I was not too harsh although I yelled too much as things started to unravel. My ex-husband (their dad) and I raised them together in the same house (very American family, sitting down to dinner, chores, church every Sunday, both boys were acolytes, rules/curfews/expectations). I work out of my home so I was around all the time. Both boys had part-time jobs from the time they were 16. We got them used cars to go to school and sports and work. Both played sports in h.s., one hockey and the other soccer.
easy child played too many video games and so did difficult child. I felt I was in a constant battle with video games and the games always won. Looking back, I wish I had been more deliberate in limiting them and taking them away.
My ex-husband's alcoholism began progressing (noticeably) with depression, irritability, impatience, unhappiness, etc. the last 10 years of our marriage and then even more the last three years. He was hospitalized once and then went to IOP. He got clean and sober and then...got addicted (in my view at the time) to AA. A year after his sobriety I was still completely miserable and thinking this was the way it was always going to be and I was sick and tired.
My exhusband would spent dinners at the table focusing on their table manners. Now, they needed to improve on that, so as I would tell my ex, I have no trouble with what you are saying but how you are saying it. He would harp and harp and harp until the point all of us were miserable with just being there.
My boys had two very controlling parents. And I know now that is not good.
Both of my sons are Adult Children of an Alcoholic and all that comes with that, even though my ex-husband was extremely high functioning, had an executive position, got raises and promotions, etc. and did not drink every day. He was a closet binge drinker. The actual alcohol wasn't apparent but the behavior certainly was. He was a miserable person inside.
I tried to be both parents (perfect parents) for a long long time. Of course, I failed miserably. I thought there was a certain way a family was supposed to be and I danced as fast as I could to make it happen.
I wish I had let difficult child fall flat on his face much earlier than I did. In h.s. I would literally pull him out of the bed (him, much taller and bigger than me) to get him in the shower to go to school. He "couldn't hear the alarm clock." I would run interference at h.s. for him regarding homework, lack of trying in class, etc. I talked and talked and talked and reasoned and explained and stomped out and yelled, trying to get through to him. We bought three alarm clocks (can you even believe that?) because he said he couldn't hear one and so he would set three to get up. His room was a wreck.
Little by little I gave up the good fight and started picking my battles with him. I kept thinking, this time, this time, will be the turning point.
Who even knows what he was really doing all through h.s.? I know a few years back he was very angry at us because we were "too strict and he never had any fun at all, so now I'm going to have fun."
We had regular curfews on weekends and home in bed on weeknights to get ready for school. He could go places with friends and stay out later on weekend nights.
In the last four years the craziness has been much more crazy with difficult child. At one point he said he couldn't sleep so I was going to have him tested for sleep apnea (I was convinced that was his problem) as his dad and I both have it. He finally went for the sleep test and left AMA during the overnight test. Later they told me he was completely uncooperative and spent the entire night texting his girlfriend.
I set up appointments with psychologists and counselors and would go to his dad's or his apartment to pick him up to take him and he either wouldn't answer the door, wouldn't be there or wouldn't go. After he had agreed to go.
On and on and on, I did things for him that he should have done for himself. I pulled and pushed and tugged and was... By Golly, going to make it happen or die trying.
Almost did (inside). Die trying.
I have been a very good mom. My mom was/is a very good mom. She didn't over control me like I did them.
In Al-Anon I hear lots of people struggle with guilt. I honestly don't feel that kind of guilt except for pushing too hard for them to conform to my idea of success.
Is some of difficult child's "stuff" reacting to his upbringing? Yes, I am sure that it is. I believe most of it is his own biochemistry.
