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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 618122" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>I will not tell you not to feel guilty, because you will anyhow. When something like that happens to our children under our watch, we will feel guilty. There is not going around it. But in the end we have to learn to forgive ourselves or simply live with that guilt. And it doesn't matter how guilty we feel, or what has happened in the past, now is now and you have to deal with situation in your hands.</p><p></p><p>And your situation is, that your son is making poor decisions that are making his life even worse. You can't make better decisions for him. He has to do them himself. He has to want the help and be willing to work to make his life better. Yes, life has screwed him over big time. But it is an only life he has and no one can help him, if he is not willing to accept help. And right now it seems he isn't. Only thing left for you to do is damage control and try to limit the damage his current poor choices are causing the rest of the family. It is harsh, but it is what it is.</p><p></p><p>Something that bad happening to our children in the situation we have put them, and us not seeing it, understanding it, being able to help or rescue them, is the worst nightmare. And usually they are not able to tell or ask help, especially the boys. And if and when it comes out later, it leaves us so totally floored that easiest would be to deny it ever happen, deny the guilt, pretend it is something they just made up to make us feel bad. But that is not healthy to anyone. We often demand our kids to own up their choices and consequences of those choices and I do think it is healthy for us to do the same. And helps us recover from that guilt. It doesn't mean you should enable your son's current bad choices, but telling him, that despite trying to make right choices, you really messed up in believing those workers and trusting him to their hands and for that you are so sorry. But you can't redo the past. You can't make it better, it is what it is, and you all have to live with it. You may be able to help him find resources to help him cope with it, but he has to want it and he has to work for it. It is his life.</p><p></p><p>In my family we are still on the beginning in dealing with similar kind of guilt. I don't know how I and my husband will learn to live with it during the years and decades to come. But I'm quite sure that trying to hide from it, would not be healthy for us nor to anyone else.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 618122, member: 14557"] I will not tell you not to feel guilty, because you will anyhow. When something like that happens to our children under our watch, we will feel guilty. There is not going around it. But in the end we have to learn to forgive ourselves or simply live with that guilt. And it doesn't matter how guilty we feel, or what has happened in the past, now is now and you have to deal with situation in your hands. And your situation is, that your son is making poor decisions that are making his life even worse. You can't make better decisions for him. He has to do them himself. He has to want the help and be willing to work to make his life better. Yes, life has screwed him over big time. But it is an only life he has and no one can help him, if he is not willing to accept help. And right now it seems he isn't. Only thing left for you to do is damage control and try to limit the damage his current poor choices are causing the rest of the family. It is harsh, but it is what it is. Something that bad happening to our children in the situation we have put them, and us not seeing it, understanding it, being able to help or rescue them, is the worst nightmare. And usually they are not able to tell or ask help, especially the boys. And if and when it comes out later, it leaves us so totally floored that easiest would be to deny it ever happen, deny the guilt, pretend it is something they just made up to make us feel bad. But that is not healthy to anyone. We often demand our kids to own up their choices and consequences of those choices and I do think it is healthy for us to do the same. And helps us recover from that guilt. It doesn't mean you should enable your son's current bad choices, but telling him, that despite trying to make right choices, you really messed up in believing those workers and trusting him to their hands and for that you are so sorry. But you can't redo the past. You can't make it better, it is what it is, and you all have to live with it. You may be able to help him find resources to help him cope with it, but he has to want it and he has to work for it. It is his life. In my family we are still on the beginning in dealing with similar kind of guilt. I don't know how I and my husband will learn to live with it during the years and decades to come. But I'm quite sure that trying to hide from it, would not be healthy for us nor to anyone else. [/QUOTE]
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