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So angry at husband - vent
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<blockquote data-quote="witzend" data-source="post: 369273" data-attributes="member: 99"><p>I'm not sure I understand your first sentence?</p><p></p><p>K has been around for years and has had many discussions with me regarding Allan's general malaise and the frustration it causes us. She knows about all of the surgeries for snoring and that the goal was for him to not be so tired all of the time that he can't contribute to our daily lives. She knows about all of the sleep tests, stress tests, thyroid tests, testosterone treatments, anti-depressants, diabetes tests, pre-diabetes diets, the weeks in bed using vacation time because he put his back out doing something simple because he's out of shape and can't even bend over without putting his back out, the years of marriage counseling dealing with his addiction to video gaming and his inability to participate in our household's needs without constant riding by me. So, I agree (or is it disagree?), I don't see any way that my friends would think that my saying "husband and I have been fighting because he's totally out of it and won't do any of the things he promises me that he will do and nothing gets done around my house and I'm working myself to the bone trying to keep him going or even get him out of bed and no it's not depression" means I want him to go work weekends at their house for the next month and a half.</p><p></p><p>I don't see how <em>anyone anywhere</em> would think that it would be of help to tell your husband that he should ask your friend's husband to help you build a deck in your back yard for the next six weeks because you think he needs to get out of the house. No one anywhere in this situation said that husband needed to get out of the house. All that was said was that he is physically ill and unable to help around <em>our</em> house, and that I am physically ill and unable to keep up and this is causing us to fight.</p><p></p><p>He's always been this way, but it took me decades to see it. When we first married, he worked sales on his feet 6 days a week. Then he became a letter carrier and worked odd hours and lots of overtime. I assumed the other roles because I figured he was just tired. That's not the case now. He's at a desk job, and gets 6 weeks of vacation a year. I'm much less able bodied than I was and going downhill. He knows this is going on, but he just doesn't make the connection. The result of therapy was that we agreed that he would do what I asked because he's not good at planning and wouldn't feel like I was angry at him because I have to repeat myself, and I would repeat myself and not get angry that I have to repeat myself because he's not good at holding a thought for anyone other than himself for more than the moment the other person is talking. He agreed to check with me to be sure that there wasn't something he had forgotten or needed to be done. No way did it include he goes to work at a friend's house the entire summer when he can't or won't do anything he promised me he would do for us.</p><p></p><p>Believe me, there's plenty of anger to go around. I should have stood my ground with my friend when she told me what she had done. I should have told her, "I'm sorry you misunderstood. That won't help. Please do not have your husband call my husband for help. Please feel free to invite us for dinner or to go out if you think we need to get out of the house." I'm angry at my friend for putting me on the spot not just once for bringing it up, not just twice for not backing down when I said "if he goes to your house to do work he'll never do anything here for me", but three times by going ahead and having her husband not only call and ask for help for the one day she told me about, but to force the issue into "don't worry, I'll be working on it for at least six weeks, you can help any time" so that they could rescue him from his unhappy life with me.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="witzend, post: 369273, member: 99"] I'm not sure I understand your first sentence? K has been around for years and has had many discussions with me regarding Allan's general malaise and the frustration it causes us. She knows about all of the surgeries for snoring and that the goal was for him to not be so tired all of the time that he can't contribute to our daily lives. She knows about all of the sleep tests, stress tests, thyroid tests, testosterone treatments, anti-depressants, diabetes tests, pre-diabetes diets, the weeks in bed using vacation time because he put his back out doing something simple because he's out of shape and can't even bend over without putting his back out, the years of marriage counseling dealing with his addiction to video gaming and his inability to participate in our household's needs without constant riding by me. So, I agree (or is it disagree?), I don't see any way that my friends would think that my saying "husband and I have been fighting because he's totally out of it and won't do any of the things he promises me that he will do and nothing gets done around my house and I'm working myself to the bone trying to keep him going or even get him out of bed and no it's not depression" means I want him to go work weekends at their house for the next month and a half. I don't see how [I]anyone anywhere[/I] would think that it would be of help to tell your husband that he should ask your friend's husband to help you build a deck in your back yard for the next six weeks because you think he needs to get out of the house. No one anywhere in this situation said that husband needed to get out of the house. All that was said was that he is physically ill and unable to help around [I]our[/I] house, and that I am physically ill and unable to keep up and this is causing us to fight. He's always been this way, but it took me decades to see it. When we first married, he worked sales on his feet 6 days a week. Then he became a letter carrier and worked odd hours and lots of overtime. I assumed the other roles because I figured he was just tired. That's not the case now. He's at a desk job, and gets 6 weeks of vacation a year. I'm much less able bodied than I was and going downhill. He knows this is going on, but he just doesn't make the connection. The result of therapy was that we agreed that he would do what I asked because he's not good at planning and wouldn't feel like I was angry at him because I have to repeat myself, and I would repeat myself and not get angry that I have to repeat myself because he's not good at holding a thought for anyone other than himself for more than the moment the other person is talking. He agreed to check with me to be sure that there wasn't something he had forgotten or needed to be done. No way did it include he goes to work at a friend's house the entire summer when he can't or won't do anything he promised me he would do for us. Believe me, there's plenty of anger to go around. I should have stood my ground with my friend when she told me what she had done. I should have told her, "I'm sorry you misunderstood. That won't help. Please do not have your husband call my husband for help. Please feel free to invite us for dinner or to go out if you think we need to get out of the house." I'm angry at my friend for putting me on the spot not just once for bringing it up, not just twice for not backing down when I said "if he goes to your house to do work he'll never do anything here for me", but three times by going ahead and having her husband not only call and ask for help for the one day she told me about, but to force the issue into "don't worry, I'll be working on it for at least six weeks, you can help any time" so that they could rescue him from his unhappy life with me. [/QUOTE]
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