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So, here's the letter - Update to she can't hurt me anymore thread
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 319761" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Wow, small world time!</p><p></p><p>Just last Sunday (as in a couple of days ago) I was at a Writers Festival and the very first speaker was - Markus Zusak! He's a smart cookie, I've attended a workshop of his before. He writes for children as well as for adults, "The Book Thief" has been very well received internationally and there are deals going on - I think someone said something about a movie deal.</p><p></p><p>That said - it's a disturbing story line, it would ring bells with a disturbed teen. I haven't read the book myself yet but because Markus has talked to our writing group a few times, a number of others have read it, plus there was some discussion of the book on Sunday. I do plan to read it. Listening to him speak was fascinating, his mind is constantly flowing with ideas and information.</p><p></p><p>Markus used to teach, plus he gives talks to kids at school. He knows kids well and if he got a letter like that he would know it has come from somebody with a warped view of reality.</p><p></p><p>The letter actually sounds very much like something either easy child or easy child 2/difficult child 2 would have written at that age. It's a very selfish time for a teenage girl. They really do only see the world in terms of their own wants being all that matters and anyone who doesn't give them free rein is "stifling creativity" and "being mean just because they can". easy child 2/difficult child 2 especially was a shocker - while she was on her honeymoon we found her diary from when she was about 15. If we'd found it then, she'd have been in a psychiatric ward so fast her head would have been spinning. But I wonder - would it have helped if we'd done this? I don't know. I do know that we had a challenging time and sometimes she's still a handful. I have to always be on guard to not buy into her dramas.</p><p></p><p>Example: I might say, "Have you rung X yet? You need to get this business sorted out today."</p><p>Her response, "How can I do that? I'm feelnig really sick, all I want to do is sleep, it's not fair, I shouldn't have to do this, I don't want to do it, why are you nagging me, it's not fair..."</p><p>I usually interrupt with, "Hold on. Wait a sec, I'm not nagging. I just asked, that's all. I know it's not fair, but I didn't do this to you, I'm just your mum and I'm just trying to make it easier for you. Now let's start again - what needs to be done, and how can we best do it without it being any harder than it needs to be?"</p><p></p><p>If I pull her up before her tantrum gets to self-propelling stage, I have a chance to turn things around. otherwise I walk away until it runs down, then go back to her and try again.</p><p></p><p>She's very egocentric. For example at the moment she's really ill, she saw the doctor yesterday and was put onto antibiotics, she's running a fever and has lost her voice. But life is going on and if she wants to fix her finances, she has to jump through certain hoops and has to do it NOW. Nobody will care if she is feeling sick and just wants to sleep. I can sympathise and yes, it is not fair that she can't just go to bed and sleep off this bug, but the paperwork has to be done. There's a few thousand bucks in it for her, if she gets it right.</p><p></p><p>What sets easy child 2/difficult child 2 off the most, is when she feels overloaded or when she feels she can't cope with what she's expected to do.</p><p></p><p>Another example - two weeks ago on the Saturday morning, I rang to ask her something along the lines of, "Are you going to come over to visit today?" She began to throw a tantrum over the phone about an assignment she had to do, she had to write a 10 minute talk on a specific topic for college and give the talk on Monday night. She was crying hysterically down the phone that she didn't want to do it, it was a stupid assignment, she hated having to give a talk, she would be stupid at it because she knew absolutely nothing about the topic, it was a stupid idea, she wasn't gonig to do it so there, and by this stage she was crying at me, screaming, generally making it sound as if had set the wretched assignment.</p><p>I calmed her down enough to understand what she was saying through the wailing. "What is the topic?"</p><p>"I SAID I'M NOT DOING IT!"</p><p>"Yeah, real mature. That will get you a pass, for sure. Now remember, I didn't set the assignment, so don't wail at me. If you want me to help you, be nice or I'll hang up. Now I have an idea. Today is the best time for you to make a start on this, because tomorrow your husband has a day off work and you want to spend time with him."</p><p></p><p>She began to wail again, "I shouldn't be wasting my time tomorrow doing this stupid assignment, I should be spending it with him!"</p><p></p><p>I took the wind out of her sails by agreeing with her. "Exactly. So you're going to start now. But I'm going to help. Now, give me the name of the person and the topic you have to write about."</p><p>She told me. She also had to provide a handout to the class.</p><p>"Now what is it you are really worried about? Are you afraid you won't be able to talk in front of the class? Are you scared that they will think you're stupid and don't know anything? What is the problem?"</p><p>We worked through her fears (those she would admit to) and I got through to her - doing absolutely nothing and getting a zero mark was ther worst possible outcome. making a genuine attempt and standing there frozen was the next worst, but she would at least get some marks for trying and for doing the handout. Anything more than this was a bonus.</p><p>"But I don't know anything about this!" she kept wailing. "We haven't studied this yet!"</p><p>I got through to her - ALL the students have been given topis that haven't yet been studied, so it's a level playing field.</p><p></p><p>So I set a limit. Reminded her that even if she read from a script ("But we're not allowed to do that! That's why I'm so upset! I don't know anything about this, I can't speak to a topic I know nothing about..." and she was off again until I blew the ref whistle agian, metaphorically) then she still only needed 1000 words in 12 pt, single-spaced. Two pages. The handout had to be one page max, so her best bet was to:</p><p></p><p>1) gather information into document A</p><p></p><p>2) draft document B (her lecture notes, what she would speak form and refer back to, a summary of document A)</p><p></p><p>3) the handout, a bullet-point document to be primrily a summary of document B.</p><p></p><p>So I said to her, "It's now 11 am. I'll call you back at 11.30 pm by which stage I will also have done my own reasearch on tis topic. You say you know nothing - then by comparison, I know even less than nothing, because I'm not even studying this course. But at 11.30 am, you and I will discuss this topic together."</p><p></p><p>I actually spent the next 20 minutes replying to a private email from one of our CD members (I told her about this). Then I quickly did some fast reading and began my own version of the three documents, especially the final one-page summary. it really didn't take long. I had found several websites and worked out quickly how to get the best info. Then I rang her back. She had calmed down, she no longer felt overwhelmed, because she had at last made a start.</p><p></p><p>A lot of the powerlessness that these kids express, is from feeling overhwlmed and out of control. Because she made a start with me also working alongside (even though we were miles apart physically) easy child 2/difficult child 2 felt a little more in control, enough to begin to overcome her panic. I'd had to stay calm but also firm. At times like tis she wants someone to cradle her and say, "there there, it's OK, you don't have to do it, just ignore it and it will all go away," but that is unhealthy.</p><p></p><p>What she did - she turned and faced it. And having made a start, she was able to keep going. I emailed her my own summary, she built on it with her own work. When I saw her next (the day after her talk) she told me she had only got 7 out of 10 and she felt it was unfair. I reminded her that it was a pass, which was more than she would have had if she had continnued to wail and wring her hands.</p><p></p><p>It's really exhausting, but maybe it's me and what we've lived with - to us it's normal. I really wish it wasn't, but there it is.</p><p></p><p>I'm assuming (and hoping) that easy child 2/difficult child 2 is not at any time out of touch with reality. Her views are certainly distorted sometimes, but she can be brought back into perspective. I can't say that your daughter is like mine - we just can't compare. But when I read your daughter's letter to Markus Zusak, I can hear the same voice of "woe is me, everyone is horrible to me, nobody loves me, I think I'll go and eat worms."</p><p></p><p>Did she ever send the letter? Maybe via email on a website? Gee, I wish I'd read this before Sunday, I could have asked him! Maybe not, I suspect he already thought I was a bit weird...</p><p></p><p>If you want to get your revenge on your daughter one day (and revenge is a dish best served cold) then keep a copy and show it to her one day. When she has her own 16 year old daughter would be the best time...</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 319761, member: 1991"] Wow, small world time! Just last Sunday (as in a couple of days ago) I was at a Writers Festival and the very first speaker was - Markus Zusak! He's a smart cookie, I've attended a workshop of his before. He writes for children as well as for adults, "The Book Thief" has been very well received internationally and there are deals going on - I think someone said something about a movie deal. That said - it's a disturbing story line, it would ring bells with a disturbed teen. I haven't read the book myself yet but because Markus has talked to our writing group a few times, a number of others have read it, plus there was some discussion of the book on Sunday. I do plan to read it. Listening to him speak was fascinating, his mind is constantly flowing with ideas and information. Markus used to teach, plus he gives talks to kids at school. He knows kids well and if he got a letter like that he would know it has come from somebody with a warped view of reality. The letter actually sounds very much like something either easy child or easy child 2/difficult child 2 would have written at that age. It's a very selfish time for a teenage girl. They really do only see the world in terms of their own wants being all that matters and anyone who doesn't give them free rein is "stifling creativity" and "being mean just because they can". easy child 2/difficult child 2 especially was a shocker - while she was on her honeymoon we found her diary from when she was about 15. If we'd found it then, she'd have been in a psychiatric ward so fast her head would have been spinning. But I wonder - would it have helped if we'd done this? I don't know. I do know that we had a challenging time and sometimes she's still a handful. I have to always be on guard to not buy into her dramas. Example: I might say, "Have you rung X yet? You need to get this business sorted out today." Her response, "How can I do that? I'm feelnig really sick, all I want to do is sleep, it's not fair, I shouldn't have to do this, I don't want to do it, why are you nagging me, it's not fair..." I usually interrupt with, "Hold on. Wait a sec, I'm not nagging. I just asked, that's all. I know it's not fair, but I didn't do this to you, I'm just your mum and I'm just trying to make it easier for you. Now let's start again - what needs to be done, and how can we best do it without it being any harder than it needs to be?" If I pull her up before her tantrum gets to self-propelling stage, I have a chance to turn things around. otherwise I walk away until it runs down, then go back to her and try again. She's very egocentric. For example at the moment she's really ill, she saw the doctor yesterday and was put onto antibiotics, she's running a fever and has lost her voice. But life is going on and if she wants to fix her finances, she has to jump through certain hoops and has to do it NOW. Nobody will care if she is feeling sick and just wants to sleep. I can sympathise and yes, it is not fair that she can't just go to bed and sleep off this bug, but the paperwork has to be done. There's a few thousand bucks in it for her, if she gets it right. What sets easy child 2/difficult child 2 off the most, is when she feels overloaded or when she feels she can't cope with what she's expected to do. Another example - two weeks ago on the Saturday morning, I rang to ask her something along the lines of, "Are you going to come over to visit today?" She began to throw a tantrum over the phone about an assignment she had to do, she had to write a 10 minute talk on a specific topic for college and give the talk on Monday night. She was crying hysterically down the phone that she didn't want to do it, it was a stupid assignment, she hated having to give a talk, she would be stupid at it because she knew absolutely nothing about the topic, it was a stupid idea, she wasn't gonig to do it so there, and by this stage she was crying at me, screaming, generally making it sound as if had set the wretched assignment. I calmed her down enough to understand what she was saying through the wailing. "What is the topic?" "I SAID I'M NOT DOING IT!" "Yeah, real mature. That will get you a pass, for sure. Now remember, I didn't set the assignment, so don't wail at me. If you want me to help you, be nice or I'll hang up. Now I have an idea. Today is the best time for you to make a start on this, because tomorrow your husband has a day off work and you want to spend time with him." She began to wail again, "I shouldn't be wasting my time tomorrow doing this stupid assignment, I should be spending it with him!" I took the wind out of her sails by agreeing with her. "Exactly. So you're going to start now. But I'm going to help. Now, give me the name of the person and the topic you have to write about." She told me. She also had to provide a handout to the class. "Now what is it you are really worried about? Are you afraid you won't be able to talk in front of the class? Are you scared that they will think you're stupid and don't know anything? What is the problem?" We worked through her fears (those she would admit to) and I got through to her - doing absolutely nothing and getting a zero mark was ther worst possible outcome. making a genuine attempt and standing there frozen was the next worst, but she would at least get some marks for trying and for doing the handout. Anything more than this was a bonus. "But I don't know anything about this!" she kept wailing. "We haven't studied this yet!" I got through to her - ALL the students have been given topis that haven't yet been studied, so it's a level playing field. So I set a limit. Reminded her that even if she read from a script ("But we're not allowed to do that! That's why I'm so upset! I don't know anything about this, I can't speak to a topic I know nothing about..." and she was off again until I blew the ref whistle agian, metaphorically) then she still only needed 1000 words in 12 pt, single-spaced. Two pages. The handout had to be one page max, so her best bet was to: 1) gather information into document A 2) draft document B (her lecture notes, what she would speak form and refer back to, a summary of document A) 3) the handout, a bullet-point document to be primrily a summary of document B. So I said to her, "It's now 11 am. I'll call you back at 11.30 pm by which stage I will also have done my own reasearch on tis topic. You say you know nothing - then by comparison, I know even less than nothing, because I'm not even studying this course. But at 11.30 am, you and I will discuss this topic together." I actually spent the next 20 minutes replying to a private email from one of our CD members (I told her about this). Then I quickly did some fast reading and began my own version of the three documents, especially the final one-page summary. it really didn't take long. I had found several websites and worked out quickly how to get the best info. Then I rang her back. She had calmed down, she no longer felt overwhelmed, because she had at last made a start. A lot of the powerlessness that these kids express, is from feeling overhwlmed and out of control. Because she made a start with me also working alongside (even though we were miles apart physically) easy child 2/difficult child 2 felt a little more in control, enough to begin to overcome her panic. I'd had to stay calm but also firm. At times like tis she wants someone to cradle her and say, "there there, it's OK, you don't have to do it, just ignore it and it will all go away," but that is unhealthy. What she did - she turned and faced it. And having made a start, she was able to keep going. I emailed her my own summary, she built on it with her own work. When I saw her next (the day after her talk) she told me she had only got 7 out of 10 and she felt it was unfair. I reminded her that it was a pass, which was more than she would have had if she had continnued to wail and wring her hands. It's really exhausting, but maybe it's me and what we've lived with - to us it's normal. I really wish it wasn't, but there it is. I'm assuming (and hoping) that easy child 2/difficult child 2 is not at any time out of touch with reality. Her views are certainly distorted sometimes, but she can be brought back into perspective. I can't say that your daughter is like mine - we just can't compare. But when I read your daughter's letter to Markus Zusak, I can hear the same voice of "woe is me, everyone is horrible to me, nobody loves me, I think I'll go and eat worms." Did she ever send the letter? Maybe via email on a website? Gee, I wish I'd read this before Sunday, I could have asked him! Maybe not, I suspect he already thought I was a bit weird... If you want to get your revenge on your daughter one day (and revenge is a dish best served cold) then keep a copy and show it to her one day. When she has her own 16 year old daughter would be the best time... Marg [/QUOTE]
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