Sigh.....difficult child is not good again

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by welcometowitsend, Dec 14, 2012.

  1. difficult child skipped all but 4 classes this week. I got his attendance report for the last 10 weeks today - he has missed 1/3 of his classes. He is going to fail one class for sure.

    The room he was supposed to rent has fallen through because the landlord found out he really can't afford it for more than about 3 or 4 months (which would have gotten him through to warmer weather). He was looking at another apartment to share with a couple- they backed out on him.

    2 nights ago he left his friends place at 2:30am - left a note saying he no longer wanted to be a burden to them and spent the rest of the night in a fast food restaurant - the same one he works at. So he's been staying at this fast food place since Wednesday.

    I tried to talk him into going back to his friends place but I don't think he wants to go or feels unwelcome. He refuses to go back to the homeless shelter and has stated that he does not want to come home. His FB status says he is tired of the bs., frustrated, feels like he's been swallowed up by an ocean. Sigh.

    husband and I stopped by and saw his friend (the one he was staying with ) and asked him what was going on - that's how I found out because difficult child was vague about the whole thing. Then we stopped by the fastfood place to see him and he was hanging out with some friends. He looked like he hadn't showered in a week, greasy hair, unshaven, tired.

    So hard to see. husband and I tried to talk to him again about going back to his friends place. We also told him that if he was willing to follow a few rules that he was welcome to come home. No shame, no humiliation, no judgment - it's tough to live on your own. He doesn't want to come home because he says we get along better when we have distance between us - which is very true but what he doesn't see is that we could get along well if he'd behave responsibly and respectfully at home like he does when he is on his own. I also tried to gently express my concern about his mental state and whether or not he was ok. He said he wasn't suicidal but I'm wondering how rationally he is thinking - it's so hard to tell what's what because of all the lies.

    So I gave him a hug and he hugged me back and did not let go for a very long time. I told him I loved him and asked him to think about what he wants to do. I did my best but my heart is torn up.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Nothing to say, but sending {{hugs}}
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Its really hard isnt it to have to make all these decisions.

    Tony and I were sitting in the line at the bank yesterday talking about how sick Cory looks and how worried we have been about him because in the last few years he dropped weight like a stone. No it wast drugs. It was just strange. No child of ours should be that small. He looks like a skeleton. We are both worried we are going to lose him very young. Tony actually said for the first time ever that he had thought about whether we should have taken the doctor's advice and aborted him and gone on to have another child a little bit later. But we told the doctor we would take our chances and deal with whatever God gave us. We had always felt when he was small that we had beat the odds because he didnt really have much in the way of issues other than a few orthopedic problems. These things got worse as he got older and then the mental health stuff kicked in. I think there may be more going on but just have no clue what it could be and I dont know if he wants to know. He eats normal meals but cant put on weight to save his life.
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Adding my prayers for difficult child and hugs for you and H.
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Sending prayers for him to find shelter and safety. For you.....peace and comfort. I'm glad he has his job and you know he can eat there......poor guy.
  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) you gave him an out. Perhaps it will stick in the back of his mind and he will think about it as it starts to look more dismal out in the real world.
  7. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you have to worry like this. Especially in Christmas time and just before you are off for Christmas.

    I don't want to sound cruel, but when he is still stubborn enough to resist all his good options, he isn't suffering too terribly. And yeah, I know they can be incredibly, insufferably, insanely stubborn (remember my boy just few days ago deciding to jump up and down stairs for two and half hours rather than picking a trash out from floor, full well knowing he would be jumping until he would give in.) His workplace will likely soon ban him from spending time in there outside his sifts. That is when he has to choose what he is going to do. And as much as it hurts you and him, it seems that he needs to experience that back wall (that I talked in the same post that stairs jumping, it is the concept in our culture, that some people just need to find that back wall they can not get through or around before they change direction and correct themselves. In our country there are two very last back walls, other is the secure wing in the most secure prison we have and other one is the secure wing in the mental institution for criminally insane and no-criminal mentally ill who are very challenging (and violent) to treat. Most people find their back wall long before that. i hope, that when this situation develops, it will be your son's back wall.)

    i can only imagine how much it hurts for you to see him like that. But he has so much strengths, he will pull through this. Even though it will hurt both him and you.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Geez WTW, I'm sorry, that stuff is so hard on us Mom's. I have a grown up difficult child who has just about all the same ways of seeing the world as your difficult child does, through some odd maze of being free against all odds and bending her life around to keep that freedom at all costs. I can't assume to know what your boy is thinking, with my difficult child it's as if the rules and lines within most of us live are so abhorrent to her that she will risk anything to be free of them. For us parents, it's a scary ride through hell.

    You DID do your best and from my standpoint "out here" you did a wonderful job. You are loving him, not judging him, offering him options you can live with too and allowing him to make his own choices. Gosh, that's such a tough place to be. I know that place intimately and my heart goes out to you. All we can do is let go and let them know we love them. You've done all the right things. He is so young. My difficult child had these same tendencies when she was very young too. The last time I saw my difficult child she held on to me like your son held on to you. Of course, my difficult child is 40 years old, however, sometimes I feel like that connection to me is her connection to the real world, the world of sanity. Acceptance of the world in which she lives is always a challenge for me and when I land there, I feel better, but getting there is a bumpy ride...........I send my prayers for your difficult child to find his way and you to find peace............many gentle hugs for you Mom........
  9. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, WWE. It must be so painful for you and for him. He is really burning bridges now with school and his friends. I know the psychiatrist appointment. is in April, but is there any chance, considering the current circumstances, that you could wheedle an earlier appointment? Canada's health system is different that US, but geez...
  10. Thank you so much everyone for your words of support. It means a lot.

    Janet - I certainly don't blame you and your husband for worrying about Cory - it sounds like he is not doing well healthwise at all. My difficult child has lost weight too. He says he doesn't want to eat much to shrink his stomach so he can afford to live on less food. I don't understand that thinking - he'd rather semi-starve than take the food available to him at his friends house, than to go to the two community suppers they offer in town every week, not to mention the food bank. Unlike Cory difficult child is not extremely thin (yet). He's just lost the extra few pounds he was carrying around. I'm so sorry you and your husband are feeling so sad and worried about Cory -it's so hard, especially at this time of year.

    SuZir - I have to agree with you about difficult child's choices. He could have told his guidance counsellor he was homeless - I am sure they would have made some calls for him. In fact, I know they have in the past but difficult child refuses to take advantage of the services that are available. Instead he told his guidance counsellor that he had a place and was moving in next week. Sigh. I sure hope his back wall is coming soon and he will learn sooner rather than later that his choices are making his life so difficult.

    RE - It really does sound like difficult child is much like your daughter. He seems to have such a huge problem with the rules of society - it's exactly like you say...he is willing to make his life miserable and so so difficult just to not have to follow any rules at all. What they don't understand is that by trying to achieve this 'freedom' from rules they are making themselves their own prison of poverty, homelessness, isolation from family and friends. He has let friends down at school. His friend said he let his drama group down (which is a HUGE deal - and difficult child loves his drama friends and the class) to the point where many of them were crying they were so disappointed. Not one person commented on his facebook status - that says a lot about how much his behaviour is starting to isolate him.

    Calamity - I have thought of trying to get hold of the psychiatrist again on Monday. I'm just not sure what to do. He has to be willing to participate and I'm kind of nervous about possibly getting him on another medication and then leaving for our vacation on Wednesday. Do we try a new medication like a mood stabilizer? What about possible reactions? Is it the devil we know for now or the devil we don't know with hopes that it works and helps. I just don't know.

    husband and I have been discussing for 2 days whether or not we will still go on vacation and we have decided to go. We will have our cell phones and be in contact with difficult child as well as family and friends up here. It looks like we could be dealing with this behaviour for many years to come and how long are we to put our lives on hold? If we stay home and he is out having fun with friends and finds someone new to couch surf with then we'll regret staying home and easy child will resent him even more. And difficult child will learn how much power he has over our lives. If we go and something happens then we may regret going on vacation too. But my parents and husband's parents live within 5 minutes of us, my cousin is 15 minutes away, my sister 45 minutes and lifelong friends here as well. I have to look at it and say that if something is going to happen it will likely happen whether we are here or not - we could be home within 2 days.

    I have not told my parents what is going on yet. There is nothing they can do and my mom will be so upset and histrionic. difficult child is still going there for Christmas - hopefully for a couple of days so I can have some comfort that he'll be safe for that time anyway.

    What would all of you do about the psychiatrist? medications? Telling my parents?
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so so sorry. This situation is made all the worse because it is the holiday season and we remember them as our little kids so very vividly. I think the back wall analogy is excellent. I doubt I will ever understand this type of difficult child stubborn persistence. There is one thing that helped me get through the various difficult child dramas in my life. That thing is the difficult child stubborn persstence because when they do finally hit that back wall and decide to change for good? There is NO stopping them. NONE. They throw themselves into changing things the way they did into not 'gving in' to rationality, common sense, or logic when they were making bad choices. I clung to that when times were the hardest here.

    You have done all you can, and I hope that he turns around soon. Some people jsut have to take the hardest road around. I agree that since he is still working, is unwilling to reach out, and is not super thin or refusing all contact with you, that he isn't doing too terribly.

    As for psychiatrist and medications, if you can afford them and he will go to the doctor and take the medications, I would pay for them. As for your parents, I would step out of that relationship. Your sig says that your difficult child is 16, so I don't know if he is a minor or not, but if he is old enough to be out and about on his own then he is old enough to handle explaining his choices to his grandparents just as he would any other adult. If/when your mom is upset with you, tell her that they are both adults and this is their relationship problem, not yours. You have enough of your own problems with-o taking on that responsibility. Knowing how upset his gma is may be part of that brick wall he cannot get around/through/over/under.