Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
So confused
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 637269" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Okie, welcome. I lived in Tulsa for 13 years fyi so glad to meet you. </p><p></p><p>I hope you have read a lot on this board. If not please read and read. It will help you right now. </p><p></p><p>We basically have to shift our thinking. We love our adult difficult children so much but once they are grown we have to shift our own thinking from "mommy" to "mother." We are not their mommy anymore and they have to learn to take care of themselves. Our mommy job is done.</p><p></p><p>That doesn't mean we have to cut them out of our lives when they act up. It does mean we have to create boundaries and distance and space. We cannot solve their problems for them. They have to learn to solve their own problems and it is very hard to watch and stand by but that is exactly what we have to do for two reasons. One---so they can become an adult. And two---so we can let go and live our own lives. When you find yourself doing and planning and talking about things you want to do for him that he should be doing for himself, you have crossed a boundary and nothing good will come from it.</p><p></p><p>How to do this? It takes a lot of time, hard work, personal growth and patience---all things you will have to work on. You will stumble and that is okay. I'm glad you have a therapy appointment---therapy is a great tool in stopping enabling.</p><p></p><p>Another key learning---your home needs to be your sanctuary. As much as I have wanted to offer my son a night or two or three in my home, I have not. He has asked and I have said no. That is very hard and it costs me a great deal to say no but it is necessary for him and for me.</p><p></p><p>My son is 25 and has been homeless in the town where I live since June 26. There are many services for homeless people and I encourage you to find out about those in your town. Knowing will make you feel better and if you choose, you can share those resources with him. </p><p></p><p>I am seeing progress right now in my son. He has been in jail multiple times for drug charges and has been homeless five different times. This one is the longest. He is now working full time and has been for at least two months. This is the first job he has had in 16 months. </p><p></p><p>People do what they want to do. People "get it" when they get it. there is nothing we can do to speed it up. We have to learn how to live with watching somebody make bad mistakes in their lives over and over and over again and just...let it happen. Adults have a right to live their own lives, make mistakes and take the consequences. We can love him but we have to let them go. We just have to because the alternative does not work.</p><p></p><p>I know how hard it is. Try hard not to react out of your emotional state. Feel your feelings but try not to act on them and I also know how hard that is.</p><p></p><p>You have to change your thinking about your son, starting now. For you. And for him. Letting him go is loving him.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting. We are here for you. We get it and we care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 637269, member: 17542"] Okie, welcome. I lived in Tulsa for 13 years fyi so glad to meet you. I hope you have read a lot on this board. If not please read and read. It will help you right now. We basically have to shift our thinking. We love our adult difficult children so much but once they are grown we have to shift our own thinking from "mommy" to "mother." We are not their mommy anymore and they have to learn to take care of themselves. Our mommy job is done. That doesn't mean we have to cut them out of our lives when they act up. It does mean we have to create boundaries and distance and space. We cannot solve their problems for them. They have to learn to solve their own problems and it is very hard to watch and stand by but that is exactly what we have to do for two reasons. One---so they can become an adult. And two---so we can let go and live our own lives. When you find yourself doing and planning and talking about things you want to do for him that he should be doing for himself, you have crossed a boundary and nothing good will come from it. How to do this? It takes a lot of time, hard work, personal growth and patience---all things you will have to work on. You will stumble and that is okay. I'm glad you have a therapy appointment---therapy is a great tool in stopping enabling. Another key learning---your home needs to be your sanctuary. As much as I have wanted to offer my son a night or two or three in my home, I have not. He has asked and I have said no. That is very hard and it costs me a great deal to say no but it is necessary for him and for me. My son is 25 and has been homeless in the town where I live since June 26. There are many services for homeless people and I encourage you to find out about those in your town. Knowing will make you feel better and if you choose, you can share those resources with him. I am seeing progress right now in my son. He has been in jail multiple times for drug charges and has been homeless five different times. This one is the longest. He is now working full time and has been for at least two months. This is the first job he has had in 16 months. People do what they want to do. People "get it" when they get it. there is nothing we can do to speed it up. We have to learn how to live with watching somebody make bad mistakes in their lives over and over and over again and just...let it happen. Adults have a right to live their own lives, make mistakes and take the consequences. We can love him but we have to let them go. We just have to because the alternative does not work. I know how hard it is. Try hard not to react out of your emotional state. Feel your feelings but try not to act on them and I also know how hard that is. You have to change your thinking about your son, starting now. For you. And for him. Letting him go is loving him. Keep posting. We are here for you. We get it and we care. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
So confused
Top