So far so good...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemysons, Jul 31, 2013.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I went out with a friend Friday night as Young difficult child gathered his things together to move into extended stay motel. On the way home with friend...I had a moment of weakness...sigh. I drove by the motel to see if Young difficult child's truck was there...and it was. I felt some relief that he had his own place yet at the same time, in the back of my mind, I worried about what he was doing. Was he drinking himself to oblivian? Abusing pain pills? Crying himself to sleep?

    Saturday morning I went to my mother's home to help all day with painting her living room. It kept me VERY busy! And busy is good. Young difficult child did text me to tell me that the reason he did not get my call was because he was sleeping. I had called him to see when he was getting "all" of his things as he had left some clothes in drawers and a few things in the closet.

    Young difficult child has called me everyday since Friday. Yesterday I called him and invited him over to our home for dinner as I had made baked chicken, fried rice, and peas. He was thrilled and said he was hungry...had only eaten one bag of potato chips yesterday while at work.

    Now...He did ask to "borrow" $60 til Friday. Said he needed gas in his truck. husband reluctantly handed me the $60 and Young difficult child and I drove to the gas station together so I could make sure it went into his tank. We only put $50 in as he asked if he could have the other $10 for food...I agreed.

    On the way home from the gas station young difficult child told me that his wife/daughter in law had called him and told him she missed him, loved him, etc. He said he had tried to call her back a few hours later and got no answer. He said he didn't like these "heart games" she plays...and he began to cry.
    I didn't dwell on his tears though as I really didn't want to see him in pain...just tried to listen and change the subject when I could.

    He did box up the rest of his things yesterday and this morning I dusted the room and am in the process of making it a nice "guest room" for friends and my mom when they might spend the night.

    All and all, I am doing fairly well...and so is young difficult child Thank God.
    Thank you all again so much for your truth, for your words of encouragement, for strengthening me through this process.

    I just have to keep speaking to young difficult child in "normal" terms. Not fear-based. Have to keep believing he can make it on his own.

    Love,
    LMS
     
  2. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    (((HUGS))) time for him to stand on his own mama...good to hear it is going smoothly...
     
  3. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    PG,
    Thank you for the hugs, you're a sweetheart.

    Well, now I kind of feel like a fool.
    See...the $10 I gave him for "food" apparently, must have, been used for alcohol.

    Today, no sooner than I posted, I got a call from my friend who told me that she just saw Young difficult child's truck at motel. He did not go to work according to his brother/Oldest difficult child. And on top of that, daughter in law told me that he had to have been drunk last night as he was "very ugly" to her on the phone.

    I was used/played/taken advantage of once again. I was a willing participant...as they say in AA.
    I am so done feeling sorry for him. It's all for not.

    Maybe I needed this lessen to really "let go". If I keep giving young difficult child even alittle money or a pack of cigs or even dinner...it just feels like it's used for bad behavior.

    It really stinks that we can't have the kind of relationship that other parents get to have with their grown children. It's just not the same playing field. I need to remember that.

    LMS
     
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Its hard LMS. I dont think there are any truly right answers.
     
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You're doing a good job but, lol, I think you are hoping for a miracle cure. When you realize how many many years he has had issues it is not realistic to think that "a geographic cure" would take place in days or week or likely months. It is likely to take a long time, Tammy. As you totally know he is the only one who can face his addiction and get help. A night or a week or a month without any booze does not mean he has come to terms with his serious problem. Don't allow yourself to go through "his" daily processing. It's not healthy for you and truly is unhealthy for him. I know the pain in your heart, my friend, but I also believe that you have been riding the roller coaster ride with him for too many years.

    Make yourself a "cheat sheet" of short responses to his phone call topics. Keep it by your phone. That will help you stay disengaged a bit. If he is hungry provide him with local food bank choices. If he feels ill have phone numbers handy where he can reach out. When he wants to talk about his SO and kid issues, provide him with access to a support group or a phone number if he threatens to harm himself. Yes, I know it is not what you want to do but if he is going to be responsible for his choices then he is the one who has to make them. Sigh.

    I keep you in my thoughts and with fingers crossed that he gets the message pdq. Hugs DDD
     
  6. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the caring responses Skotti and DDD,

    DDD...
    This is not easy.
    He texted me awhile ago and said, "Hey mom can I swing by after work?"
    I said, "Nope!"

    He then said, "Why what did I do wrong??"
    "I'm hungry don't have any food what's the problem?? What did I do?"

    I texted him the website to a local food pantry.
    His response..."Ye. Whatever I work too hard for that bs."

    I know at some point we will talk and I will have to tell him flat out that I am not "helping him" get drunk anymore.

    Oh, get this...he just texted me again, saying...
    "Mom no offense but your bipolar treatment is getting under my skin...Just be one way with me or cease communication. Unless I do something to you!"

    He doesn't get it...He thinks "I" have the problem...amazing!!!
    LMS
    ps...He has texted me again now saying, "I don't need anything from you thanks anyway."
     
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I always feel guilty giving advice when I haven't walked in the shoes, Tammy. on the other hand I do believe with all my brain and my heart that he is a "player". IF he were still a teen it would be tolerable but, darn it, he is a legal adult who has his own family. in my humble opinion he trying to "turn it back on you" so he can justify his own poor choices. Low blow shot on the bipolar. Ugh!

    I know your loving heart. He's going to keep trying to use it to his advantage because ??? he does not want to take ownership of his issues. Most of the CD family who have told their young adults to leave have/had kids who had no job, no income and needed a major wakeup call. Your son has a job that is either his to keep or to lose. He had three little children who want/need his support. He has no reason to be hungry except he is choosing to use his money to support his addictive lifestyle.

    You have to decide what to do next but honestly I don't think you should be available to communicate with him as often as you are. How to heck is he going to take ownership of HIS choices if he has you to make the decisions for him? My situation is different than yours now but easy child/difficult child no longer calls or texts frequently. He is making his own choices. (I don't like his choices!) He is choosing his path based on what he evidently believes is best. Personally I don't think spending major bucks on pot is wise. Sigh! BUT...it is not my choice. His SO does not want him "close" to me (yes, I am a threat evidently) and he is adapting to her influence. I am not a happy camper. I absolutely know that my influence turns him toward higher goals. Your influence does the same thing. The problem is that after a decade plus of dependency the choices just have to be owned by our difficult child's. It's frightening but I believe it is very necessary. I am on your team, my friend. I hope your choice bring you peace because you, like me, deserve it. DDD
     
  8. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    DDD,
    Sorry it has taken me a few days to respond. I've been trying to keep busy.

    I was going to tell you that I hadn't heard from young difficult child in a couple of days...since the text. But lo and behold, he just called me...which I didn't answer. And then he texted me and said, "I love you mom". So I just texted back and said I love you too J.

    I do think you're right that he is a "player"...emotionally speaking. It's just his way. He uses emotions like oldest difficult child uses calculation and timing.
    Was just talking with husband and husband pointed out that the saddest part about all of this are the human casualities...Young difficult child's wife and especially children who are paying the price for not having a functional SOBER father to be by their side and raise them/provide for them. He said that I paid the price with oldest difficult child in reference to my Psychotic breakdown but that it is now young difficult child's family not me that are paying the price for his failures.

    husband also said that it looks like young difficult child will need a different "bottom". For oldest difficult child it was his children that helped motivate him to give up the self destructive path...the party lifestyle...with nothing to show for at the end of the day. But young difficult child has all this and it is NOT enough.

    I do worry what that "bottom" will be. I try not to project my fears. But I do wonder...will I get a call that young difficult child has OD'd? Or will he consider suicide and attempt to reach out to me? I don't know what it's going to take as I picture him sitting alone in a motel room...likely with a bottle and possible pills too.

    Okay, so while I am typing to you...Just now, young difficult child has just texted me saying...
    "I think I might be having a heart attack something very wrong"...

    And now I asking myself what I should do? Obviously he needs medical attention if he is in trouble.
    I will check back in later.
    Love,
    LMS
     
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    How do you text while having a heart attack? That was me being sarcastic. I think 911 would be a shorter call. However, since he thinks he is having a heart attack I would probably call 911 and say that your son is in room xxx at YYY and that he feels like he is having a heart attack. Let the medics go get him. If what he is saying is true, that is what is needed. If he is playing you then having a team of medics and likely police show up at his room should shut that avenue down.
     
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I am sending as much support your way as I can send. Good thing I don't live nearby because I would be visiting your difficult child...LOL! I've only lost my temper four or five times in seventy two years BUT he's messing with my friends head and heart. Seriously, Tammy, I would respond with "call 911, son" Love, Mom.

    Chances are great that you, husband and two boys spent time fishing together. Your difficult child is using every kind of bait he can dream up to capture you. I'm proud that you gave him the food bank info. I'm hoping you didn't rush to save him from a heart attack. He's playing hard ball. He either has to reel you in to support him or he has to "face the man in the mirror". Honestly I don't think this is going to be pretty but HE has to own his life. Hugs. DDD

    by the way, I am once again impressed with husband. He's come a long way. It really sounds like he wants to be your partner in parenting. That's awesome.
     
  11. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Skotti,
    Really good question. I texted difficult child back several times with "Call 911" if you are in trouble.
    He said he would never call 911 again even if he were "bleeding out". He said that the hospitalisations/doctors destroyed his life! Whatever. I am so tired of his ****!


    DDD,
    I hope he faces that man in the mirror soon!!!
    husband easy child and I just got back from taking difficult child's oldest 2 children, our grandchildren, to Chuck e Cheese.
    On the way to daughter in law's mother's home (where daughter in law and the grandkids live) J, who is 3 1/2 asked me ..."Grandma Tammy why doesn't daddy live at your home anymore?" I told her as matter o factly as I could that "Daddy needs to live in his own place now". She said, "At the hotel?". I said, "Yes".
    I was in tears afterward...been a long time since I've felt tears run down my face.

    When we dropped J and J off at daughter in law's mothers I told daughter in law that I needed to talk to her later. She texted me and said she couldn't wait for whatever I had to say...so I told her what my 3 1/2 yr old granddaughter had asked...I told her how sorry I was that my son isn't who he needs to be for her and the kids. That I know they all have paid a painful price. She said, "Yeah, she made me cry yesterday. I had to explain to her that when we go to grandma's that daddy wouldn't be there and then she started crying and begging to go visit daddy. She said, "You could drop me off and then come back for me".
    Then daughter in law told me that the last time she was begging to see daddy that she had let grandaughter call him and he told her that he would see her next weekend...and then he never did :-(.

    So I told husband, easy child and then daughter in law later that this is good reinforcement for me to realise that difficult child puts alcohol and drugs BEFORE his children.

    I am angry at difficult child for only thinking of himself and I am sad for the little faces...the little hearts and minds that are trying so very hard to understand why daddy isn't here isn't with them...isn't being a daddy.

    I will try also from now on to not use the term "Young" difficult child but simply difficult child. I am tired of viewing him like a child when he is a Man and a Father and should be acting like one!!!

    I did talk to daughter in law about how I would like her to approach this "absent daddy" situation with the grandkids in the future.
    I would like for her to always make this his problem, his lack from within, his missing out, his selfishness and issues.
    I do not want my grandchildren to go through what I went through as a child feeling less than valuable as a human being because a parent isn't showing them the love they deserve.

    DDD, I don't see this situation getting any better any time soon. I think you may be right and that difficult child will up the ante to demand his way.

    My job is to let him fall.
    I thank you all for helping me see that.
    LMS
     
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs, Tammy! You are doing great!
     
  13. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    LMS, you sound like you are in such a great place!!! That makes me very happy. Those poor babies... :(
     
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You're getting stronger each day it appears and we are all proud of you. Trying to find the right words to use when children want time with Daddy is a heartbreaker. My Ex would call and arrange to pick up the three kids and then not show up. He had no substance abuse problems. He wanted to hurt me. Sigh. Finally I made it a point to say to the children "if Daddy gets busy and doesn't come today I think the four of us should go to the park" or whatever. My 52 year old easy child mentioned a few months ago how helpful that was in easing her anxiety. Some Daddy's don't know or care how important their presence is. Your grandchildren are lucky to have you all. Hugs DDD
     
  15. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you Busywend, Patriotsgirl and DDD...

    DDD, I think how you "worked" a bad situation out was great!
    You see...daughter in law has now asked for child support through state agency and difficult child should be getting a letter soon in the mail. daughter in law also wants "supervised visitation" with husband and I to supervise difficult child with the grandkids.
    It really is good to know what to say ahead of time lest there be broken hearts and disappointment.

    difficult child did text around 10:30 last night asking, "How was your time with the kids today?"
    Sadly this is probably just a way for difficult child to start conversation again. I guess daughter in law talked to him last night and let him know that husband easy child and I had taken the kids on a fun outing.

    I really AM feeling stronger with each passing day.
    In fact, there is ALOT more clarity since difficult child was asked to move out. The distance is helping along with all of the encouragement from you all and of course the sad reminder from my grandaughter.

    Baby steps forward.
    Thanks!
    LMS
     
  16. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    That is actually a very positive approach. If difficult child doesn't show, at least the kids are getting time with grandparents... i.e. they can still have a good day.
     
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well Im glad that daughter in law is finally getting off the fence. Kids really do bounce back fairly quickly though. It will become common place for them that Daddy doesnt live with you anymore. Even when my youngest simply moved out to live on his own his daughter would ask us from time to time why he wasnt with us anymore. We simply told her he now lived at XXX. She did visit him at times but normally always came back to us either at bedtime or after spending one day with him. For a while she wanted to split her time but now she has hardly noticed anything. She got used to him being away for all those months working and this fits right in. She loves seeing him but is happy to go home with me. I have a sneaking suspicion some of that has to do with a toddler baby sister who drives her about crazy all the time...lol. The baby follows her around like a shadow.
     
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