So anxious about Thanksgiving

[JKF]

I'm so nervous and anxious about Thanksgiving! difficult child hasn't been home since July when he threatened to kill me and told the police and nurse at the hospital that he's had a plan for a long time on how exactly he's going to do it. Obviously I've visited him since then and I talk to him almost every single day but he hasn't been in our home since. Now that the holidays are coming up that's about to change. On Thursday we are going to my in-laws for Thanksgiving dinner. Obviously difficult child will be going too. I'm debating on whether to just pick him up and go straight to my in-laws and then take him straight back or if I should pick him up early and let him have some time at home. I'm leaning towards straight to dinner and straight back. He's still completely obsessed with his video games and all he talks about every time he calls is how he's going to use my computer to do this and that to his game system when he comes home on Thurs. NOT HAPPENING! He's destroyed 3 computers in the last year and we've had it. No more!!! I'm also worried about how he'll behave at my in-laws. He has a serious problem with stealing and I'm so nervous!! I just don't want any problems on Thursday. Especially not in front of my in-laws. They are wonderful, understanding people but I just want to have a nice day for once!

 

[Liahona]

What happens if he gets aggressive or steals? Given his history I'd feel better if you weren't alone with him at home telling him no to the computer. At least at the in-laws there is someone else to call 911 if you have to.

 

[klmno]

Are you talking about the 10yo or the 17yo and is he in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or what? It's hard to get a full picture of the setting he's in. Anyway, if he's on medications and in a program it might be less risky than if he's just living with someone else and had no therapy or treatment for this. Either way, I'd make darn sure there were always at least a couple of people around him.

 

[Bunny]

I would make sure that he is never in a room alone and that no one is in a room with him alone. I hope the day goes well for you.

 

[JKF]

klmno- I'm talking about my 17 yo. He's in a PCR (psychiatric community residential) and has been there since September.

Before that he was in the pshop for approx 7 weeks. He's on medications and getting therapy there but he's still the same. Obsessed with computers and video games and very immature for his age and only wants to do what he wants to do. My husband and I decided that we are not bringing him to OUR home on Thursday. We will pick him up at one and go straight to my in-laws home. We will have dinner there and then bring him back. I know he'll "behave" with everyone around but I just get nervous that he's going to do something like steal. It will be very hard for me to relax at all on Thursday because I will have to be on constant watch.

I'm also nervous about Christmas because I'm not comfortable with him spending the night here. Not after the death threats and also because he waits until we're asleep and then goes through our things etc. I'm thinking about picking him up on Christmas morning and just having him spend the day. I feel bad but I don't know what else to do!!! Any suggestions??

 

[klmno]

No- my son is on his second stay in Department of Juvenile Justice for stuff like that and I'm struggling like crazy about what to do when he's released. Your plan sounds good though- that's as much supervision and safety anyone could feasibly do. If he does well, it will help things for both of you. This is what I wanted for my son- and now, I wanted a transitional period like that where it started with a few hours, then a day, then overnight, assuming all went well. So I'm sorry to say, I envy you! (That wasn't meant as a put down to you- it was meant to convey that I'm sorry you are going thru this and that I can't come up witth any suggestions.)

 

[slsh]

JKF - I'm glad you decided not to bring him home on T-day. I think that removes the potential for blow ups over his obsession. As far as the stealing, can you warn in-laws to maybe lock their bedroom/remove valuable items from view? I know it's an inconvenience, and utterly mortifying, but... we have to do what we have to do, you know? And if he does steal? Again, I understand, totally mortifying for you but *not* how you raised him and certainly not your fault. I totally get that you're going to be a nervous wreck, but I hate that your T-day is going to be spent hovering over him. He needs to earn some trust back.

If you don't feel safe with- him sleeping over at Christmas, don't have him do it. I know you feel bad but you absolutely positively have the right to feel safe in your own home. He's really violated your trust and made disturbing threats - it's only reasonable that he has to earn your trust back. It's not going to happen overnight, and it has to be on your timeline.

Your feelings and comfort level matter here.

Many gentle hugs to you.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm glad you decided not to bring him home on T-day too. I was going to say that his visits are probably best spent at home as long as you have somebody big and strong with you and a plan in case he gets violent. It is probably hard for him to maintain with a lot of chaos going on...

Hugs!