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So excited to have found somewhere to vent.....
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<blockquote data-quote="buddy" data-source="post: 488109" data-attributes="member: 12886"><p>Hi, first, if you put your cursor on words acronyms that have underlines, you will see a definition. difficult child = gift from god (lol, get it???)</p><p></p><p>Second, HI and welcome to our corner of the world. The club no one wants to need to join, but thank heaven it is here.</p><p></p><p>I have an adopted son with attachment issues too. Any child who has a break from their primary caregiver (usually the mother) and has inconsistent caregiving from birth through age three (which is whenwe learn the trust cycle and develop human bonds, well really starting in utero) is at risk for attachment disorder. Especially if they were in neglectful or abusive settings OR if they were born to loving parents but either the parents or the baby had a medical condition which caused pain that could not be relieved. Many drug dependent babies go thru terrible pain and the adults taking care of them can try but they suffer. (normally, baby cries, adult responds and baby develops internal trust knowing that they are cared for and helped). If you have had any other children, you know they become upset at a very early age if someone other than mommy takes them (sometimes daddy and close relatives/friends can but mommy is primary usually--this is not sexest, this is because of nursing and the fact that the mom was pregnant). A dad can certainly be the primay one too.</p><p></p><p>so if there are attachment issues, the child tends to do it much more to the mom, others see the mom as being angry but it is really FROM the situation, the child can be sweet and charming to others and while hugging the mom pinch or squeeze or wreck things etc. Things that really hurt mom. IT often tears parents apart because the other parent doesn't see it but in the end that hurts the child because they are too in control and that is the problem. they learned early on they can only depend on themselves (not consciously) so they do whatever they can to survive, and what they really need is to be told by everyone that no matter what, everyone is on the same page, that she can relax, it is out of her hands....YOU will together be making decisions for her. Little by little she can get more control.</p><p></p><p>It is a hard road and very few, especially in the schools or relatives can really understand this challenge. People think if they were adopted young then they "dont remember" but any bio parent will tell you that they know their child at birth. They know when they were most active, if noise affected them and they can see that the baby turns to their voices from day one.</p><p></p><p>Here is a site that has a support forum like this, I used to belong...it started with kids adopted from China but now includes ALL kids who have attachment challenges from any situation. Even just illness or injury in early development. follow instructions on this site to join the yahoo group that is connected to this. But stay here too, there are several of us. This site has a little different tone and while some things can be tough to hear, I have been here enough months now to tell you that ALL of the thoughts and support come from genuine caring and wanting to help.</p><p></p><p>There could be other things going on, but I really think you will be shocked when you read about attachment disorder! It is a spectrum (mild attachment challenges to full blown Reactive Attachment Disorder (and even Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is on a spectrum, not all kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) are sociopaths, many just can't trust or bond well but have productive lives). If she is neurologically now wired differently she will need a very different kind of therapy than regular psychology services. Please get some books on adopting the hurt child, adopting the toddler, (I know, but SHE was a toddler when it happened) and look at attach china. Nancy Thomas is a therapeutic foster mom who takes kids with attachment challenges. She has some really out of the box ideas for helping in the home and at school. Now, some of the things were not at all appropriate for me but she has great material to help understand how this happened. She has a cd series called the broken bond which is very good.</p><p></p><p>Of course if you are not ready to explore this, I understand, it is overwhelming, but at this point I think you will find that you will have relief because as MWM and I both saw quickly you are hitting some very very common issues with these kids. I am sorry for her, she does not know why she feels this way. You could not possibly have known either. It is one of the least trained on and supported areas in adoption. Really, you will be shocked at the similarities in stories with some of the kids on the attach china site. I was there when they started, haven't been there for years so I am hoping it has not changed too much, but I feel confident you will find others who have therapy ideas.</p><p></p><p>Feel free to ask more questions and to vent all you want. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. My son still has some very clear attachment challenges, but he is bonded and we have done a lot of work to get there (he has tons of medical issues too and autism so we have a LONG road for life). Dont worry about mother in law, she could not possibly understand the depth of this. It is NOT you. But, you CAN make a difference. It sometimes means parenting from a whole different perspective and you may also need to develop what people here call rhino skin...because people will buy into her stories of how terrible you are. You and hubby need to get on the same page and it WILL help.</p><p></p><p>the book called <strong>The Explosive Child</strong> can help too, this is for any child who is a true challenge to parent and does not respond to traditional parenting techniques. There are other companion books.</p><p></p><p>Well, I've gone on too much, just really feel for you.... I get it that this is tough and mother in law is SOOO wrong, another disruption will do her in. Still if you ever need to place her in a setting where the pressure to bond is less, you are still the mom and that is very different than disrupting the adoption. many families here have had their kids in hospital or residential settings, even group homes, etc. It just depends on how she needs to bond. She is still young enough that you can put her in therapy. This kidn of therapy is always done WITH t he parent/parents. To get a therapist who separates you for most of the sessions (there may be a little bit of it but not much)means that they dont understand the core issue. The work has to be done with you together so that the child does not again get the impression she can tell the therapist one thing and drive a wedge between adults. Follow the guidelines on the attachment disorder websites.</p><p></p><p>All that said, I am not an attachment disorder expert, just have done a bunch of work with it, lots of research. The history and behaviors fit this BUT we are not there, we dont see you or her so it is really only an educated guess. Obviously not a diagnosis.</p><p></p><p>Love and Hugs, Buddy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="buddy, post: 488109, member: 12886"] Hi, first, if you put your cursor on words acronyms that have underlines, you will see a definition. difficult child = gift from god (lol, get it???) Second, HI and welcome to our corner of the world. The club no one wants to need to join, but thank heaven it is here. I have an adopted son with attachment issues too. Any child who has a break from their primary caregiver (usually the mother) and has inconsistent caregiving from birth through age three (which is whenwe learn the trust cycle and develop human bonds, well really starting in utero) is at risk for attachment disorder. Especially if they were in neglectful or abusive settings OR if they were born to loving parents but either the parents or the baby had a medical condition which caused pain that could not be relieved. Many drug dependent babies go thru terrible pain and the adults taking care of them can try but they suffer. (normally, baby cries, adult responds and baby develops internal trust knowing that they are cared for and helped). If you have had any other children, you know they become upset at a very early age if someone other than mommy takes them (sometimes daddy and close relatives/friends can but mommy is primary usually--this is not sexest, this is because of nursing and the fact that the mom was pregnant). A dad can certainly be the primay one too. so if there are attachment issues, the child tends to do it much more to the mom, others see the mom as being angry but it is really FROM the situation, the child can be sweet and charming to others and while hugging the mom pinch or squeeze or wreck things etc. Things that really hurt mom. IT often tears parents apart because the other parent doesn't see it but in the end that hurts the child because they are too in control and that is the problem. they learned early on they can only depend on themselves (not consciously) so they do whatever they can to survive, and what they really need is to be told by everyone that no matter what, everyone is on the same page, that she can relax, it is out of her hands....YOU will together be making decisions for her. Little by little she can get more control. It is a hard road and very few, especially in the schools or relatives can really understand this challenge. People think if they were adopted young then they "dont remember" but any bio parent will tell you that they know their child at birth. They know when they were most active, if noise affected them and they can see that the baby turns to their voices from day one. Here is a site that has a support forum like this, I used to belong...it started with kids adopted from China but now includes ALL kids who have attachment challenges from any situation. Even just illness or injury in early development. follow instructions on this site to join the yahoo group that is connected to this. But stay here too, there are several of us. This site has a little different tone and while some things can be tough to hear, I have been here enough months now to tell you that ALL of the thoughts and support come from genuine caring and wanting to help. There could be other things going on, but I really think you will be shocked when you read about attachment disorder! It is a spectrum (mild attachment challenges to full blown Reactive Attachment Disorder (and even Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is on a spectrum, not all kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) are sociopaths, many just can't trust or bond well but have productive lives). If she is neurologically now wired differently she will need a very different kind of therapy than regular psychology services. Please get some books on adopting the hurt child, adopting the toddler, (I know, but SHE was a toddler when it happened) and look at attach china. Nancy Thomas is a therapeutic foster mom who takes kids with attachment challenges. She has some really out of the box ideas for helping in the home and at school. Now, some of the things were not at all appropriate for me but she has great material to help understand how this happened. She has a cd series called the broken bond which is very good. Of course if you are not ready to explore this, I understand, it is overwhelming, but at this point I think you will find that you will have relief because as MWM and I both saw quickly you are hitting some very very common issues with these kids. I am sorry for her, she does not know why she feels this way. You could not possibly have known either. It is one of the least trained on and supported areas in adoption. Really, you will be shocked at the similarities in stories with some of the kids on the attach china site. I was there when they started, haven't been there for years so I am hoping it has not changed too much, but I feel confident you will find others who have therapy ideas. Feel free to ask more questions and to vent all you want. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. My son still has some very clear attachment challenges, but he is bonded and we have done a lot of work to get there (he has tons of medical issues too and autism so we have a LONG road for life). Dont worry about mother in law, she could not possibly understand the depth of this. It is NOT you. But, you CAN make a difference. It sometimes means parenting from a whole different perspective and you may also need to develop what people here call rhino skin...because people will buy into her stories of how terrible you are. You and hubby need to get on the same page and it WILL help. the book called [B]The Explosive Child[/B] can help too, this is for any child who is a true challenge to parent and does not respond to traditional parenting techniques. There are other companion books. Well, I've gone on too much, just really feel for you.... I get it that this is tough and mother in law is SOOO wrong, another disruption will do her in. Still if you ever need to place her in a setting where the pressure to bond is less, you are still the mom and that is very different than disrupting the adoption. many families here have had their kids in hospital or residential settings, even group homes, etc. It just depends on how she needs to bond. She is still young enough that you can put her in therapy. This kidn of therapy is always done WITH t he parent/parents. To get a therapist who separates you for most of the sessions (there may be a little bit of it but not much)means that they dont understand the core issue. The work has to be done with you together so that the child does not again get the impression she can tell the therapist one thing and drive a wedge between adults. Follow the guidelines on the attachment disorder websites. All that said, I am not an attachment disorder expert, just have done a bunch of work with it, lots of research. The history and behaviors fit this BUT we are not there, we dont see you or her so it is really only an educated guess. Obviously not a diagnosis. Love and Hugs, Buddy [/QUOTE]
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