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So angry I can't even see straight!!!
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<blockquote data-quote="rlsnights" data-source="post: 315595" data-attributes="member: 7948"><p>A belated welcome to the board. Sorry you need the help but glad you found us. I tend to write really long replies so bear with me.</p><p></p><p>I read a couple of your other posts and it sounds like you've gotten good advice from folks about seeking help through the school before he blows up there and things get really ugly in the one place that is neutral ground.</p><p></p><p>I understand why you are very angry and hurt about not getting to speak with your son. It's more than aggravating to be denied that basic level of contact with a child of 7. And I'm totally with you on the cell phone thing.</p><p></p><p>I guess I would only have one piece of advice for you - take it FWIW. That is to try to state things in your e-mails in a more neutral and clinical way if you can. It's like when you're dealing with the SD and there's extreme disagreement. It's almost like the bigger the disagreement the more polite and neutral the communication needs to be so that one side cannot accuse the other of exaggeration and/or make them look like they're out of line and "emotional".</p><p></p><p>Perhaps you could send your EX an e-mail that lays out a proposed phone schedule that gives a range of time within which you will call daily (if you haven't done so already). Perhaps you will call between 7 and 8 pm Sunday through Thursday (school nights where one would normally be expecting a child his age to be getting ready for bed) and 8 to 9 on Friday and Saturday if they let him stay up later on those nights.</p><p></p><p>No discussion about whether it's fair or unfair, whether you have the right to talk to your son. It's assumed that a mother who cares about her child will want and has the right to daily phone contact. Not up for discussion. Don't invite him to give you different times, etc. Lots of families live with huge upheavals in their schedules because of divorce. He should be grateful he has it so easy - phone calls, jeez.</p><p></p><p>If he e-mails back that those times aren't convenient, you can adjust up or down half an hour such if you choose. If not then I would just e-mail back that you're not able to change the times and would he prefer to go back to court and ask the judge to set the times?</p><p></p><p>Say it just that way - nothing about how it's unfair or he's keeping your son from you - just do you want to go to court over this?</p><p></p><p>Your goal is to make you look like a rational adult and him like a mean-spirited jerk who is trying to keep you from exercising your right to contact with your child. Therefore you must refrain from using the kind of emotional language that a judge would expect from two people who have an acrimonious divorce. You want to take the high ground.</p><p></p><p>Usually it's enough to just state plainly what's going on without any value judgement attached. Judges can read between the lines just fine.</p><p></p><p>In this case you can say "As previously agreed, I called tonight to speak with difficult child at 7:30 pm. You told me my son was at home but was not available to speak with me. You stated that you would not allow my son to return my call this evening. You told me to call back tomorrow night to speak to difficult child." </p><p></p><p>After 4 or 5 of these kinds of e-mails in a couple weeks you might add something like</p><p></p><p>"This is the fifth time since XX/XX/XXXX that my son has not been available to speak with me as agreed. I assume that we need to contact a mediator or seek a court date to resolve this issue."</p><p></p><p>As for the school issues, you might want to let him know you are watching what's up there if you haven't already. For example (if this is an accurate recap of your conversation with the teacher) you might e-mail him </p><p></p><p>"I spoke with Ms. ABC, difficult child's 2nd grade teacher, this morning. Ms. ABC reported that difficult child is very impulsive during class and is bullying other children during recess. </p><p></p><p>Ms. ABC specifically expressed concern about difficult child's conflict with a 7 yo student in another class. She reported that difficult child is bullying the other child and has threatened to kill the other child. She also reports that difficult child does not appear remorseful about this behavior nor does he appear to understand the seriousness of making such threats. In her professional judgment, Ms. ABC is concerned that difficult child may become violent at school. </p><p></p><p>Given the seriousness of this situation and Ms. ABC's concerns about the potential for difficult child to become violent at school I have contacted Dr. so and so (pediatrician would be best to put in here) with this information. Since time is of the essence, I asked Dr. so and so to refer our son immediately for an appropriate evaluation."</p><p></p><p>I wouldn't go into what's going to happen after you get a referral. And I would be prepared to negotiate with EX about what doctor does the evaluation. you might want to have someone to offer first who would be OK but not your real first choice. Then you can appear to give in when EX objects to that one and offer the other. If he objects again then HE is the one who looks unreasonable not you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rlsnights, post: 315595, member: 7948"] A belated welcome to the board. Sorry you need the help but glad you found us. I tend to write really long replies so bear with me. I read a couple of your other posts and it sounds like you've gotten good advice from folks about seeking help through the school before he blows up there and things get really ugly in the one place that is neutral ground. I understand why you are very angry and hurt about not getting to speak with your son. It's more than aggravating to be denied that basic level of contact with a child of 7. And I'm totally with you on the cell phone thing. I guess I would only have one piece of advice for you - take it FWIW. That is to try to state things in your e-mails in a more neutral and clinical way if you can. It's like when you're dealing with the SD and there's extreme disagreement. It's almost like the bigger the disagreement the more polite and neutral the communication needs to be so that one side cannot accuse the other of exaggeration and/or make them look like they're out of line and "emotional". Perhaps you could send your EX an e-mail that lays out a proposed phone schedule that gives a range of time within which you will call daily (if you haven't done so already). Perhaps you will call between 7 and 8 pm Sunday through Thursday (school nights where one would normally be expecting a child his age to be getting ready for bed) and 8 to 9 on Friday and Saturday if they let him stay up later on those nights. No discussion about whether it's fair or unfair, whether you have the right to talk to your son. It's assumed that a mother who cares about her child will want and has the right to daily phone contact. Not up for discussion. Don't invite him to give you different times, etc. Lots of families live with huge upheavals in their schedules because of divorce. He should be grateful he has it so easy - phone calls, jeez. If he e-mails back that those times aren't convenient, you can adjust up or down half an hour such if you choose. If not then I would just e-mail back that you're not able to change the times and would he prefer to go back to court and ask the judge to set the times? Say it just that way - nothing about how it's unfair or he's keeping your son from you - just do you want to go to court over this? Your goal is to make you look like a rational adult and him like a mean-spirited jerk who is trying to keep you from exercising your right to contact with your child. Therefore you must refrain from using the kind of emotional language that a judge would expect from two people who have an acrimonious divorce. You want to take the high ground. Usually it's enough to just state plainly what's going on without any value judgement attached. Judges can read between the lines just fine. In this case you can say "As previously agreed, I called tonight to speak with difficult child at 7:30 pm. You told me my son was at home but was not available to speak with me. You stated that you would not allow my son to return my call this evening. You told me to call back tomorrow night to speak to difficult child." After 4 or 5 of these kinds of e-mails in a couple weeks you might add something like "This is the fifth time since XX/XX/XXXX that my son has not been available to speak with me as agreed. I assume that we need to contact a mediator or seek a court date to resolve this issue." As for the school issues, you might want to let him know you are watching what's up there if you haven't already. For example (if this is an accurate recap of your conversation with the teacher) you might e-mail him "I spoke with Ms. ABC, difficult child's 2nd grade teacher, this morning. Ms. ABC reported that difficult child is very impulsive during class and is bullying other children during recess. Ms. ABC specifically expressed concern about difficult child's conflict with a 7 yo student in another class. She reported that difficult child is bullying the other child and has threatened to kill the other child. She also reports that difficult child does not appear remorseful about this behavior nor does he appear to understand the seriousness of making such threats. In her professional judgment, Ms. ABC is concerned that difficult child may become violent at school. Given the seriousness of this situation and Ms. ABC's concerns about the potential for difficult child to become violent at school I have contacted Dr. so and so (pediatrician would be best to put in here) with this information. Since time is of the essence, I asked Dr. so and so to refer our son immediately for an appropriate evaluation." I wouldn't go into what's going to happen after you get a referral. And I would be prepared to negotiate with EX about what doctor does the evaluation. you might want to have someone to offer first who would be OK but not your real first choice. Then you can appear to give in when EX objects to that one and offer the other. If he objects again then HE is the one who looks unreasonable not you. [/QUOTE]
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