So Happy To Find This Site

[Scooby]

Before I get started ... THANK God for whomever created this forum.

Could someone please advise me of what all the acronyms stand for or point me in a direction on this site- so that I can post within etiquette?

I wish I did not need to be here -but I have really been looking for a support forum for several years.... I'll introduce once I know how to "refer" to everyone.

 

[PonyGirl]

Hi Scooby and Welcome. We used to have a List of all the Acronyms out on the Home Page, but I can't find it now...I trust one of our faithful moderators will spot your post soon and point you in the right direction.

I can tell you, difficult child stands for Gift From God. It is our chosen way to refer to our problem child(ren). I personally found this to be a great comfort, as it was quite the opposite of how I used to refer to my son!

easy child = Perfect Child(ren), those who are not a source of struggle.

husband = Dear Husband

Looking forward to hearing more of your story.

Peace

 

[everywoman]

Welcome Scooby. Many of us here have been there done that. We have a variety of experiences and have each faced obstacles while raising our children. I'm sorry that you had to find us, but you will recieve a lot of support here.

 

[DDD]

Welcome aboard. As we often say "glad you found us" "sorry you had to".
This is an awesome resource group and safe outlet. We'll be here to listen
If you're "antsy" to see if your problems are similar to ours, just read some old threads while you wait to get familiar with the site. DDD

 

[trinityroyal]

Just wanted to add my welcome Scooby.
This is a great resource group, and a wonderful supportive "soft place to land".
We are here to listen, understand and help, and not to judge.

Glad you found us, but sorry that you had to.

Trinity

 

[Ephchap]

Hi Scooby and welcome.

Most of us stumbled onto this site when we were in the throes of chaos and stress from our children. I too remember the overwhelming sense of relief when I found my way here - and cried and cried reading people's stories, as I could totally relate. It felt good to finally not feel alone.

We're here whenever you're ready to post - to offer whatever help or suggestions we can, if that's what you want, or to just lend an ear or shoulder to lean on.

The list of abbreviations can be found here:
http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8

Again, welcome aboard !

Hugs,
Deb

 

[Scooby]

Thank you for your kind responses.

A little about my self -should I change the thread title to intro now?

I am 37
Married five years
difficult child -17 young man
easy child -3 girl
Step -13 girl

Prior to marraige, I raised my son alone -his father -a career criminal was never involved mainly due to being in jail -he would get out for a bit, then commit a new offense and be sent back in -every time the offenses escalated -he is not serving life for murder. I admittedly never encouraged contact or the relationship a whole lot.

When my son hit 10 -11 -12 -he started dabbling in weed -and robitussin -he stole an ATV and was charged - I nabbed him right away and sent him to a boarding school in another state for 9 months to get him help and I thought "Nip it in the bud" mmmm no...

HE came home- and things got worse... he stole again -computers at a party -charged -misdemeanor... youthful offense...

Next he was arrested, in school, for posession of cocaine -a lot of it -a LOT of it -posession with intent to sell. 3 Felonies.

All reduced to misdemeanors -and was deferred to a "treatment court" with sentencing suspended until completion of a 2 year program which includes... group, private, drug testing, accountability weekly to a judge etc... I left him in jail a few nights before I got him out...

Since then, I just have no trust. He has lost two jobs -being accused of stealing money -he is passing his drug tests -which I know... you can beat tests all day long...

I'm tired.
I'm fearful.
I'm hopeless.

I love him and he is a bright kid -smart -very good looking athletic young man -football player -body builder etc... and very nice and fun and respectful to be around...

no diagnosis other than substance abuse and depression/anxiety -with components of aspergers but indefinite.

I have no clue.

I hired an interventionalist -we worked with- him for a bit -ran out of funds. (WAY EXPENSIVE)

WE did family therapy, individual for him -you name it. Pediatrician doesnt see anything that presents - sees a happy well spoken sweet youngman...

Meanwhile back at the ranch -he is good to me -and around the house -but he is constantly scheming criminal stunts -

I'm rambling now.

I just dont know what else I can do -as you know there's always so many dynamics and no right answer.

THanks for listening. Thanks so much.

 

[DDD]

Yikes. It sure sounds like you have done everything possible to help him get on target. None of the experts have suggested that he has Conduct
Disorder? That's kind of surprising with the criminal bent to his personality.

Personally my heart goes out to you because although many of the CD members have difficult children who are rude, oppositional, vulgar etc. etc. etc., those of us with polite respectful behaving teens are on a darn seesaw of emotions because it just seems so blankin' obvious that they have the
IQ, the physical capabilities, the manners, the absorbed values etc. to make a successful life. It is heartbreaking.

Regardless, it is time to study Detachment 101 for your own survival and the survival of your family unit. There is not much time until he turns 18 and if he shuns interventions of love....then it's time to lay the groundwork for him accepting full responsibility for his choices as an adult.

We all hurt for each other and try to help. Honestly it sounds as though you have done everything you could do and now must prepare to lead a life that is healthy for you. Many hugs. DDD

 

[Scooby]

Thanks DDD.

No, nobody has suggested CD. I dont even know what that would mean -are there medications or specific treatments etc? Is there something I am missing? I feel like I have one year left, and I am down to the wire in doing everything I can possibly do.

(I re-read my previous post to you, and caught a typo -his bio dad is in jail for murder -I wrote not instead of now) I dont know how much of a genetic factor comes into play... not even sure if it matters at this point.

He has only been to 3 or 4 different counselors over the years -the interventionist was good and saw all of the good in difficult child and really I thought -thank heavens someone else sees something positive! lol... it gets tiresome answering the phone calls -it was always either the police, or the school, he's late, he's missing, he's in trouble, he's at the police station.... I"m sure others know the drill.

I want to throw something out there to see if this makes sense to anyone -
In dealing with my difficult child - if I can not prove something to be true -that in his mind -it did not occur. He could steal from me, and look me in the eye and smile and I believe that HE believes... he did not do it...based on the fact that I can not "prove" it.

Can anyone else relate to this mentality and the frustration of it? His bio dad was the same exact way. It makes me want to jump off a cliff.

 

[lovemysons]

Hi Scooby, sorry I missed responding to you before.

I have 2 sons and both have had sub abuse issues. My oldest, Josh, is the one that reminds me of your son: Athletic, good looking, mannerly, etc. He has always been the one considered a "master manipulator" so I get the...can look you in the eye and tell you he didn't do something and you have no way to ABsolutely prove it so your left...with maybe this nagging feeling.

My oldest was Dxd with CD and also ADHD. He later got involved with Meth which lead him to Prison Rehab. He has been home about a year now and is no longer using Meth though he does drink on occasion now.

So really, my oldests 2 drugs of choice were Cocaine and Meth. I think sometimes the rehab councelors/psychiatrists can see underlying disorders based on their "drug of choice".

I'm probibly starting to sound like a broken record on some of my posts but I highly suggest you find the time to visit a local Al Anon meeting. You'll be amazed at how many families are going through the same ordeals...How many "good families", loving moms and dads, decent homes etc. I know when my sons use first became known to me I was in absolute shock and unfortunately took it very personally. I was angry and saddend that my "perfect picture" of a family was being destroyed.
Really, when there is a drug user in the house, it's EVERYone's problem and everyone is likely gonna need some counceling some help to get through it. None of us "caused" our children to be drug users but we can or did perhaps unwittedly contribute...Al Anon helped me see this but also helped me find new ways to "correct" some of my thinking/behavior and become a healthier influence on my sons. As I said...we are not to blame but there are ways that are better than others when it comes to dealing with our drug using children...healthier ways.

I'm glad you found us...You are not alone.
Hugs,
Tammy

 

[everywoman]

I want to throw something out there to see if this makes sense to anyone -
In dealing with my difficult child - if I can not prove something to be true -that in his mind -it did not occur. He could steal from me, and look me in the eye and smile and I believe that HE believes... he did not do it...based on the fact that I can not "prove" it.

Can anyone else relate to this mentality and the frustration of it?

Relate to it? I have lived it. I work at the hs my difficult child attended. I would go in the parking lot, see his truck missing, call and ask where he was, and the idiot would tell me in class. When I would tell him no, your truck is gone, he'd say not it's not. So I would tell him I would call the police and report it stolen. He would never admit that he had cut school. When he stole from us, he wouldn't admit. So, we had him charged. Eventually he began to understand---but it has takens a long, long time to get to the point where I like him again. I still don't trust him. That will take even longer to build, but at least I like him.

 

[Scooby]

Wow I am so happy to be here. I can't tell you how long I've struggled with this alone - I am going to take everyone's advice and find an Al anon meeting to get involved with-

And you can bet on seeing me around these parts more often.

 

[katya02]

I want to throw something out there to see if this makes sense to anyone -
In dealing with my difficult child - if I can not prove something to be true -that in his mind -it did not occur. He could steal from me, and look me in the eye and smile and I believe that HE believes... he did not do it...based on the fact that I can not "prove" it.

This has been life with my difficult child. He lies like he breathes .... about twelve times per minute! He lies about big things, he lies about small things, he lies about things that don't matter at all! He has always done this. And husband and I have to come up with courtroom-level chain of evidence proof of his lie before he will admit anything. Even then he'll just adjust the lie so it's a bit smaller. He gets outraged when we don't believe him. For years I thought he truly believed what he was saying, and somehow he must have a distorted perception of reality, he must be having some sort of psychosis. I've come to grips at last with the fact that he just lies like he breathes.

If you read Stanton Samenow's 'Before It's Too Late', he talks about this phenomenon and why it happens. Basically a child like this likes to be secretive, and putting something over on others makes him feel like he's 'won'. So even a lie about something that doesn't matter gives the child satisfaction in deceiving those around him.

I don't do the courtroom-quality evidence thing anymore. I just tell him 'I don't believe you'. He gets angry but he knows that if he rages at me I'll call the police and he'll sit in jail until his hearing for possession and paraphernalia. He can control himself when it's in his best interest.

I'm sorry I didn't see this thread sooner ... I've been replying to your other thread. I appreciate reading about your general family structure; and I would say, protect your younger kids who are at home, protect your marriage, and protect your own health. I made a big mistake for years in focusing so much on my difficult child that my other kids suffered. And my blindness to the real problem meant my kids suffered directly from difficult child's endless rages and violence. I would do things very differently if I had them to do again.

 

[TYLERFAN]

Welcome!!!! To our special place on the board!!

Blessings,
Melissa

 

[Ropefree]

That information is on the informing click ons that zap by on the way here. So back up and read the introductory and whatnot spots that are on the other side of the green arrow.
Meanwhile I just found this place too not long ago and I am so happy I could spit.
So hey see you later. welcome. hello.