Sleep patterns

[christianmom]

Background on 20yos Apparently big into lots of drugs at college, had gotten 31 on ACT and lost all scholarships, was in pretty bad shape. Dropped out of school, came home in May and doing pretty good all summer, no phone, no gas money, no encouragement from us to get a job so he could get back on his feet mentally, spiritually, do things with family, etc and was doing pretty good. Has started working recently and may be doing drugs again, not really sure. Has had major sleep problems. Called in sick to work today and has been sleeping about 14 hours. He has done this even when not doing drugs - what could this be and could it be a sign of doing drugs again? Thanks.

 

[DDD]

Welcome CM. It could be drugs. It could be depression. Sorry to be so brief but I wanted to say a quick Hi before I leave work for the day. DDD

 

[BusynMember]

I would think drugs. Drugs really mess up your sleep patterns. Now if he'd never taken drugs before, I'd tell you to take him for a check-up. Since he did, my best mom's intuition guess, which COULD be wrong, is that he is using again. Jobs are big place to find drugs, but so is just walking out the door. It is a choice your son is making. The onus is on him. Sleeping 14 hours is so not normal. I am thinking he started using drugs before you knew it, unless he has a serious illness or if he has even done this as a young child and was diagnosed by a neurologist with narcolepsy. Sadly, by experience, I am guessing he took drugs way before you even thought of it and you just didn't know he was sleeping for that reason. Our drug using kids are very clever at hiding t he fact.

When my daughter used drugs, and we were in deep denial and thought she was only smoking pot (what a joke that turned out to be...a bad joke), she was up all night (although we didn't know it) just so that she would be high while we were asleep. Then she could not wake up during the day and slept constantly. She had moved on to meth and psychedelics and, to our shock, we found out after she quit and was willing to talk about it that she had even tried heroin. So we as parents can be fooled. We WANT to not know!

You did all you could. The fact is that he has to work and function in society or he will be crippled even if he IS drug free while you coddle and nurture him. He's too old for that and none of us can live forever. He needs to learn to take care of his own drug problems. I would cut off the money completely, the cell phone, the face book...make it hard for him to use, if, in fact, you believe he is using. To find out though, you need to check his cell phone messages, his Facebook, go through his entire room and check under his mattress and in cracks and crannies (even in his shoes), and see if you can find signs. You are not invading his privacy. In fact, because he broke the law and lives in your house under your rules, he has no privacy. You are trying to find out what is wrong so that you can save his life, or try to.

The actual saving will be totally up to him. Nobody can stop his own self-destruction, if in fact this is what is going on, other than himself. You can't. You can only control YOU and your reaction to his behavior. Here's a big hug and hoping that you can have the strength to explore what is going on, set boundaries, and detach if he is into drugs again.

I would tell you to get him drug tested, but the tests are so unreliable. Things like spice don't even show up, yet t hey are VERY dangerous.

Good luck. Sorry you had to join us, but we are here strictly to support you in your journey.

 

[christianmom]

Thank you everyone for your help. We don't buy his cell phone. He hasn't bought a card for his cell phone in approximately 9 months. He is not on Facebook (his choice). The reason I said he slept a lot when not using drugs was almost all summer, he was home and had no money, so I knew then. Plus he used to when he was homeschooled, before all this started. But there are other reasons I suspect it now again. He has talked to me candidly about things in the past few months and our relationship is many times better since he's been home, and especially the last two months. I was going to talk to him about it tonight but it didn't work out so will soon. I know he is not lying a lot like before, because I check up on things and what he tells me is the truth, like where he goes when he gets off work. He is also having stomach problems and is interested in going to the doctor, whereas a few weeks ago, he wasn't, so that is another reason I was going to talk to him, stomach vs: drugs causing it, etc.

 

[christianmom]

He was on a six month probation and told us later (this year when our relationship is better) that he took spice once -as it wouldn't show up on the tests - and it really scared him.

 

[christianmom]

The probation was in 2012.

 

[BusynMember]

One thing though. If he is using drugs, he won't tell you the truth. As my ex-drug using daughter tells anyone who will listen, "Never believe a druggie. They lie." She would stare us in the eyes with tears and lie. She would lie when caught.
Drug users do not tell the truth. That puts the onus on you to find out if he is using or not. Otherwise, I'd assume he is.
My daughter's money supply was cut off. She still used drugs. For one thing, she would steal small amounts of money from us that we didn't notice. For another, her friends were glad to share. My daughter always stayed home too. She was homeschooled. But she found ways to sneak out at night and we didn't find out for years. She also had a stash at home. I guess she had visitors when we weren't there or late at night when we were sleeping. There is no way to watch them all the time and they are sneaky. I hope your son's candid discussions were his truth. I don't know that they were nor do you. He may have put on a good face to get you to trust him. My daughter tried that and was having great success with us until she was busted, which shocked us. Can't tell you how much. Words can't describe it. We had believed she was clean. Don't let your guard down. What you hope is true may not be true and then you'll really be in for a bad fall.
You can't know that your boy didn't use drugs. I didn't think my daughter could either. I thought it was impossible because we watched her so closely. I didn't work. I was there. But, yeah, we did sleep and a lot of stuff went down when that was going on.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I tend to sleep a lot when I am depressed. When my daughter was using meth, she would sleep for days - only getting up to eat and then go right back to bed again. I remember wanting to take her to a sleep study because I was so concerned. I took her to the doctor for tests because I thought no one could possibly be this tired. There MUST be something wrong. She also looked dirty and didn't care about her looks anymore - looking back I can't believe we didn't see the signs.

Yup, she was up all night while we were sleeping, sneaking out to do drugs with her friends and then coming back home and sleeping. Even after we put an alarm on the house, she would still get out. (She has finally told me how!)

Your son is 20 years old. There isn't much you can do to control him. What you CAN do is set up the ground rules for your home if he is going to live there. To still live at home after the age of 18 is a priviledge, not a right. I gave my daughter the ultimatum of rehab or leaving our home. She chose to leave our home and spent the next few years as a couch surfing, drugging loser. Then she got pregnant and went to jail - it has been a whole new world since. She has really, really turned her life around and she is a wonderful mother. She is living back at home with us but she knows our rules and she GETS it now. I wouldn't even allow her to be a cigarette smoker because I will not live with that smell.

Welcome - this is a wonderful support group!!!

 

[BusynMember]

Patriots Girl, your post rang a big bell in MY head. Now I had always thought that meth is like a stimulant and keeps your awake. But my daughter told me that while it did, she needed tos leep and took downers to do so. The result was, she slept a real lot. We did take her to a doctor and he wondered if she had mono, but that test came back negative...so we figured it was drugs again.

To the OP, some drug using young adults get their lives together. Ours did. However, it takes hard work and heartache on our part to help our adult kids. They do not need nurturing or our denial, which most of us do go through because, after all, this IS our beloved child. Seriously, most need tough love, sometimes to be forced to leave our warm homes, and an earful about ether going to rehab or being 100% on their own. My daughter and Patriots Girl both changed when they were in situations where they had lots of time to think hard (correct if I'm wrong, PG). They were not at home getting hot meals, love, understanding, compassionate tell-us-your-heart talks, soft beds or "understanding"...nor could they abuse us because they were not living with us.

That is not the way to get a drug using child to suddenly rethink his life (or her life). Also, many of our kids quit, then go back to it. I believe that who they choose as friends tells a lot about the story of their lives while they are not with us. Until my daughter dumped her druggie connections, which made her one lonely nineteen year old girl who was now living in another state with a very coldhearted but very straight arrow brother, we did not believe shes quit anything and we were right.

Birds of a feather stick together...a cliche, but usually a correct one.

Hugs and good luck. This is a very lot to take in, but you need to move forward with your own life and not let this child push you around. Do you have other kids who are nice to you? Often they get the shaft while we angst about our kids who are choosing to destroy themselves. That's not really fair. They need our company and will usually really enrich our lives

 

[PatriotsGirl]

My daughter was homeless for three years, then got pregnant by an abusive drug dealer (now in prison for a good long time) and went to jail. She remained in jail for her whole pregnancy. She then delivered in the hospital, spent two glorious days falling in love with her baby, and was then taken back to jail in shackles while the baby went home with me. She spent a week away from her baby and it was devastating. She tried calling daily but I put the funds on the wrong phone account so she couldn't reach me. Her mind was thinking I took off with her baby. A guard let her call me directly from a phone and her knees buckled when I answered. From that moment on she swore she was done with drugs and she meant it. I knew she meant it. I don't know how, as I had heard it several times before, but I knew she was serious. Life has been unbelievable since. I have an absolute JOY of a grandson that I get to enjoy daily and I get to have that mother/daughter relationship that I wanted so badly. BUT, it took a very devastating event for change. She is convinced if she had not gone to jail or had Connor, she would be exactly where she was...she is the first to say that besides her son, jail was the best thing that could have happened to her. She was in from April to September and she never, ever wants to go back again!

 

[christianmom]

We have no other children. He does treat us with respect, for the most part. He never did have the moodiness and sour attitudes that lots of teenagers have. (Though back around a year ago when these problems were going on, he wouldn't text us back at that time). He did steal back in 2012 when the problems were going on. We found out and my husband told him if he did it again, he would be kicked out. And he knows my husband would "stick to his guns". I plan to talk to him soon. Like I said, the last few months have been really good in our relationship. He has told me (without me asking) about doing drugs one weekend in September, because it was the reason he couldn't go look for a job. He also told me about a party he went to around that same month where he drank. So he is telling me things and telling me details.

 

[christianmom]

Yes, one of the signs that makes me suspect is, he has been hanging around those friends again. He hadn't done that much since May.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Just be cautious...sometimes they think if they tell you a little of the bad stuff, you won't go seeking for more...there is usually much more that they do not tell us. Addiction is a very cunning, manipulative disease...

 

[BusynMember]

Agree with Patriots Girl. And as nice as they can be, they may be telling you the tip of the ice berg and trying to make it seem as if it isn't as bad as it really is in order to calm you down and get you off their backs. They are a sneaky bunch of young adults who just want you to leave them alone regarding what they are doing wrong, assuming he is still not clean. I personally don't think he is clean. Not even close. Have you checked his room when he wasn't there? His cell phone messages? That is the only way to really know. It was clever of him to get rid of FB. One less place you can look to see what he is up to. He must have a brain and, even if he is doing wrong things, being bright helps and in my opinion could offer a better overall outcome. Why do I still think he is playing games with you and taking drugs? I'll tell you.

It is a huge red flag when they start hanging around with druggies. I am thinking that your son is using and is playing you by being nice and respectful because he doesn't want you to suspect. If he wasn't, he wouldn't be accepted by those kids. They do not play well with peers who are straight or doing straight.

Watch your back.

 

[Apoe1984]

How are things going with you? Smile always

 

[christianmom]

Well, we talked and he is using marijuana again. But he also is having very bad stomach problems and says it is helping. I know this is supposed to help the stomach but I think it is making it worse in the long run because he seems sick more and also depressed.

 

[BusynMember]

There are more well documented drugs that don't get you high that help your stomach. Don't fall for it. He's playing you.