Small update on difficult child

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Nancy, Jul 18, 2012.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hadn't seen or heard from difficult child since she came over for her birthday six weeks ago. A couple times I accidentally pocket dialed her and just got the "wats up" response to which I said nothing just pocket dial. I knew from other sources that she quit her job at the hotel which would have given her benefits and good tips and that she was bartending along with hostessing at another bar.

    Yesterday she called at 9am saying that she was at a job interview near us and wanted to know if she could come over to eat something before she had to go back at 11:30. I said of course and she came and made mac and cheese, found a small fan in the basement and a few clothes in her closet that were more appropriate for the job. I asked about her bartending job and she said she quit and decided she doesn't want to bartend anymore. I didn't ask why and I wish I had but I'm not sure I would get the straight answer anyway. I asked if she got approved for food stamps and she said the caseworker never called her and of course she never called the caseworker. She told me her apartment is over 100 degrees and she only has one fan.

    So after she changed clothes and ate she left for the interview. It's through a marketing company selling kitchen cabinets through Home Depot. I don't know much about it but I know enough to know she won't like it and won't be successful and will quit soon so it doesn't matter. During the interview she called husband at the office to ask about the tax papers she had to sign. I felt bad that it was so hot in her apartment so I texted her that I would order a couple fans from Home Depot for store pickup and she could pick them up on the way home. She got them and was very grateful. Then she called husband and asked if he could stop by the apartment and give her gas money until she got paid. He did that and I was ok with it, she may spend it on drugs or alcohol but I don't think so. She really needed gas and she looked good and not strung out or hung over. She's living on a shoe string, told husband all she has money for is to pay something on her rent and electric bill and nothing else.

    When she got home she got the letter approving her for food stamps for $195 a month. At least it's something to help. She has chosen such a hard life for herself.

    I was glad to know she looks good and is at least looking for decent employment. She asked of she could come with us to the family reunion in August and I said yes. That will be a fun 2 1/2 hour ride with her and easy child.

  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Glad you got to see that she is ok. Sounds like she still has some "get up and go" in her and it is great that she looked well to you. I kinda had to smile that she asked about the reunion next month. Let's hope that means she plans to be doing well in the future. Fingers crossed. DDD
  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nancy, that was actually a pretty good update. It sounds like she is trying to find a more stable job and has been able to survive on her own even if not the lifestyle that we all want for our children. It amazes me how easily your difficult child can get a job. Don't any of them ask about her work history?

    It sounds like she is reaching out to you by asking to go to the family reunion. I'm glad you said yes but I know that you realize there is a very good chance that she will back out. I can't even count how many times my difficult child said she would go somewhere with us only to back out at the last second.

  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kathy I am amazed at how easily she finds jobs too, although these jobs are not the most desireable and I suspect this latest one is a tier scheme, where she has to bring so many people in to be salespeople and then she becomes their manager. I don't interfere, she will find this out on her own. I don't know what happened to the bartending job but I'm sure there's a story there. She was gung ho on bartending so if she just didn't like this place I figured she would go somewhere else so I don't know what soured her. Although her and a cash register should never come in contact with each other.

    Actually I would be ok if she backed out. I was not going to remind her of the reunion since her relationships with her aunts/uncles/cousins are somewhat estranged since they don't have difficult child's and don't know what's it's like to have one. But since she brought it up I wasn't going to discourage it. There is a good possibility she may have to work at this new job anyway so I'm not counting on her going.

  5. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    You're doing all the right things, Nancy. You show such restraint. Even though I know it's not helpful, I'd have to bite my tongue not to say to come over and sleep in the air conditioning, here's some extra money, here's gift cards to Macy's for appropriate clothes, yada, yada. I give you a lot of credit.

    It's so hard when they choose this tough road, but she sure is resilient. I'd last about 4 minutes in a hot apt., living on scraps, quitting jobs, but they bounce right back. One day, I'll bet she's going to see this life for what it really is, and pull through and straighten out. She's so strong, if she just applies herself to the right things, she can really do it. It's up to her.

    I wonder why she wants to go to the reunion unprompted and unforced by you? Don't you think that's a good sign?
  6. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Nancy, I know it's so easy to focus on all the wrong things in her life. been there done that, have the tee-shirt - I am right there with you. But it seems you saw some glimpses of your daughter within the difficult child. Hold on to that... I know it's not easy and it's not ENOUGH. But it is SOMETHING; and small somethings sometimes are the roots that can take hold.

  7. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Good on many fronts, Nancy. You handled it all beautifully. I'm glad she asked about the reunion. In her heart of hearts she really does wnat her family. It's just so hard for difficult children sometimes to show that ...and especially adopted difficult children. My difficult child really does love her cousins and aunts, but being around them is hard on her because all the cousins are reaching their milestones and being cheered on by the entire family. She never says anything, but I know it hurts. She has said,from time to time, that she feels so different.

    Every time we connect in a positive way with our difficult children, it's a cause for celebrtation.
  8. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest


    I'm so glad your time with her went well. She's making steps, remember?

    Will be thinking of you during your upcoming surgery. Hope all goes perfect!
  9. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Nancy, Im so glad she reached out to you. I'm glad you saw her looking well. She needs her family and hopefully she will see this as she matures and be thankful. You handled it all so well.