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Slowly Breaking Me Down
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 625789" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>You are in the midst of changing yourself, CA. It is a transitional place that you are in, and it takes very hard work. You are ready to do the work, I can hear and see that in your writing.</p><p></p><p>You are filling your mind with new ways of thinking. The more you do that, the more you use the tools of recovery, whatever those are for you---multiple things that fit different times and situations---the better you will become. The healthier you will become. </p><p></p><p>You are setting boundaries with your phone. That is huge. </p><p></p><p>Make yourself a "cheat sheet" that gives you all kinds of the following: key quotes, reminders, things to say or write to difficult child, the Serenity Prayer, etc. Keep it to one sheet of paper. Make multiple copies and put one in your purse, one on the bathroom mirror, one in the car taped to the dashboard, one on the refrigerator. </p><p></p><p>These thoughts and ideas become your mantra. The more you read and repeat and remind yourself of these new truths, the more they will literally and actually create new neural pathways in your brain. Soon this will be your new reality. </p><p></p><p>It's like: we are what we eat.</p><p></p><p>We are what we think.</p><p></p><p>Read, write, etc. Buy yourself flowers, take a walk, take a nap, take a break. Do nice things, small things and big things for yourself. Laugh. Read a joke (I can't tell jokes for the life of me, but I can laugh at a joke!). </p><p></p><p>This is creating the new ways of doing and thinking....and ultimately of being...that will allow us to experience joy, peace, serenity and contentment REGARDLESS of what difficult child says or does, does not say or does not do.</p><p></p><p>I spent years waiting to hear that my difficult child had a plan. Some sort of plan. Any kind of plan. Something! Anything! Please. </p><p></p><p>Reality: He tells me what I want to hear.</p><p></p><p>I have had to teach myself and teach him little by little, month by month, year by year that finally, today, I mean what I say. Even if it kills me, I will not go to the store and buy a bag of food and hand it to him. I will take him one bottle of water and one energy bar that I already have here. That is what I did last time. I so wanted to go and buy him all kinds of things---but what message does that send? He, who eats three free meals a day on weekdays at shelters and two on the weekends, and also has food stamps. giving him a bag of food is saying, I'm still in the game with you. I'm still doing and gonna do things for you. Maybe next time I won't even take the energy bar and bottle of water.</p><p></p><p>It is so way past time, CA, for my difficult child, who is nearly 25 years old, to FIGURE. IT. OUT.</p><p></p><p>If you make a decision NOT to do something and you tell him that, try with all of your might and God's might behind you, to keep that decision. If you don't, you are setting yourself and him back. </p><p></p><p>Given that, you can change your mind at any time with new information, CA. That is always your prerogative as an adult. </p><p></p><p>It's hard to hold both of those things constant, but you can do it, with a lot of work.</p><p></p><p>Work is what recovery takes. Daily work. Time spent. If we work it, it works. If we don't work it, we do the same things we have always done.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and hope and blessings and prayers to you this day! You are making remarkable progress, CA. I see it and I hear it. Keep the faith. Keep talking to us. We are here for you and for each other.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 625789, member: 17542"] You are in the midst of changing yourself, CA. It is a transitional place that you are in, and it takes very hard work. You are ready to do the work, I can hear and see that in your writing. You are filling your mind with new ways of thinking. The more you do that, the more you use the tools of recovery, whatever those are for you---multiple things that fit different times and situations---the better you will become. The healthier you will become. You are setting boundaries with your phone. That is huge. Make yourself a "cheat sheet" that gives you all kinds of the following: key quotes, reminders, things to say or write to difficult child, the Serenity Prayer, etc. Keep it to one sheet of paper. Make multiple copies and put one in your purse, one on the bathroom mirror, one in the car taped to the dashboard, one on the refrigerator. These thoughts and ideas become your mantra. The more you read and repeat and remind yourself of these new truths, the more they will literally and actually create new neural pathways in your brain. Soon this will be your new reality. It's like: we are what we eat. We are what we think. Read, write, etc. Buy yourself flowers, take a walk, take a nap, take a break. Do nice things, small things and big things for yourself. Laugh. Read a joke (I can't tell jokes for the life of me, but I can laugh at a joke!). This is creating the new ways of doing and thinking....and ultimately of being...that will allow us to experience joy, peace, serenity and contentment REGARDLESS of what difficult child says or does, does not say or does not do. I spent years waiting to hear that my difficult child had a plan. Some sort of plan. Any kind of plan. Something! Anything! Please. Reality: He tells me what I want to hear. I have had to teach myself and teach him little by little, month by month, year by year that finally, today, I mean what I say. Even if it kills me, I will not go to the store and buy a bag of food and hand it to him. I will take him one bottle of water and one energy bar that I already have here. That is what I did last time. I so wanted to go and buy him all kinds of things---but what message does that send? He, who eats three free meals a day on weekdays at shelters and two on the weekends, and also has food stamps. giving him a bag of food is saying, I'm still in the game with you. I'm still doing and gonna do things for you. Maybe next time I won't even take the energy bar and bottle of water. It is so way past time, CA, for my difficult child, who is nearly 25 years old, to FIGURE. IT. OUT. If you make a decision NOT to do something and you tell him that, try with all of your might and God's might behind you, to keep that decision. If you don't, you are setting yourself and him back. Given that, you can change your mind at any time with new information, CA. That is always your prerogative as an adult. It's hard to hold both of those things constant, but you can do it, with a lot of work. Work is what recovery takes. Daily work. Time spent. If we work it, it works. If we don't work it, we do the same things we have always done. Hugs and hope and blessings and prayers to you this day! You are making remarkable progress, CA. I see it and I hear it. Keep the faith. Keep talking to us. We are here for you and for each other. [/QUOTE]
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