SO angry with easy child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Kjs, Aug 23, 2007.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    or atleast I thought he was easy child. He has become so moody recently. Has NO idea how to handle money. Because he is so irrisponsible with his bills, I pay his car insurance and cell phone bill, and he is to give me a check each month. Seems as if he "forgets" some months and it makes me angry. I do not have the money to put up for him.

    He lives away half the week and home half the week(work). He now has a girlfriend (who never speaks).

    He lost his wallet about 3 weeks ago, atm card was in there.
    He never opens his mail. I leave it sit for months, then after a collection of it I just toss it out. Most are bank statements(or I thought). Monday (he left early am to go back to his other home) I was going through the mail, and felt his bank card in one of the bank letters. So, I opened it and put it aside. Then, before I tossed out all his other bank letters I thought maybe one would be his PIN number, so I opened them. I was thinking it was either a PIN number or bank statement. Wrong. No PIN number, 4 overdrafts ($31 fee for each) and a bank statement. He eats out almost every single thing on his bank statement was from a restaurant.

    Two weeks ago he came up north to our cottage with girlfriend and no money(reason: no atm card) So, I gave him mine and told him to write me out a check. Well, he "forgot" . Then he went to the foot doctor and I gave him $25 for co-pay. I went to foot doctor on Tuesday and was told he never paid the co-pay. He never gave me back the money either.

    I talked to him on the phone and told him I was tossing out the unopened mail and felt his bank card so I opened that. Then I told him before tossing out the other unopened mail I checked to see if his PIN number came. He chewed me out for opening his mail and stated I will "never" use HIS bank card. (but he can use mine???) I hung up on him. I was so angry I just wanted to cry. he is a month behind on car insurance/cell phone. and next months is due. If I left it up to him he would not have insurance and he doesn't realize how dangerous that could be since he travels so much for work. He will also lose medical insurance as of January due to age. He has no benifits at his job and has no intention of "paying" for insurance.

    I just don't know how to make him realize HOW to manage his money.

    Sorry...just SOOOO angry right now.

    Also, he gets upset if I clean his room. But with all the rain recently and dampness, I had to pick up his dirty clothes he had thrown about his room (in basement). Also changed his bedding and dusted. I am sure he will chew me out for this too.
    He has no idea how hard it is to manage just our household finances without dealing with his too.
     
  2. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">If I left it up to him he would not have insurance and he doesn't realize how dangerous that could be since he travels so much for work. He will also lose medical insurance as of January due to age. He has no benifits at his job and has no intention of "paying" for insurance.

    I just don't know how to make him realize HOW to manage his money.
    </div></div>

    If this guy is 24 I would be removing the "MOMMY BANK" and letting him deal with his finances on his own....if you can't totally remove yourself tell him you won't be making any payments until the money is in your account. NEVER, I repeat, NEVER give your ATM to anyone, let alone someone who cannot keep track of their own bank statements. He isn't keeping an accounting of his finances because he thinks YOU are....

    You may have to wean him off the Mommy Bank, but do it now before he turns difficult child and has no health insurance.

    We tried to pay our sons bills and he would turn over his paycheck....he complied with this, but didn't learn a thing from it.....Your son needs to learn how to swim in the sea of finances, so take off the banker life jacket and let him learn in the shallow end, before he needs money for rent, utilities, life insurance, etc.
     
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I agree totally. Close the bank NOW. Whether you care to admit it or not, he's basically stealing from you when you give him money for certain things and he doesn't use it for that and doesn't return the cash. Also remember that no matter how good the intentions, it is illegal to open another person's mail or even throw it out without their permission.

    So, let him know it is now time for him to handle his own money 100%. You will not pay a bill and expect him to reimburse it. You will write a check for him and hope he will pay you back. You will not pay his co-pays and you will be informing all medical/dental providers that they are to collect the co-pay from him. You will not be responsible for his. At 24, it really is time for him to sink or swim.

    As to his room, I'd let it go. If his clothes get mildewed, well, he'll just have to use his money to buy new clothes. His problem, not yours. If it starts to smell down there, grab a shovel and put his stuff in plastic bags to be trashed and explain that you couldn't have that odor in your home.

    Of course, warm him that this how things will be from now on. And, yes, I know it is easier said than done but he has no reason to even try to learn to manage his money right now. Mommy's doing it for him. He may yell at you for cleaning his room but he knows it will get done and his stuff will be protected from mildew, etc. Do let him know that you simply cannot afford to be his personal loan officer any more and that you certainly shouldn't be his maid. He's not paying you enough to be either!
     
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good lord Kjs...You need to back out of this mess and now!

    I have a just turned 23 year old and I havent been involved in his finances since he was 18! Every now and then a piece of mail may still come to the house for Jamie and I put it in a pile and give it to him when I see him. Or I mail it to him when I get a bunch.

    Its time to wean him off your assistance. There is no reason for you to be involved with his day to day life like this. He is grown. You need to tell him to keep his living area in your house tidy, that you wont be the Bank of Mom anymore, and that you will not be dealing with his car insurance or his cell phone bill any longer. He must make arrangements to pay these bills himself. That is what grown ups do! If coverage for these items lapse...oh well...natural consequences incur. I really have no idea if my son has had a problem with any of these bills because...I AM NOT INVOLVED!!!!
     
  5. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    He has no reason to watch or worry about his finances, because you not only do it, but pick up anything he doesn't feel like paying. Don't open up his mail, just say, "Here ya go". Try that, it will make your life so much easier. He'll be forced to pay his own way, and handle his money. By you doing it, he's getting farther and farther away from doing it on his own. Lecturing doesn't do any good on this topic, they learn by doing. Even now, he may overspend because he knows you will come to his rescue, but stick to your guns. He will test you. You can do it!-Alyssa
     
  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    He has no idea how to handle money. Why should he? You do it for him. Stop.

    He sometimes forgets to write you a check. Why should that be important to him? You are going to pay for it anyways. STOP.

    He leaves his mail sit for months. Let him! Not your problem. Four overdrafts? NOT. YOUR. PROBLEM. STOP!!

    He comes up to the cottage with no money? Oh well. Guess he WRITES YOU A CHECK FIRST or does not get a loan.

    He gets mad if you pick up his room. OK then, this one is easy. DON'T!! My gawd, he is grown, if he can't pick up his own clothes, he deserves to live in a stinky room.

    You don't know how to make him manage his money. Dump it in his lap and make him figure it out. He will sink or swim. Stop saving him, he is a big boy. You have a young son to raise.
     
  7. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    he is 24, like ant. like ant, he overdraws. like ant he should not have anyone cover his behind. stop enabling. cut the cord. maybe no phone to use will wake him up.
     
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm going to be blunt.

    The only way you're going to teach easy child to manage his money is to leave it completely up to HIM. His finances are HIS problem. Natural consequences will take care of the problem.

    My dear sweet mother in law (I love her dearly) bailed my husband out over and over for this and that for over 50 YEARS! husband was just as irresponsible as your son is being. And as long as his mother (and myself) were willing to do all of his worrying and pull his fanny from the fire, he had no reason to change.

    About 8 yrs ago I put a stop to all of it. mother in law is not allowed to hand husband a cent, to help pay a bill, nothing. husband had to come clean with her on everything. (he'd blow money on stuff, then have HER pay the bills)

    Funny thing. husband is not perfect, but he can manage to keep the bills paid, food on the table all by himself. I still keep an eye on things, just to keep him in check.

    Because of my own husband, once my kids turned about 16 they were on their own as far as finanaces. As adults I only offer advice if asked, and I never hand over money or pay a bill.

    Now even Travis who has the maturity of maybe a 15 yr old can STILL manage to PAY his bills.

    If you don't hand this over to him, you might still find yourself in this position when he's 40 something.

    Hugs
     
  9. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Well, easy child came home today for his 4 day stay. He knows I am angry and has avoided me. husband didn't say anything to him because he now has a girlfriend and she is attached to his hip! I WILL put all his mail together. If he doesn't take it I will toss it. I am sick of looking at his mail pile up for months and months. I WILL ask for money he owes me.

    As far a cell phone...the two of us are on a contract together. It ends in December and he knows he is on his own then.
     
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