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Slowly Breaking Me Down
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 625790" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>CA Mom, you're doing well with waiting. And, to give you a little perspective, YOU have all the power, NOT your difficult child. You can make a plan and carry it through. As soon as your son gets in ANY way disrespectful of you, it is imperative that you end the call. YOU can make it more then 48 hours. Perhaps even one phone call per week, or a system which works for you. We have to retrain our kids out of the dependency on us.</p><p></p><p>The truth is, yes, he is likely to wait until you pull the plug in August. Our difficult child's perceive themselves as having remarkable power to persuade others to give them what they want and usually they simply consider your threats absurd. You wouldn't allow him to starve, he can't even imagine it. And, like the rest of us parents, when you do actually pull the plug, get ready for the onslaught of a tirade the likes of which you haven't seen. A 22 year old man who continues to call his Mom over and over and over again for her to have a pizza sent, or buy him groceries, or co-sign a loan is ridiculous. You have to begin to see the ridiculousness of it all. </p><p></p><p>Something that helped me when I began this journey was a therapist told us that the difference between loving kindness and enabling is you feel good with loving kindness and you feel angry and resentful when you enable. That helped me to begin to see the difference because, truthfully, at that time, all I felt was anger and resentment. I had already over given to such a huge degree that I had no self left, I had given everything away.</p><p></p><p>Since you have a plan in motion for your release from your son's financial responsibilities, I believe the best use of your time will be to work on you and how you can systematically let go. You've already begun by not reacting to every request your son has. Refraining is a term I just learned which is to WAIT and not respond. To be silent A LOT. In the waiting, as you make that happen, your son will begin to have choices and the time to make them without it always being about calling Mom to figure everything out. Keep putting the ball back in to his court, where it belongs.</p><p></p><p>Do not engage with crazy people because you too become crazy. </p><p></p><p>Take the focus you've had on your son and put it on you. Figure out what exactly you are willing to do and what you are NOT willing to do. Be honest with yourself about it, not what you think you SHOULD do, but what you truly want to do. Leave all the shoulds out of it. Once our kids are adults there are no more shoulds. Setting boundaries around his behavior will empower you and give him the time to figure things out on his own. Or not. He may not make one move towards his own autonomy but you can make many, many moves towards yours. </p><p></p><p>I hope you are getting some kind of support. It is very hard to do this on our own. Hang in there. Keep posting, it helps to clarify where we are and get feedback from others who've been in your shoes.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 625790, member: 13542"] CA Mom, you're doing well with waiting. And, to give you a little perspective, YOU have all the power, NOT your difficult child. You can make a plan and carry it through. As soon as your son gets in ANY way disrespectful of you, it is imperative that you end the call. YOU can make it more then 48 hours. Perhaps even one phone call per week, or a system which works for you. We have to retrain our kids out of the dependency on us. The truth is, yes, he is likely to wait until you pull the plug in August. Our difficult child's perceive themselves as having remarkable power to persuade others to give them what they want and usually they simply consider your threats absurd. You wouldn't allow him to starve, he can't even imagine it. And, like the rest of us parents, when you do actually pull the plug, get ready for the onslaught of a tirade the likes of which you haven't seen. A 22 year old man who continues to call his Mom over and over and over again for her to have a pizza sent, or buy him groceries, or co-sign a loan is ridiculous. You have to begin to see the ridiculousness of it all. Something that helped me when I began this journey was a therapist told us that the difference between loving kindness and enabling is you feel good with loving kindness and you feel angry and resentful when you enable. That helped me to begin to see the difference because, truthfully, at that time, all I felt was anger and resentment. I had already over given to such a huge degree that I had no self left, I had given everything away. Since you have a plan in motion for your release from your son's financial responsibilities, I believe the best use of your time will be to work on you and how you can systematically let go. You've already begun by not reacting to every request your son has. Refraining is a term I just learned which is to WAIT and not respond. To be silent A LOT. In the waiting, as you make that happen, your son will begin to have choices and the time to make them without it always being about calling Mom to figure everything out. Keep putting the ball back in to his court, where it belongs. Do not engage with crazy people because you too become crazy. Take the focus you've had on your son and put it on you. Figure out what exactly you are willing to do and what you are NOT willing to do. Be honest with yourself about it, not what you think you SHOULD do, but what you truly want to do. Leave all the shoulds out of it. Once our kids are adults there are no more shoulds. Setting boundaries around his behavior will empower you and give him the time to figure things out on his own. Or not. He may not make one move towards his own autonomy but you can make many, many moves towards yours. I hope you are getting some kind of support. It is very hard to do this on our own. Hang in there. Keep posting, it helps to clarify where we are and get feedback from others who've been in your shoes. [/QUOTE]
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