Slightly embarrassing question~

[hearts and roses]

You know when you've had a bit of a dry spell in the bedroom? You know, "it's been a while"? And then suddenly the stars are fully aligned, the difficult child's are out of the house, the phones aren't ringing, the dogs will sleep on the floor instead of your bed, and you are both FINALLY awake and willing and want to and you do IT? You finally get a little action, you finally touch the moon, curl your toes, or whatever y'all want to call it?

Well, aren't you kind of walking on air the next day? Don't you feel a little lighter with a skip to your step? Aren't you kind of smiling a bit? Don't all the little annoyances with your partner seem to melt away? Well, that's how I feel (felt). And I wish H was like that too.

Here's the embarrassing part and I don't quite get it, but H is always grouchy the next day...more than usual. And he's almost kind of annoyed with me it seems, as if he is angry that I made him have a good time. H seems to want to be left alone...and I don't mean minutes later, I mean days, a week even. I'm more of a "let's pick up where we left off" kind of woman.

Okay, women who know what I'm going through and men who maybe could explain a little, what is up with this?? And don't tell me to ask, when I do, he makes up an excuse and gives me one of those placating kisses or squeezes. A girl knows when she's being brushed off. So?? Anyone experience this ever? This is almost always the way its been with H since we've been married. Not before and the first couple of years, but since. I think it's odd. Most men would be going in for seconds, but my H backs a way.

 

[trinityroyal]

Jo, I don't know if this has any bearing on your situation...I'm just talking from experience, so take it for what it's worth.

My ex-H used to do the exact same thing.
The only explanation that the marriage (divorce-prep) counsellor and I could come up with was that passion made him feel terribly uncomfortable, and he resented me terribly for "making him feel that way". Ex-H tended to be depressed, and didn't want to feel much of anything, let alone something that intense...it's almost like I incited him to break a diet or something. It was very strange and unsettling.

I'm not sure if this is helpful at all, but I hope it offers some insight...

Trinity

 

[hearts and roses]

My ex-H used to do the exact same thing.The only explanation that the marriage (divorce-prep) counsellor and I could come up with was that passion made him feel terribly uncomfortable, and he resented me terribly for "making him feel that way". Ex-H tended to be depressed, and didn't want to feel much of anything, let alone something that intense...it's almost like I incited him to break a diet or something. It was very strange and unsettling. Trinity

Trinity, I feel like Olympia Dukakis in Moonstruck when she asks Johnny Cammarari why men chase women and he says they fear death! YESSS....I think that's it too! I think that my H has a really hard time dealing with emotional intimacy like a normal person and so he's upset with himself (me?) for making him break down or something. Thank you - I guess I'm seeking some validation of my own thoughts on the matter.

 

[gcvmom]

Okay, well if embarrassing is what you want, here's my experience...

My husband is usually the way you are the next day -- all happy and everything's right with the world, ready for another helping, all that fun stuff.

And I usually am too, UNLESS... unless I've had too many toe curlers in one night, Know what I mean?? I get an overload of ecstasy and I'm a royal b!tch the next day. Weird, huh?

 

[Hound dog]

Well, now if we wanna get embarrassing.............. *snort*

What do you do when it's be soooooooo long that husband's equipment seems to have forgotten what it's supposed to do? So you start to figure why bother in the first place?

Oh, and for the record, the medications don't do a thing except make it worse cuz then he feels really embarrassed when they don't work.

My libito with husband is gone. Weird as I used to have a thru the roof labito.

Poor man is pulling year long dry patches, and I could care less. *sigh*

Oh, and for the record. husband would act like that too in the past with the equipment was fine, most especially if it wasn't his idea in the first place.

 

[flutterbee]

Ladies, ladies.....One word:

batteries

 

[Abbey]

'Nuff said.

Abbey

 

[busywend]

Oh MamaSuz!!! You have more corner dwellers!!

JK - I personally think it has to do with hormones. I blame everything on hormones. They mess with you!

 

[SRL]

I went looking for answers to this a few years ago myself--found no solutions but I did find it's more common than one might think. Our culture touts the oversexed male image so when you find yourself with one who doesn't have much of an appetite it's sure hard on the self-esteem. There was an article about it this past year on one of the major online news sites.

Sometimes there are legitimate, easier to root out reasons such as low testosterone levels (which can be helped by a patch). I also know of a couple who struggled with this for years and the man just revealed he was gay and moved out.

More often I think answers are more elusive, though.

 

[nvts]

maybe he "just wanted to be held"...

 

[hearts and roses]

Lisa, I will admit that for a while there, I couldn't care less either. And H won't take pills.

Heather - I soooo agree. I have a niece 'in the business' so I get an updated catalog every so often - interesting stuff!

Busy & SRL - I recently made H go for his physical and had all his levels checked. They all checked out within normal range. He claims it's just that he's exhausted from his work, which I will admit it very exhausting...but man, after two days rest?? I'd even take a weekly appointment at this point!

NVTS - Nope.

Well, it helps to know I'm not alone. In the meantime, I think I'm outta batteries.

 

[Marguerite]

If you can't talk about it with him then that makes it difficult. Maybe it's related - he's not one to let himself go, he's probably constantly 'in control' and a passionate night makes him feel out of control, even a little, and it scares him. Then he's angry with himself for feeling bad, then he's angry with you for being part of it, then he's feeling guilty for being angry with you - and so on.

Back when we first married, we were in close contact with friends who also married at around the same time - two couples in particular. They talked to each other a lot about marriage problems especially in the bedroom. I'm not the talkative kind because where sex is concerned I'm a much more private person. besides, we had no problems in tat department. Not like these two couples. But I heard about it all, from one of the wives (who has always felt free to talk!)

And here is the interesting thing - both wives had problems similar to yours (except they rarely were floating on air the morning after, because the entire event was as quick as possible then the blokes rolled over and went to sleep, or vanished into the computer room for the rest of the night).

The theory we came up with at the time, especially after one of the wives talking to other wives at the private school where her husband taught - it was guilt-based. There are a number of religions which use a lot of guilt in their teaching, and both these men had attended private church schools for their entire schooling. In this case, both men were Catholic but you could maybe say similar things about any one of a number of other groups too (including Sydney Anglican, these days).

That's not to say ALL young Catholic boys are raised to have major hang-ups about sexual pleasure (even within marriage) but these guys did. They had been thoroughly indoctrinated from very young, to view sex as dirty, as something to be ashamed of, as something they should not let themselves enjoy.

Since then one couple is still married, the other divorced after less than ten years. A major factor in the divorce was his increasing withdrawal from his wife especially in matters of sex. And instead of talking about any problems, he would instead spend more and more time on his computer.
He had no sexual dysfunction, but her needs were simply too great for him to accept or be able to supply. She had an affair and then made her choice - her new boyfriend. They are still in contact with each other, she sent their younger daughter to live with him because she couldn't manage the girl. He has been in a happy relationship with the same woman for 20 years now, so clearly he's able to maintain a relationship.

So that's my theory - consider guilt combined with a repressive background, possibly with a religious, restrictive, "Thou shalt not" upbringing.

Marg

 

[hearts and roses]

Marg, you are definitely on to something here. I wasn't thinking of it now, but in the past we've had discussions about sex, what we like, what we don't, that sort of thing. And H always, in a half heartedly joking manners ended the conversation with, "Shhh, we're not supposed to TALK about it!" and based on stories he's told me about his VERY Catholic mother, it doesn't surprise me in the least that this could be part of the problem. Also, if we follow in our parents footsteps, then that evidence as well. His parents do not sleep together, and from what I've witnessed, they haven't in a very long time. And I think his dad has an alcoholic related prostrate/impotence issue. He once peed himself while we were out for a day...but both father in law and mother in law acted like it was nothing out of the ordinary for him to be walking about with a pee stain on the front of his shorts. It was odd. I pointed it out to H and he just sort of shrugged it off.

I should say that up until about 6 years ago, H and I were very active in the bedroom, always left very satisfied. But he's always refused to 'talk about it', he's always been more of a 'missionary-type' guy, and he's usually been put off if I want to try something new. Yep, Marg, I think this could be a part of it. Incidentally, I was raised in a very sexually charged home and sex was talked about all the time - not exactly in the healthiest way, but there was no taboo. And we were supposedly Catholic, but very non-traditional.

 

[DammitJanet]

Jo...I think you may be onto something.

I dont know where we fall on your scale...except I think we are in the desert right now...lol. Sometimes it seems we are happier with each other the following day/s. Sometimes not. I think we both have some issues in the bedroom that we may never get over because the minute we start to talk about them we get mad at each other. Not the most conducive atmosphere to working out a problem. I think our problem is we both feel at fault for whatever is wrong.

Sex and money are the biggest issues in a marriage and Im lacking in both of them! LOL.

 

[Star*]

This isn't embarrassing -

But being 40ish and walking around cracking a whip while doning leather boostier, garters, and cabbie hat, yelling DOWN ON YOUR KNEES Dog.....just doesn't have the same appeal it once did.

and in all honesty

I'm at the age where if I want a turn on? I get someone to come clean my house FOR me. It's not a toe curler - but it sure makes me smile for days.

 

[hearts and roses]

I'm at the age where if I want a turn on? I get someone to come clean my house FOR me. It's not a toe curler - but it sure makes me smile for days.

I know! When H mows the lawn and especially if he weed wacks, I can't help but get all steamed up....lol

 

[gcvmom]

Oooooooh, I'm right there with ya Star! Nothin' like a shiny house to put me in the mood... maybe if husband figured this one out, he'd be the happiest man on earth...

 

[Star*]

Well - if you stare longingly into each others eyes after a night out on the lake and you say to him in that come hither voice

"you know what really rocks my boat?"

and he says

"OMG YOU HAVE A BOAT AND We are SITTING HERE on the shore fishing? GHEEZ Star - "

You may have bigger problems.

 

[Fran]

I always figured that once the urge was satiated that they move on to other things until the urge returns.(24 to 48 hrs later)
Sort of a Mars/Venus thing. Life is good when the planets are aligned.

 

[SRL]

I always figured that once the urge was satiated that they move on to other things until the urge returns.(24 to 48 hrs later)
Sort of a Mars/Venus thing. Life is good when the planets are aligned.

Normally, but sometimes one goes off on an extended orbit and it's 1-2 years later until Mars is in the mood for a fly by again.