so frustrating...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ksm, May 16, 2013.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    difficult child has taken three years to grow her bangs out... and while we were out of the house for an hour, she and a friend cut her hair so that she now has bangs. Not a biggie... didn't really say anything to her except that it looked nice. (didn't really think that, but I didn't want a melt down and hair grows back). This morning, on the way to school, I asked her in the future, could she think about things (like cutting hair) and maybe discuss it a little before she does it? I really wasn't being mean or rude or saying anything bad about her hair. I told her she could get her hair cut the way she likes, and that I could make an appointment with a hairdresser. OMG. She tried to turn it all around in to "that the only reason she cut it was to 'surprise' me". I tried to explain that she cut it because she and her friend wanted to... and then she surprised me with it. THere is no way to did it to surprise me. She doesn't do anything "for me". It is all what difficult child wants, difficult child has to have, and she has to have it right now.

    Like I said, I don't really care about the hair, but in her mind, she has to twist everything around and that she did it for me! WHen it is just difficult child doing what she wants, because she can.

  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You know what? Big deal about the hair. As often as I've wanted to say things about my girl's hair, I let them make those types of decisions and then live with them, as long as it's not on my dime.

    As for her behavior, this is how she is right now so you should just expect this of her. There is an incredible difference that I noticed (and it could be just me) between raising a easy child and raising a difficult child. A difficult child is oblivious to rules...they don't exist or they're dumb or they don't apply and difficult child feels justified in doing whatever she/he wants to do and doesn't think about others feelings. Or consequences. A easy child may pout, but will take your words seriously and try to work within the rules of society and the law. PCs also care that you think well of them. difficult children often also want you to think well of them, even after they hurt you. Go figger.

    I'm sorry this happened and understand. Hugs!!!
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    The impulsivity that comes with ADHD was/is the hardest part of teen raising. You handled it well but I'm sure it was hard not to say " spent thirty six months growing hair and chopped it off in thirty six seconds!" Good job for your approach but LOL what I said to the children and what I said in my mind very rarely matched! DDD
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I think I need to hide the scissors just like when they were little. Besides the hair fiasco, I found a nice green top with the sleeves cut out, and a ruined pair of jeans. I have told them to ask me and I would help. why ruin good stuff when they could use jeans that are too short? Not having a good day. KSM
  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    It must be the day to be frustrated with everyone. I had told husband last week we needed to spray some Round up on some weeds on the backside of privacy fence, next to alley. I told him the WEST side of the gate. So what does he do? starts pulling up "weeds" by hand on the EAST side of the gate. I thought he was taking trash out, but then we wasn't coming back around the fence so I went to see what he was doing. He was pulling "weeds" - which was actually the crown vetch ground cover that I have been trying to grow back there for two years. It was the only patch of them that came up from last year. Meanwhile, the weeds are doing fine and he pulled up 75% of my plants. But, there wasn't enough roots on them to try and replant.

    easy child called from junior high - and her friend had left her book binder at our house, so had to run that across town. Yesterday I was running homework to the high school for difficult child. Why is it they expect you to be at their beck and call, but otherwise want nothing to do with you? I am feeling so used and unappreciated right now. I guess I am still upset from Mother's Day when I had asked for us to have a nice meal, then an hour of down time, then I would take them to friends houses by 2pm. But by 12:30 they were begging to go do what they wanted. I guess I am still upset ... so... I went out and pulled weeds (the real kind) for the last hour and tried to work off some of my stress. It usually works but not today.

    Then, at the eye doctor this morning, in preparation for my cataract surgery, the machine that measures the depth of the lens or cataract by just looking in to it and it taking "pictures" , wouldn't give a reading, so they had to do it the old fashioned way. It was an ultrasound machine that they place on your eye and gets a reading. I almost had a panic attack. I HATE things touching my eyeball. Next week when I get the preop from family doctor to be OK'd for surgery - the eye tech asked me to ask for something for anxiety to take the morning of my surgery. I guess technically I will be awake and able to respond to verbal commands, but hopefully won't remember any of it. I am SO NOT looking forward to this. I felt like I was having a panic attack. KSM
  6. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    Oh goodness, ksm... The haircut scenario has been played out here too. difficult child had been growing out her bangs, then one day she decided to cut them herself, and it was a REALLY bad job, I mean, so short that to have them evened out would have looked even worse, so we figured out a way to disguise it until it grew out long enough to re-do her bangs.

    I will say one thing though, my personal policy is that I don't "rescue" for school stuff unless it was somehow my fault that something got left behind- if something is forgotten, they have to deal with it. Part of it is that school is across town and gas is $$$ (and I already burn through a LOT of it), but it's also because I want them to have to take responsibility for things like that. I have an "after school" and a "before bed" chore list which includes getting stuff ready for the next day - all homework, backpacks, lunch boxes, uniforms, belts, socks, shoes, etc.
  7. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    Big frowny face for you. I had a dog dig up plants once a week after planting. Was one of the reasons we rehomed the dog. Can't rehome husbands though.
    I'd be koi'd just about that one thing.
  8. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    Ksm. Once my difficult child dyed her beautiful hair almost black!! I walked in and almost died. She was like hey do you like it. I stood and thought and said. It's ok. She threw a fit. A few days later she comes and says why did I do that. I hate it. Ah the impulsiveness of our difficult children. Takes a lot longer for them to "get" it. Thankfully like you said they will grow. I just hope she doesn't complain to much waiting.
  9. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I feel the same way. But yesterday was the LAST day the algebra teacher would take any homework... and she was failing. If she doesn't pass, it will be $150 for a class with a private company. I am so ready to let her fail... most the work that actually gets handed in was A's and B's. THere are just so many zeros... for not handed in stuff. She will carry it around in her pack for so long and then not get any credit because it is too late.

    Pretty much I am done. nada. I feel like a difficult child dragging my heels just cause they want/need me to do something. The same kind of response with I want/need them to do something. KSM
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    JMO here but... what we did? difficult child got a homework period (with assistance) AT school as part of his school day (NOT lunch time, or before/after school. One of his classes...)
    THEY organized all the homework, prioritized, and handed it in to the teacher. All difficult child had to do was DO it. Right there, on the spot. It never came home. And... WAY more of it got done.

    If she can't "manage" the homework, then maybe school needs to manage it.
  11. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Did you have an IEP? I can't even get the school to call me if she skips school! The teachers just tell me "they con't have time to check on things the students need to do". Maybe after the neuropsychologist appointment I will have more ammo to keep fighting this. KSM
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    For clarification... we don't have US-style IEPs with "teeth"... ours is more like your 504. But yes, we have that.
    IF you have enough dxes and enough "professionals" on your side... yes, we get this stuff.

    You have a parent report going? You're documenting all these school issues to tell the neuropsychologist?
    Sometimes "school issues" are the last straw that drives a diagnosis. Like, maybe a kid is close to the cut-off for a diagnosis... if it's causing THAT much problem in their life, then they get pushed over into a diagnosis.
  13. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    Ksm, insane. My difficult child actually had a class like that for 8 th grade. It was called executive function class. They taught them how to organize their homework, remember the right books and handing in work. It was last period and they did the days homework. If it all couldn't get done they had them write was still needed for home. It was a great class. You had to have an IEP to qualify. It taught her so much.

    Does your school use agendas to write their hw assignments at the end of each class? If not. It was a god send for my difficult child during her HS years.
  14. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Does your school use agendas to write their hw assignments at the end of each class? If not. It was a god send for my difficult child during her HS years.[/QUOTE]

    ALL the students in her school was given agendas back in about 4th grade. They were to take it home and get either a daily or weekly signature from their parents. Each class had a blackboard that the students would write the assignments for the whole week... Did she do it back then. No. I don't know how many times the agenda was lost. Either at home or at school. The school stopped giving them agendas in high school. If she would use it I'd buy them. I don't know how many I have already replaced over the years.

    I just checked Power School and she got an absent in Algebra. I just went to her room and talked to her - and first she says she was in class, that she would get it cleared up tomorrow. Then I asked if she was late... and it was the "I don't remember" Then it was, 'yes I was late, but I was there for most of the class." Then it was, "I don't remember why I was late" Then... "a friend and I walked off campus after lunch and we were late getting back". Geesh. Still has a F in the class. There is a rule that after a certain amount of time a tardy automatically becomes an unexcused absence. The teacher could legally drop her from the class. She has had 8 absences (only 4 were excused ones) and 12 tardies.

    She still thinks she can bring the grade up. She would have to get a VERY good grade on the final to pull that off. Right now, if the teacher dropped her and refused to let her take the final I would be OK with that. I have just had it. Just tonight, before I knew about the additional absence - she was telling me I should have faith in her that she will pass, that I should trust her. I tried to tell her that I hope she passes. I really do. But I can't trust that because of past behavior.

    Then she tried to tell me that she doesn't mean all the mean, hateful, spiteful things she says to me. But she does mean the nice things she says to me (although rare!) Tried to explain that you can't have it both ways. Today, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and stay in bed all day. KSM