to say i wasn't co-operating because they told me i had to attend a parenting seminar held by them and they would send me the info and never bothered to send it. i just want them to go away. i know there are cases when they actually do help kids out but they have done nothing but cause me grief and make things difficult for me.
  15. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

  16. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

  17. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Can you also keep CAS in the loop fully and say that you were already frustrated at the doctor for putting you off constantly; that the chopping and changing meant your diary looked like a mess with crossing out everywhere and that is how you missed ONE appointment. I would also ask them if they can recommend a doctor who will KEEP appointments and who will also communicate with you more effectively.

    We had to go down this route for a while; I was really angry that the authorities got called on us and I felt ambushed, set up for failure. I found the best way to handle them was to call them direct and say, "Okay, we need services and we need help for this kid. Please help us get it." In our case, they eventually dropped the case when it was clear I was chasing them for services rather than the other way around. And they also pointed us in a useful direction, short-cutting some assessments we'd been on the waiting list for, and getting put off for.

    The initial accusations were upsetting, but I dealt with them by saying, "If you're right, we need your help. If you're wrong, we STILL needs your help. So help us!"

    As for the doctor - it COULD be a misunderstanding, a communication problem due to office staff not passing messages on or blaming you for their inefficiencies. But even so - time to move on when the system allows you to.

    I found that oncer we got past the Catch 22 rubbish of blaming the mother, I was able to really talk to the child protection people and ask for their advice on what to do next, who to see and how to find a doctor we trusted who they also valued. Focussing on involving them in consultation as part of my child's health care team put us both on the same side, even if they were trying to take an adversarial position. I do the same thing with schools - "We have the same aim, the best outcome for this child."

    Find the common ground and begin there. Because you had already got them out of your hair, there is history there of the case being closed. So it should be faster this time.

    Fingers crossed!

  18. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    yeah, that's how i got them to go away the first time. i had to invite them to all his school meetings and they wanted to tag along to any important doctors appointments and evaluations. i told them right away that i thought it was strange that the doctor phoned them instead of talking to me when they told us the wrong date for the appointment so how could we go? i also told them, which may not have been smart, that it was going to be hard to work with that doctor now because i didn't think i could trust her if she's going to make reports about me for stuff like that, and the worker agreed she would not be too happy if someone called on her for a missed appointment. hopefully they don't stick around tooo long.
  19. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I was thinking like Marg - Show them my Day Timer all crossed out and hacked up and say - THESE are the appointments YOU set up for ME/US and while I'm not sure how ACCOMODATING YOUR schedule can be at a moments notice I think I've been adaquately flexible to meet YOUR changes, more so than most parents.

    As far as solving this problem? There is a solution. I have done it - and it works - trust this.

    Write a letter to the doctor and tell them IN a certified letter - With return receipt --------

    Do to the lack of adaquate notice on your recent schedule changes which have caused my family great confict and hardship it will be necessary for us to now REQUIRE your office to call 24 hours in advance and follow up with a written letter to the same (for my records) of ALL SCHEDULE CHANGES. Calls may ONLY be made to my personal phone #XXX-XXX-XXXX and may NOT be left on voice mail. Cancellations and changes must be confirmed with me VERBALLY.

    Yeah that? Cut down THEIR office changing OUR appointments to ZERO. Okay - one, and when I did not get the follow up letter? I asked for it ===referred to my letter and it came in the mail and THEN There were ZERO cancellations or changes. THis was with mental health. Our regular therapist? Meh ----whatever. lol
  20. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Copy that letter to the welfare people too. Also include a scanned copy of your messed up diary pages if you really want the colourful touch...

    Of course the doctor's office won't like you. But so far have they shown themselves to be friendly?

    Play ball - advantage receiver...