*Sigh* The difficult children that never grow up..........

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, May 16, 2010.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I hadn't heard from K in quite a while......like more than a week. The computer makes it easy for nearly constant contact.......so that's why it felt like a longish time. So I dropped her an email asking how things were.

    Well, I asked for it.:tongue:

    I got the biggest whiniest reposes.

    Her 1st reply said that she was mega down in the dumps because of living in a motel so long and no one wanted to hire either her husband or herself, that the school staff thinks she is scum because they live in a motel and don't work and treat her as if she's ignorant white trash. Alex was sick a couple of weeks ago and she told me the pediatrician doctor said it was pneumonia. She said when she sent him back to school when he was well enough to go, the school nurse sent a note home with him stating she believed he had asthma and needed checked by a pediatrician doctor because asthma can be a serious medical condition. And she also told me a few weeks ago that Alex had had an accident at school and she was taking him to the doctor to be checked for diabetes. Well she said the tests came back ok. But the teacher told her that the kids come to school stinking. And she said that is because Alex had that accident and was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Then she said that her husband had to get re-certified for foodstamps, supposed to be an every 6 month deal, and that their date to get them changed to the 27th so evidently they are without food.........and of course the food pantries are empty. And that her mother is driving her crazy being mean to them when she comes to visit.

    So since I'm practicing those detachment skills, I told her I'm sorry things are so rough for her over there. Then tried to come up with ideas for places to look for work. (for the umpteenth time) And even suggested she go back to school for something like nurses aide that doesn't take but a few weeks or volunteer so she can use them as a referrence.

    Her 2nd reply in response to my suggestions was that she couldn't volunteer or go to school because it is too far to walk. That she and her husband had already tried all of my suggestions but that she thought there was a "hiring freeze" there. And that she doesn't want to take her kids to the shelter because it is sooooo horrible with drunks and addicts and child molesters and terrible food........well, you get the idea.:faint:


    30 yrs old, folks. Her husband is 44 yrs old. We aren't talking kids here.

    I've heard nothing but excuses for 2 yrs. Her husband has been unemployed since we got back into contact with each other. And they have been living in a motel that long, but most likely much much longer than that. Ages ago she was supposed to take Alex and Evan for their neuropsychologist evaluations.......all I got back was excuse after excuse of why the appointment either couldn't be made or how they had to cancel. The kids are always sick. Most likely from poor nutrition as she is cooking from a electric skillet...period.

    There are some days that I think K's purpose is to save her siblings from a similar fate. Awful, isn't it?? My kids find it difficult to talk with her because it's one looooong whine after another of why she can't do this or that. And they were taught if you don't like something you do something to change it. Well, K was too, but she was only physically with us several weeks out of the year.

    I just read those emails and shook my head. Geez I'm 46 yrs old and am in school with an unemployed husband with bills to pay and a house payment to make. Nichole and boyfriend are both unemployed and managing to still try to improve their lives. I dunno, evidently even example doesn't make it dawn on her that you don't just get handed the good things in life, you work for them.

    I know she sees all the things easy child and Nichole and even Travis get to do and all the fun stuff the other grands enjoy......because it's posted on their facebook/MySpace pages. And I'm sure it makes her feel bad. But she could have it too if she'd just stop making excuses and friggin' TRY!:faint::ashamed:

    The 2 responses were a very very strong hint for me to ask her to come here and stay. She knows via facebook that Travis has come back home and that I was willing to let Nichole come back during that mess a while back. But I won't be inviting her to come here. I've got a long list of reasons, but at the top of it is that she was doing this same junk when she was here 10 yrs ago. (d*mn has it really been that long??) Her moving here is going to change nothing except she would be mooching off of me. No way.

    And no, won't be sending any money either. Yes the economy stinks to high heaven, but I am having a difficult time believing that neither of them can find a single menial labor job in 2 yrs. And at their ages.....c'mon, you know what you should be doing to make a life for yourself and your kids.

    I will never understand that mentality. I've always said she's the female version of her dad. Man, I couldn't have been more accurate.
  2. helpme

    helpme New Member

    Man, oh man, I can tell watching this one is just brutal.
    30 with a 44 year old almost seems unrealistic to begin with.
    And then he still sounds like a mess and his momma probably too!

    I think you need to hold confident in your ideology that she just has
    to try. You have to remember that you did teach her to try, and
    that boy oh boy, if even a small piece of her and her kids lives changed,
    she'd be on the road to a way better life (probably getting away from
    that hubby would be my guess).

    Just curious though, what do you do about the grand kids though.
    I wonder what the paternal gma would do if they all ended up in a
    shelter. I think that if she let them go, then she knows her son is
    never going to step up and be supportive to your d, your grand kids,
    or to himself.

    Now remember, I am no where near this stage, but I wonder, do people
    take in just their child and grand kids, and leave the spouse OUT?
    How much of an impact would that make on her? Would it be enough
    time to get her thinking clearly, or not? Would it give you, if you needed it,
    time to check on the grand kids, or do you think that is a good idea?
    Sounds like something should break her poor image of herself in not being
    able to accomplish anything. Would taking the grand kids or not allowing
    hubby a place to live make her come back to realization?
    Is she that desperate yet?
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Seems like tigers never lose their stripes huh?

    I am still wondering how they are paying for this motel. Motels are expensive and I know here, welfare wouldnt pay for it. You might be able to get some place to pay for a month or two but this long? No. I still think something is fishy there.

    Here husband should be able to find something to work at...fast food, manual labor, something. If he wont, I think it means they are on some public assistance program they dont want to lose.
  4. Bean

    Bean Member

    Yikes. I'm sorry. I mean, disillusioned as I am, sometimes my comfort is hope (fantasy?) that my child, the loving difficult child, is 18 (almost 19) and supposedly they become a bit saner after 25. :laugh:
    I'm kind of not serious, but I am.

    I sympathise, I really do. Gosh, I do. It sounds like the same conversations we have, only with a good decade or so of time on it. (((hugs)))
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    help me, K's husband has no family. None. He grew up in the foster care system and only has a "foster" grandmother who still let's him come around occasionally........but she has much experience with difficult children and doesn't offer help. I guessing she's been burned in the past. K only has her bio mom and us. Bio mom is also out of work.....and somewhat of a difficult child herself. Ten yrs ago I brought K here from Mo with the oldest grandchild (a baby at the time) because they were homeless and out of work.....with the stipulation that her husband (her boyfriend at the time) did not come along. Nothing personal necessarily against the man, but to me a man can work for what he needs, homeless or not. A woman and infant have no place on the streets. Got burned bad because he followed her here. She was given an amazing amount of opportunity to change her life around ( I still can't believe how much everyone reached out to help her) and she threw it away. Briefly a while back I considered maybe letting her and the kids come here to stay. I think the thought lasted maybe an hour tops. Because nothing has changed in those 10 yrs.

    Yeah Janet......something is fishy. I know welfare won't pay for a hotel here either.....and we have more housing issues they where she lives. And she doesn't make it sound as if they get a monthly check....just food stamps and insurance. So I've been wondering the same thing for the past 2 yrs. But then decided maybe I just plain don't want to know how they're paying for things other than food.:tongue:

    I do send the grands something from time to time. And Alex and Kayla's birthday's are coming up. Now I'm afraid to send them a walmart card in their birthday cards (cheaper than shipping a gift) for fear they'll never see it and know I sent something. Guess I may have to bite the bullet and go buy them each a present and ship it to them.

    K wants her life to change, she just wants someone else to change it for her while she doesn't have to put forth any effort. *sigh*
  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    My difficult child is the same. He wants to change. He wants a good life. He just wants me to somehow give it to him. I told him the other night it was not my responsibility to fix his life. He is very, very envious of his brother and sister. He sees their success, not the struggle they've been through to get to where they are right now. He was given the same opportunities in life and chose to do the wrong things. It's so sad to watch, but that is all I can do right now.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lisa....just how sure are you that her husband is telling the truth about his past? I mean really, this man is such a prince I wouldnt doubt he would make up a life of no relatives if they had tossed him out.

    I still think either one or both of them are getting disability...or the kids are...maybe a bunch of them are...to be able to afford that motel.
  8. helpme

    helpme New Member

    Gotcha hound dog.
    I'm swaying with Janet. Something or someway is
    paying for the motel. I wish you could get more info
    on her husband and get him out of the picture. He's gotta
    go for sure.

    I think you need to stay detached from K. Sounds to
    me like you will be getting the gkids sooner or later.
    Have you made a decision on the gkids yet?
  9. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I drive thru that city every time we go to OK for Wee's doctor.

    We sometimes stop because its the halfway point. We'll diddle around at a McD's or someplace we can walk around. I'm not looking and I've seen several places accepting applications just on our little trips thru. Its a college town, too. Kids are going home for the summer...they'll need summer help.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    "nother thought. Why only the electric skillet? Surely she can get a crock pot and maybe a two burner thingy. Toaster oven?

    Heck...my stove is down to one eye right now and we cook using the electric frying pan, one eye and the oven. Well we also have a grill which has a burner on it too. I think she could find other things to use to cook with if she tried. Even at second hand stores. Or freecycle.
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Janet the electric skillet is because the motel won't allow microwaves or any other cooking device. She gets away with the skillet only because they haven't as yet placed it in the rules she can't have it, as I understand it. But I'm going only by what she tells me, so who knows.

    Same with his family, except that the foster grandmother backs up his story with K. If he has any remaining bio family.....they're in Texas where he is originally from. But haven't had a thing to do with him since he was a child. At some point during our estrangement I know they went to Texas for a while. Maybe he was trying to reconnect.....maybe he was hoping to mooch.....but it didn't last long and they were back in MO. I'd kept tabs on K even when we weren't talking. I at least knew where she was if I knew nothing else. The computer can be a wondrous tool at times. lol

    Personally my gut says there is no disability going on. She's took lazy to take Alex to be diagnosed officially, although the school has "diagnosed" him mildly mentally retarded. (actually it's most likely Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) coupled with brain damage from being dropped on his head as an infant repeatedly) If either K or her husband has anything physically wrong with them enough to warrant disability I'll win the lottery tomorrow. Both are big time sympathy seekers. My gut tells me they are using more sleazy means of making money.......but I've only got my gut and a few tidbits I've learned over the 2 yrs to go on. No solid evidence to back it up. Something I suspected strongly before I brought K to live here 10 yrs ago....but again had no solid evidence to back it up....just a lot of little things that threw up red flags.

    help me, honestly I'm torn in my heart about the grand kids. Kayla and Alex I have a very strong bond with as when they were infants they lived here with us and I did 90 percent of the parenting......although I tried not to. Evan, the youngest, is a stranger to me. And as awful as it sounds, there are no real feelings there even though I try. And I never let him or K suspect. Alex and Kayla I could most likely welcome into my home and parent without batting an eye. But Evan is as wild a child I've ever come into contact with. He has zero discipline. And I don't know if this is due to his autistic symptoms or pure lazy parenting. But he's bad enough we can't speak on the phone because Evan is consistently ripping the phone out of the wall or screaming at the top of his lungs or pounding on his siblings. He is 4 and an ungodly terror. I truly pity either his Head Start teacher or his kindergarden teacher, cuz she's gonna be in for one wild ride.:faint: And honestly, I know that I wouldn't have the patience to rein him in and work with him at this stage in my life. So......really, I don't know if I would consider taking in the grands. To take 2 and leave out 1 would seem wrong to me.....but Evan I just don't think I could deal with. And at this time.......husband and I couldn't really consider it much, he's not working and I'm a full time student and we're living off of unemployment ourselves.

    With all the talk of the school nurse and the kids teachers..........I'm wondering if someone has turned her into CPS or has threatened to turn her in and she is wanting to run away. If she was turned in, the kids would most likely be removed if it were investigated. I know when she lived here I was always hearing how the kids were sick and she was "supposedly" constantly taking them to the pediatrician doctor. Once she disappeared, however, I ran into pediatrician doctor who told me K had stopped bringing in the kids when she began questioning why they were always sick, under weight, unbathed.......and had told her if she saw them in that condition again she'd turn her over to CPS and call me. I'm suspicious she hasn't been taking the kids to the pediatrician doctor because she'd told us Kayla had strep throat and she'd gotten medications for her, then turned around and asked easy child what over the counter medications she could give her to make her well. Same for Alex a few times. But if a CPS caseworker walked into that motel room........you've got 5 people, possibly 6 as I'm guessing her bio Mom lives there too although she denies it, living in a one room motel room. If it were temporary it wouldn't be an issue, but 3 yrs is far from temporary.

    So I doubt the kids have even seen the dr.......and I'm guessing both the school nurse and the teachers have hit the nail on the head with their complaints. And also Alex's teachers, one of whom strongly complained to K, comes and picks up the kids every morning at the motel to drive them across town to school so that Alex could remain in her Special Education class as he had finally begun to make progress and she didn't want to see him slide backward again. Her being their transportation kept the kids in the same school although K moved across town to another motel. Doesn't sound like a person "out to get K" to me. Both are mandatory reporters. Ought to get interesting if that's what is going on.

    But in her pity party emails, K had hoped I'd swoop in and rescue because of course I wouldn't want the grands living on the street or in the nitemarish homeless shelter. You should've heard her go on and on about the homeless shelter. Now she lived in that shelter before Kayla was born....my own Mom went to try to visit her there. It is not a bad place by any means, the worst my Mom could find to say about it was it was an older building without air conditioning. :tongue: So.....hmmm, forgot that part. Maybe she's getting evicted from the motel again. This will be the 3rd time in 2 yrs.

    Nope. Don't believe for a minute they can't find work somewhere in that town doing something, even if it's part time and they'd have to work 2 jobs each to scrape by. I feel really bad for the grands.......but at this point there isn't much I can do.

    IF CPS does remove the grands from K's care and I get the phone call I've been dreading getting for many years...........Well, I'll have to make that decision if and when the call ever comes.
  12. helpme

    helpme New Member

    We will be here for you. I will keep you, and your family, in my prayers.
    K really needs to get her act 2gether for those kids, ASAP. Big hugs for you!