Skyped with difficult child

[toughlovin]

Hi all,

Well we skyped with difficult child so I did get a look at him. *It was good to talk to him but kind of broke my heart too.... he is who he is. *He seemed ok, but yeah he looks homeless. *Doesnt look too thin though so he is eating. *Says he is near a youth shelter that is open M-F until noon where he can get a shower and a *meal. He is not staying at a shelter, says he doesnt do shelters. *He doesnt think they are great places, so he is sleeping on the street.

He is thinking of staying in Denver for awhile at least until he can get his birth certificate and an ID. *Apparently some cops told him it is illegal not to have an ID!! *Does anyone know if that is true? *I dont think it is. I am going to go get a copy of his birth certificate and send it to him.

He abruptly ended the call for some reason... not sure why.

He is using some playstation hand held device.... not sure how he got that??? *Well I can guess actually.

I dont know it all just feels so so sad to me. Makes me want to cry. *Sometimes more information just hurts. Ignorance is bliss.

TL

Sent from my iPad

 

[AmericanGirl]

TL, I'm thankful you saw him and talked with him. He's okay. You know where he is and how he is.

That's something to be very thankful for!!!

 

[Nancy]

I'm sorry for your hurting heart. I feel the same way at times. Sometimes I get overwhelmed at what I do know about difficult child's living conditions and it makes me very sad. I only hear from her when she needs something and I do know she hasn't paid any utilities in many months and has collectors after her constantly, they even harass us. When I think about her future it makes me upset.

I'm glad you got to see him for yourself but also understand your mixed feelings.

Nancy

 

[DDD]

I haven't been there done that but I can understand your pain. I guess it was a mixed blessing. Relief that he is alive and appears physically well...fear that he is not living as you hoped. Caring hugs coming your way. DDD

 

[Calamity Jane]

Oh TL. That's bittersweet. Seeing is believing, that's for sure. Can you ask him next time what it will take for him to not be homeless? I mean, he can't go on like this indefinitely. I don't know if that would only push him further away, though, by saying that. I know he's said something in the past like he'd rather be on the street than following society's rules, but for how long? Every cell in my body would want to get on a plane and go get him, but then what? Gosh, I wish he would put an end to this. Hugs, TL.

 

[Kathy813]

{{{Hugs}}}

~Kathy

 

[toughlovin]

Thank you all for the thoughts.. I do feel very sad tonight but I realized I am not filled with terror and fear for his safety that I have felt before. I am sad partly because I just personally cannot imagine living like that...and it seems so sad to be in such a situation. He did not seem overly depressed though or desperate or anything, just trying to figure out how to get an id. It was kind of a problem solving session. And I am sad because he still has that attitude and is kind of hard to talk to... made me realize that I am really glad he is not living here!! I think we connect better in some ways via writing than in person.

Jane I think asking him any questions like that would really push him away. To stay connected I need to stay as neutral as possible I think. And he does seem to want to try and figure some things out, and getting an id is the first step. He is obviously talking to someone who is helpful... and gosh he is taking showers during the week when he can. I do wonder how long he will/can do this for. But I am guessing that in some sort of weird way he likes the not having rules and the freedom of it although i cant imagine it myself at all.

And AG yes he is alive and he is eating (and still smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee although how he can afford either of those things I have no idea).

TL

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I totally and completely understand. I, too, have come to the conclusion that ignorance is bliss...glad you got to talk to him. He is young and he is most definitely experiencing life. Imagine the stories he is going to be able to tell his children some day...

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry that your heart is hurting because he has chosen to be homeless right now. I know in my town the homeless shelter is a VERY nice place, but I have seen other shelters in bigger cities that are not nearly what ours is. I hope and pray that he is able to keep himself safe and that at some point the lack of rules will wear off.

I think the identification requirement that he was told about is CO's version of the 'Stop and Identify' statute. Basically this says that if the officer suspects criminal activity they can insist you identify yourself. The language for Co says that they "may require" identifying information. So if they suspect him of loitering, drug use, public intoxication, etc...., they actually CAN require some form of ID and it is perfectly legal. This is CO revised statute 16-3-103 and the actual statute is:

16-3-103

1. A peace officer may stop any person who he reasonable suspects is committing, has committed, or is about to commit a crime and may require him to give his name and address, identification if available, and an explanation of his actions. A peace officer shall not require any person who is stopped pursuant to this section to produce or divulge such person's social security number. The stopping shall not constitute an arrest.

2. When a peace officer has stopped a person for questioning pursuant to this section and reasonable suspects his personal safety requires it, he may conduct a pat-down search of that person for weapons.

(http://search.jurisearch.com/NLLXML...12&Title=16&datatype=S&noheader=1&nojumpmsg=0)

I don't know that they can arrest him for not having ID if he gives them his name and address, but his life WILL be easier with proper ID. Giving any false information IS a crime in the US. Not that this stops people, but . . . .

I hoep this helps. At least you know your son has coffee and is showering and eating. I know this is gut-wrenching, but it is his choice. He has to learn the hard way or he will not ever choose anything else. I wish this would happen sooner, but sadly it will be on his time schedule.

 

[DammitJanet]

I have always heard that a person over such an age, probably 18 has to have a state or federal issued ID on them or they are considered vagrants. Now I doubt they would be actually arrested but they could haul him in to check for wants and warrants. Run fingerprints. An ID makes things simpler.

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks all.. A friend of mine in CO checked with a cop friend of hers and he told her it was not a crime not to have ID and a cop who told him he could be arrested was just being a jerk.... but clearly it helps on several fronts to have an ID and this at least has made difficult child start figuring out what he need to do to get one. I found his birth certificate and sent it to the place he told me to send it to yesterday.

And I am doing better.... the reality of his situation kind of just hit me in the gut that night.... but it is his reality and the truth is if he really wants help he can find it and we would help him.

I just have to keep reining myself in and think carefully before i say anything so that I dont jump in to rescue him and do something stupid like offer to get him a hotel room!!!

I think the other reality that hit me is he is still the same, he hasnt really changed. He still had the attitude etc that would make me not want to live with him or deal with him every day.

TL

 

[Nancy]

TL I hear you loud and clear. Just last week I was interacting with difficult child in some way and she showed me her same old ungrateful self, and not just ungrateful but she snapped at me several times. I don't even remember what it was about but I reminded myself why I could never live with her and why it's better that we don't have much contact.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

My difficult child told me last week that she was sorry she was such a disappointment. I told her she is not a disappointment, that her actions and choices were disappointing. I told her I still have faith that she will turn it all around one day, but in the meantime, not to get upset because of my inability to sit back and watch her self destruct. They just don't get how it makes us feel. They will never "get" it until they have children of their own...

 

[toughlovin]

No they wont get it until that day they have their own kids... which as much as I want to be a grandma, I am hoping it is not with difficult child anytime soon!!! Also our easy child kids wont really understand how hard it is for us to stand back or how we keep loving them no matter what until they have their own kids.

TL