Sigh... Difficult Child isn't receptive to DBT therapy

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ksm, Jan 28, 2016.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    We had our first appointment last night with the psychologist who does the classes, to learn more about the classes. Our psychologist had referred her to us, and it seemed like Difficult Child agreed to do this. I didn't see J express any interest at all! I really wanted us to try this with an open mind. The class is also something that I have to attend too, and we both have homework, each month a different skill, like mindfulness, naming our feelings (it all looks like anger but is probably other things) curbing impulsivity, etc. J turns 18 in less than two months... She even told the therapist she is moving out then, so she can be with her dog, the one she lied to us to get money for school clothes, bought a dog, then hid it at a friends, who then couldn't keep it, and it wasn't getting fed properly, and now it is at my step dtrs house. Of course J told her she would get a job, pay for food, vet bills etc. Well it is now 4 months later and J doesn't have a job.

    I don't know how she will have a place to stay, feed the dog, pay for her phone, take care of herself, and go to college this fall. Magical thinking, I guess. We got an SED waiver, so now we have a medical card that is secondary to our family policy. So it would cover the costs of this. She has had the card since Oct when she took a handful of pills... She denies it was a suicide attempt.

    Once she turns 18, if she dismisses the case manager, and not receive or follow any therapies, I assume she will lose the SED waiver. We have told her after 18 she needs to pick up her copays. We didn't tell her that we would probably pay those, if she had got help, was doing better, had a job, etc.

    I don't want to continue to live like this, she is mean, rude, and of course knows everything. We did not want her to get a puppy until she had a place to live, because I know who would be responsible for it. Me!!

    Just feeling like there is not going to be a good outcome to this. KSM
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    KSM-so sorry she is struggling so much right now. It sounds like you have a plan in place. Of course, that doesn't make it any easier. Sending gentle hugs your way.
  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Ksm, so sorry for this, you have been working so hard to get J the help she needs. In the end all no matter what the outcome you have made a Herculean effort. I hope she thinks things through and changes her mind. Sigh.
    Hang in there, keep walking the walk.
    Sending best wishes, prayers and big hugs.....
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    WE have a plan in place. But it isn't THEIR plan. We see it as sabotage. They see it as us "treating them like little kids". (Which, truth be told, their behavior does resemble...)

    I can create opportunities. But I cannot "own" the plan, because most of the action items on it are not mine. My challenging kid (in this instance, either one of them) has to OWN the plan.

    I think it was someone over on SA that said that it's a problem if we are working harder at this than they are.
  5. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The old saying, "You can lead a horse to water....." certainly applies in this instance and with most of our Dkids. Sorry J is not being more receptive - she has her mind set and, unfortunately, it is what it is.

    If love were enough...

  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    We had the second appointment with the psychologist last night, and J agreed, although reluctantly, to try DBT therapy. Classes start next week, so for the next 5 months, our Wednesday evenings will be taken. We have to drive about 40 miles to do this. In 6 weeks, she turns 18. I am hoping that she wont refuse to continue after that point. But if she does, I am not going to fight this. She can legally move out, and I won't stop her. I just hope she comes to her senses and realize that she can't have the life she wants at this point. No job, no car, etc.

    We had told her we would pay for her cell phone until she turned 18. It is a cheap plan for about $20 a month. But she won't even be able to afford that.

    She blew her Christmas money on fake nails... Which one fell off last night so she removed that all, and red hair dye. Now she refuses to wash her hair, as she doesn't want the color to fade. I tried to understand why she would have invested her money on things that don't last and she replied, "well at least I look like I have money."

    And that is her mind set... And that scares me...

  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I thought I would share about the cheap phone service I found. I have the TextNow app on my iPad. I had been seeing ads on my texting page and checked it out. We got an LG smart phone with front and back cameras (important for teen girl selfies). The phone was free... For signing up, but it is pay as you go, so I can cancel anytime and keep the phone.

    It is $18.99 a month. Unlimited text, talk and 1G of fast speed data. But unlimited slower speed data. It doesn't have as good of coverage as Verizon, but it works in our town, and the larger town about 50 miles from us. But, no good coverage at a couple of the smaller towns near us.

    They can use our home wifi or school wifi with it too.

    Thought this might be helpful for other parents who need an inexpensive phone, service, and no contracts... KSM
  8. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Active Member

    Thanks for the phone info, KSM. I think it's good that she is willing, reluctantly or not, to try the therapy. Even if it does no good in the short-term, in the long-term it will be something she will hopefully remember and learn from.

    I'm not surprised at her attitude of "at least I look like I have money." She's young and struggling with how she appears at first glance. If she chooses to move out, reality will b!$@* slap her in the face. It's amazing the life lessons one can learn when faced with finding shelter and food.
  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Its interesting the spin on things from a young teens perspective. Even my 21 year old made a comment about how she wanted a better life, not to "live in poverty" like how she grew up. I am like, seriously? When I think of poverty, I think of those late night commercials with the sadness of starving children.
    Hoku may be talking of my propensity to be more frugal, watch my spending, buy things on sale, not have to have the latest, greatest cell phone........etc.

    A roof over your head, clothes and food on the table is not poverty.


    I'll have to look into TextNow. When hubs retires, we will really have to streamline the old budget. Still, we will not be "living in poverty" lol.
    Just a lot more carefully.........

    Thanks KSM

  10. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    With a TextNow, just be sure there is coverage where you live. 10 miles from us is a big dead area... My phone is verizon and so is my husbands. KSMKSM