So, difficult child had a bottle of tequila in the car ...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TerryJ2, Jan 19, 2015.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    And he says it belongs to his new friend, M.
    She was definitely drinking, but what bothers me is that he let her drive like that. :( He took the bottle because he didn't want her to get caught with-it in her car.
    So HE got caught with-it in HIS car. Along with a Starbucks thermos that was used for a cup so M didn't have to drink out of the bottle. Or ... so they could share ...
    Such a bright kid, I tell ya.

    Last night, we told difficult child he could have the car back this week, if he went to a lecture at the local art museum on their new show, which showcases black history, and if he got his grades up. He's already got one grade change that I can see online.

    But he never got to drive the car, because husband found the bottle in difficult child's backpack this a.m.

    I came downstairs at 7:25 to find difficult child on the phone with-his ex-girlfriend, crying. They don't have school today. MLK holiday.
    We sat down on the couch and he "explained" everything.
    I want to believe him. I really do.
    But ...

    He said he can't figure out why everything he does comes out wrong. I suggested that we make the rules and he follow them and maybe things would go right.
    He wasn't so keen on that, but it's not like he's got a choice any more.
    I'm giving him most of the time alone with-the therapist tomorrow. Sigh.
     
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    P.S. This is not his other new friend, H, the Muslim. She just smokes. ;)
     
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Your son should not drive. He is not mature enough or responsible enough. Please allow me to translate this quote into difficult child "speak", " I don't know why I can't get away with these things .Everyone else gets away with it." You now know that he drinks, smokes weed, lies to your face, and has no respect for your rules. Why should he have the same rewards a responsible child has.

     
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  4. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Having just completed a drivers course I can tell you that it is really dangerous to be giving an irresponsible person access to a car.
    You know all the warnings on medication bottles: do not use when operating heavy machinery? A car is heavy machinery!
     
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  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    :thumbsdown:Yep.
    And ... difficult child INSISTS that he does not drink, because his medications say that he should not mix them with alcohol.

    I'm wondering if in his convoluted mind, that's one of the reasons he quit taking his medications over the holidays. He's such a black-and-white thinker--alcohol or prescriptions? Either/or.

    WRONG choice, buddy.

    I'm just so very sad and I love him so much. I just feel like I weigh a million tons. But the sun is out and I've got things to do and I cannot let him bring me down. It's his issue. I'm just happy he's still alive and we'll take it one day at a time.
     
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  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    So familiar.

    "Nothing goes right for me." "I try and try and try and everything turns to s**t." "I can't catch a break, ever."


    I can't count the number of times I've heard this. I've gotten to where I just say, "Don't screw up and things won't come out wrong. This isn't rocket science." :rolleyes:
     
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  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    The victim mentality is a continuing indication of how sick they are. And it's total bs---trying to get our sympathy and help because it has worked so often with us in the past.

    Drug addicts, alcoholics, untreated mental illness---this is a red flag that they are waving, warning us that what follows won't be pretty.

    Over time, my son's credibility was less than zero. I would believe anybody before I believed him, about everything. I cried about that, in my deep grief, because I realized that maybe, he would tell me the truth sometimes, and I wouldn't even know it.

    But it is what it is. They make their own bed and they teach us by their actions, choices and decisions. Drama, chaos and trouble surround them. When they walk into the room, nearly 100 percent of the time, destruction of some sort follows.

    Do your own gut check, and let that be your guide. That is where the real truth resides. We want to rationalize it all so we can trust and believe in them again, just one. more. chance...but our own gut knows the truth.

    Once the victimhood stops, it is like another clear bell ringing. Progress.

    Hang in there, and trust your own instincts.
     
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  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Terry, I have long admired you for being so strong and not giving in and it has helped your son. "I'm holding it for a friend" is the typical answer for a difficult child when they are the ones who did it. My daughter told me that all the time. Was never her. It was him. Or both.

    I agree that your son is a danger to himself and others on the road and I know you're a nice person who would feel so bad if anything happened to anybody because he was driving. I would not allow him to drive yet. He is clearly not ready. My son on the spectrum, quite frankly, is never going to drive. He, like your son, is very impulsive and gets distracted easily and, while he wouldn't drink or anything, he'd be a hazard on the road. He himself decided not to drive. Your son WANTS to drive, but he isn't ready. to do so. I'd seriously not allow him to drive any vehicle under your name for a few years. He is not emotionally eighteen in any way, like my son and everyone on the spectrum. Even Aspergers is part of a developmental delay. These ASDers simply do not grow up on time.

    There's nothing wrong with waiting. You need to see that he stops playing around with substances before he drives. Of course, this is just what I would do and just my own .02.

    Please...keep him safe and sound and others too.

    Hugs!!!!
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I could be wrong, but I don't think Muslims are supposed to smoke. She may be rebellious too.

    Our difficult child attract rebellious friends like they have "difficult child" written on their foreheads.

    It was always very frustrating to me.
     
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    If it were me I would not let him have the car. Driving is a privilege that carries with it great responsibity. I would have to see consitant positive behavior for at least 6 months before I would consider driving priveleges.

    My difficult child used to say this all time too. It's astounding how many similarities there are with all of our difficult child's and what they say. It's like they have some kind of secret difficult child handbook!!:batman:

    I'm so glad you do not get stuck in the muck.

    :staystrong:
     
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  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    One of the conditions of Miss KT's driving was that she remained medication compliant. You said earlier that he's been spitting out his medications...that alone would have gotten the keys pulled. Sounds like he's just not ready to be driving yet, especially with the baggie and the bottle factoring in.

    Hugs. You're doing great!
     
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  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Terry, having raised 3 girls, (amazingly, we all survived their teenage years)........I just want to say, even if they are typical teenagers, even if they just do the normal teenage stuff, except for a rare few who are really the perfect kids, it can be a really harrowing experience for parents. I hope you are finding supportive environments and doing nourishing, fun and kind things for yourself. You take care of your cousin and a difficult child, sheesh, you really are wearing a superwoman cape. In the midst of all of it, go have some fun.........goof off, go to the beach, whatever floats your boat, but make it entertaining and enjoyable.
     
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  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    MWM, of COURSE the Muslim girl is a rebel, rofl! That's why she and difficult child get along so well.

    Before I give an update, I have to tell you that I cut some nandina with beautiful red berries, and some spotted green ajuga, and made a nice floral arrangement with my new tequila 1800 vase. :) I set it on the kitchen table and then had difficult child sit down and talk to husband and myself.
    Just a subtle visual reminder during our pow-wow. :) ;):sneaky:

    So, for the update: difficult child had a hickey on his neck yesterday. From H, the Muslim girl. husband came home and saw her with-difficult child in her car, and she covered her mouth and the two of them were laughing. husband misunderstood and got the two girls mixed up (soooo confusing)--they have nearly identical cars--make, model and color.
    She was covering her mouth from embarrassment because she thought that husband had seen her giving difficult child a hickey. (And get this--they are NOT dating. Uh-huh.)

    Also, difficult child did not drive while he was drinking. But the other girl, M, was sitting in the driver's seat of her car, in our driveway. Keys in the ignition.
    I asked him, "What if she just hit the gas and started to go?"
    difficult child said, "She did. Twice! And she only went a few feet and then stopped. I told her to stop. I told her to stay in our driveway."

    Back story: He said originally she wanted to drink in public, in a pkng lot or shopping center or a park. difficult child said "no, you'll get busted. You need to be on private property. Come to my house."
    (Eye roll). :rolleyes:
    Clever guy, my difficult child. He said he went into our house and filled the coffee canister with-water and made her drink it before she drank the tequila because he thought that would help to keep her sober because she planned to chug it. (Another eye roll--you couldn't take away the bottle instead of aiding and abetting by giving her a container? Geez. by the way, I know we've had a lot of therapy but I still have to rein in my sarcasm. I told difficult child, "Hey, friend, I know you're going to jump off that cliff, so let me give you this pillow for padding so it won't hurt so much when you die." And also, that he couldn't blame me if I didn't believe him.)
    So he waited until she drank the tequila, whatever was left in it, perhaps 3 or 4 shots (he didn't ask her where she got it, but it wasn't our house), and then he took the bottle and put it in his backpack.
    He said she didn't even notice that he took the bottle and swears he didn't have any, which we don't believe and he knows it and says he understands and was calm about it.
    He and the Muslim girl then moved to the Muslim girl's car (apparently she met them in our driveway). And difficult child and H proceeded to share hickeys. (At least SHE didn't participate in the stupid drinking escapade.)
    But it really, really bothers me that they didn't follow M home. Both husband and I got on his case for that. :(

    So, apparently M and difficult child were only friends for a few days. He texted her and told her that because of what happened, he would not be her friend any more and would not be spending any time with her. H did the same.
    She texted back something like, "Fine, F-you, whatever, I get it."
    So at least I know that she made it home in one piece. ;)

    difficult child has exams all this week. He's been very good about his medications. OMG, what a difference it makes!
     
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Tanya, rolf!
    It's like they have some kind of secret difficult child handbook!!:batman:
     
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    P.S. My little sister was a difficult child. She had numerous parties at our house while our parents were out. They'd throw the bottles in the window wells and the bushes. Like no one's going to find those!
    My older siblings were a bit wild, but more discreet.
    I was the square one.:angel:
     
  16. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Here you go Terry........ 10450519_10152776794032943_5430244816312635089_n.jpg
     
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    THANK YOU! :)
     
  18. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Priceless!!!
     
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  19. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    If you believe the muslimah is a bad influence, ask her if her parents approve of her engaging in haram behavior...... she is not to be alone with a boy much less an infidel........smoking........
     
  20. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Like I'm really going to get into THAT one, pasajes4!!! lol.
    I don't know her last name yet. It took me a week to pronounce her first name.
    She's from Iraq but moved here when she was little, for a better life. And then, she met difficult child ... her parents have no idea of the irony. Not violence, just a completely circuitous path.:heh: :laugh:
     
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