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General Parenting
So Angry at All the Lying, Stealing and Sneaking
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 271810" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>The problem is, the therapist sees that the child wants "me" time with dad and thinks this will fix it all. it won't. Because although the child does want the bonding time, and the bonding time is a good thing, it's not fixing the underlying problem. it's just putting a patch over a huge gaping wound that requires surgery.</p><p></p><p>When you have achild who is haemorrhaging emotionally, they need a massive transfusion and not simply a band-aid. Needness that is a bottomless pit, is neediness whose underlying cause is not being addressed. Which means the underlying cause is NOT "insufficient time with dad".</p><p></p><p>My sister went through this with her adopted daughter. The girl had been removed from her bio-parents due to neglect. My sister got her at 7 months old, after the baby's third hospitalisation for malnutrition. We all beleived that lots of love and feeding up would fix any problems after that, but we now know that some wounds run too deep. She was an emotional black hole and would sabotage (and steal from) her younger sister (my sister's natural child). It was constant. There was alot of jealousy for mum's attention, especially if she felt her sister was getting more of ANYTHING. Younger sis would buy trinkets with her own money earned from part-time job, and the needy one would take it. If it was make-up, she would use it up. If it was sheet music, needy sis would steal it and not let younger sis have it back until needy sis was proficient in playing it first. She had to be first, she had to be better, she had to have more.</p><p></p><p>The problem needs to be identified back to its roots, and the child needs active therapy to help them identify WHAT their behaviour is, and what has caused it. They then need help to identify any thoughts and behaviours that arise from the cause, and to help thme rehears and practice strategies to help them find alternative behaviours. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.</p><p></p><p>And while an expert therapist who knows how to help you with this is best, if you feel you can help your child in this yourself, then do it. If whatever you are doing is not working, then this is a sign that the problem itself is not being addressed.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes what you are doing may not seem to be working, but could in fact be preventing a problem getting worse. </p><p></p><p>I would suggest - as a first step, talk to the therapist about the bottomless pit, point out that spending time with dad is all very well but it's the band-aid to a gaping belly wound and you respectfully require more drastic and immediate triage. See how tihs goes. Because as things are going currently, you just can't keep it up. A child (or any individual) who has an overwhelming need that simply cannot be met, is going to grow up to be an adult who drains the life out of every relationship tey're in, unless the problem is identified, made known to them and some practical behaviour alternatives presented to them and regularly practised.</p><p></p><p>We all know such emotional cripples. Some of them get healed in adulthood (like my sister's daughter - she's doing great now). But to give them the best chance, we need to get to the problems as early as we can, and get right to the heart of the problems as soon as we can (and as soon as they are sufficiently capable of understanding it). If we don't, then the childrisks growing up into the sort of person we cross the street to avoid.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 271810, member: 1991"] The problem is, the therapist sees that the child wants "me" time with dad and thinks this will fix it all. it won't. Because although the child does want the bonding time, and the bonding time is a good thing, it's not fixing the underlying problem. it's just putting a patch over a huge gaping wound that requires surgery. When you have achild who is haemorrhaging emotionally, they need a massive transfusion and not simply a band-aid. Needness that is a bottomless pit, is neediness whose underlying cause is not being addressed. Which means the underlying cause is NOT "insufficient time with dad". My sister went through this with her adopted daughter. The girl had been removed from her bio-parents due to neglect. My sister got her at 7 months old, after the baby's third hospitalisation for malnutrition. We all beleived that lots of love and feeding up would fix any problems after that, but we now know that some wounds run too deep. She was an emotional black hole and would sabotage (and steal from) her younger sister (my sister's natural child). It was constant. There was alot of jealousy for mum's attention, especially if she felt her sister was getting more of ANYTHING. Younger sis would buy trinkets with her own money earned from part-time job, and the needy one would take it. If it was make-up, she would use it up. If it was sheet music, needy sis would steal it and not let younger sis have it back until needy sis was proficient in playing it first. She had to be first, she had to be better, she had to have more. The problem needs to be identified back to its roots, and the child needs active therapy to help them identify WHAT their behaviour is, and what has caused it. They then need help to identify any thoughts and behaviours that arise from the cause, and to help thme rehears and practice strategies to help them find alternative behaviours. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. And while an expert therapist who knows how to help you with this is best, if you feel you can help your child in this yourself, then do it. If whatever you are doing is not working, then this is a sign that the problem itself is not being addressed. Sometimes what you are doing may not seem to be working, but could in fact be preventing a problem getting worse. I would suggest - as a first step, talk to the therapist about the bottomless pit, point out that spending time with dad is all very well but it's the band-aid to a gaping belly wound and you respectfully require more drastic and immediate triage. See how tihs goes. Because as things are going currently, you just can't keep it up. A child (or any individual) who has an overwhelming need that simply cannot be met, is going to grow up to be an adult who drains the life out of every relationship tey're in, unless the problem is identified, made known to them and some practical behaviour alternatives presented to them and regularly practised. We all know such emotional cripples. Some of them get healed in adulthood (like my sister's daughter - she's doing great now). But to give them the best chance, we need to get to the problems as early as we can, and get right to the heart of the problems as soon as we can (and as soon as they are sufficiently capable of understanding it). If we don't, then the childrisks growing up into the sort of person we cross the street to avoid. Marg [/QUOTE]
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