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Substance Abuse
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 509731"><p>So, don't make it a moment's notice. I would lay down the line. Right now you are giving him 3 months living at home to get on his feet should he withdraw from school. in my humble opinion - that's overly generous given the behavior he is exhibiting. He could continue to flounder, withdraw from school at mid term (and you may not know - given FERPA law) and add 3 months to that - and it's mid June before you can even begin to address him moving out. That's a long time to live with the ups and downs you are describing. And if he does withdraw, I imagine the downs will become more pronounced. I would take some time and really think out what you can and cannot accept and what you can and cannot live with. </p><p></p><p>And I would definitely make the car off limits -and consider storing it in an undisclosed location. I realize you worry about the state of his friends while driving - but you really need to acknowledge your OWN culpability should your son have a vehicular incident. The car is in your name, you know he is using - that leaves you wide open both ethically and financially.</p><p></p><p>For me - so long as any child of mine is pleasant, pulling their own weight and going to school AND working (p/t), they are welcome to live at home. If they are pleasant, pulling their own weight, not going to school but working FULL time (or actively seeking employment to our satisfaction) - they are welcome to live at home (forever). We will never charge them rent but we will expect them to to contribute to household duties and be thoughtful of the family environment. Should any of my kids be under the influence of substances regularly, engaging in illicit, immoral or illegal behavior, disrespectful, disruptive or disregardful of us, they must move out immediately. Take it or leave it.</p><p></p><p>If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything. </p><p></p><p>I am not a hard nose. Really. And I have made a lot of mistakes. And the biggest one was giving my difficult child way too many second chances and excusing his misbehavior. I thought I was being understanding and loving. Instead, I was actually lowering the bar. Placating him and the situation gave him the power in our relationship. Never again. My home, my sanctuary, my rules. </p><p></p><p>And yes, I have no idea where he is or if he is ok. And I am so brokenhearted. I am not made of stone, I would give anything to change the situation. But the choice boiled down to accepting and enabling and FINANCING his drug use and his lack of regard for us - or standing up for our own morals and ourselves. We chose the latter. (which much help from the wonderful posters here and our own therapist whom we saw 2 times)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 509731"] So, don't make it a moment's notice. I would lay down the line. Right now you are giving him 3 months living at home to get on his feet should he withdraw from school. in my humble opinion - that's overly generous given the behavior he is exhibiting. He could continue to flounder, withdraw from school at mid term (and you may not know - given FERPA law) and add 3 months to that - and it's mid June before you can even begin to address him moving out. That's a long time to live with the ups and downs you are describing. And if he does withdraw, I imagine the downs will become more pronounced. I would take some time and really think out what you can and cannot accept and what you can and cannot live with. And I would definitely make the car off limits -and consider storing it in an undisclosed location. I realize you worry about the state of his friends while driving - but you really need to acknowledge your OWN culpability should your son have a vehicular incident. The car is in your name, you know he is using - that leaves you wide open both ethically and financially. For me - so long as any child of mine is pleasant, pulling their own weight and going to school AND working (p/t), they are welcome to live at home. If they are pleasant, pulling their own weight, not going to school but working FULL time (or actively seeking employment to our satisfaction) - they are welcome to live at home (forever). We will never charge them rent but we will expect them to to contribute to household duties and be thoughtful of the family environment. Should any of my kids be under the influence of substances regularly, engaging in illicit, immoral or illegal behavior, disrespectful, disruptive or disregardful of us, they must move out immediately. Take it or leave it. If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything. I am not a hard nose. Really. And I have made a lot of mistakes. And the biggest one was giving my difficult child way too many second chances and excusing his misbehavior. I thought I was being understanding and loving. Instead, I was actually lowering the bar. Placating him and the situation gave him the power in our relationship. Never again. My home, my sanctuary, my rules. And yes, I have no idea where he is or if he is ok. And I am so brokenhearted. I am not made of stone, I would give anything to change the situation. But the choice boiled down to accepting and enabling and FINANCING his drug use and his lack of regard for us - or standing up for our own morals and ourselves. We chose the latter. (which much help from the wonderful posters here and our own therapist whom we saw 2 times) [/QUOTE]
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