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So, how do you detach? What did YOU do?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 633681" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Sorry you have reached this point. I can tell you, everyone sort of starts out doing it differently and then sees what happens. I prefer to first off cut out the money. When I had to do this, cell phones weren't that popular. I don't know what I'd do today. They always tend to find ways to contact us, phone or not, and often get so angry that they'll talk to or text others, but not us. On our dime. It's a personal decision.</p><p></p><p>I did not cut my daughter off, but she didn't want to talk to me and that was ok. It took time. My oldest son, who I also had to ask to leave, I did talk to, but in my heart I knew he could never ever live with me again. While my daughter was doing drugs, she was still a good person and I could tell she'd never harm us, although I did think she might die of the drugs. My son, on the other hand, was scary to live with and has not lived with me since he was maybe nineteen. Often they cut US off when it becomes clear the money has dried up. And, yes, they can ramp it up when they see we mean it, but if we don't stick to our guns, it will never end.</p><p></p><p>I like to use the example that some 80 year old parents are still supporting abusive sixty year old "children." May sound funny to think of a sixty year old as a child, but some people never grow up...ever...and some parents can never see that gray-haried man beyond the little boy or girl he used to be. So the parents never ever have their happy retirement and continue supporting their child who is a senior citizen. You have to decide for yourself if you want that lady to be you or if you want to live a good life in spite of the poor decisions your son makes and how he tries to throw a constant guilt trip at you.</p><p></p><p>When my son threatened to commit suicide, I found it extremely useful to hang up on him and instantly call 911. He stopped doing it. I guess he didn't really mean it, but, just in case, there was nothing I could do from a distance so I felt calling 911 was the smartest thing to do. He was furious, but, again, stopped threatening suicide.</p><p></p><p>There is no way to predict what a verbally abusive person has the capacity of doing, but I feel that the threatening words are a red flag that anything is possible. My son has gone so far as to threaten to get a gun and kill me. He was having a high anxiety moment and he has never touched a gun in his life, but just hearing him say it was chilling. Would he ever do it? I really doubt it. But do I know for sure? Pretty much, but he put a seed of doubt in me that makes me feel he's not safe. Not that he hadn't done that years ago. When we lived together he would crowd me in and loom over me (I am small, he is not) and he would punch the walls near my head and he spat at me full in the face once. I was a single mom at the time and afraid. And my little girl was afraid.</p><p></p><p>I guess I got somewhat off track here. I tend to do that. Sorry.</p><p></p><p>The answer is, you handle things the way you like. You asked about if you talk to your grown kid. I did, but now I do it carefully. Here is how I do it. I believe that "less is more." When you talk to your son, don't engage him or say anything to set him off. Listen quietly. If he gets verbally abusive, you can use my tactic. I say, "If you can't respect me when you talk to me the way I respect you, I am going to hang up." And then at t he first raised voice or nasty female part I am called or the connection of me to a female dog, I gently get off and will not answer the phone again for several days. This has sort of trained him to talk nicely. I don't know why I didn't demand respect sooner. He is in his middle 30's now. Why did it take me so long to stop listening to that?</p><p></p><p>Don't be someone like me, a doormat until your son turns 35.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and hope for your future. You sound strong...a real warrior mom! I'm sure, like most of us, you went overboard to do all you could for your son and, like most difficult children, he doesn't appreciate it or even acknowledge it. And he stepped over some line you drew in the sand...eventually, most of them do. Lots and lots of hugs for your hurting mommy heart. I'm very sorry it has come to this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 633681, member: 1550"] Sorry you have reached this point. I can tell you, everyone sort of starts out doing it differently and then sees what happens. I prefer to first off cut out the money. When I had to do this, cell phones weren't that popular. I don't know what I'd do today. They always tend to find ways to contact us, phone or not, and often get so angry that they'll talk to or text others, but not us. On our dime. It's a personal decision. I did not cut my daughter off, but she didn't want to talk to me and that was ok. It took time. My oldest son, who I also had to ask to leave, I did talk to, but in my heart I knew he could never ever live with me again. While my daughter was doing drugs, she was still a good person and I could tell she'd never harm us, although I did think she might die of the drugs. My son, on the other hand, was scary to live with and has not lived with me since he was maybe nineteen. Often they cut US off when it becomes clear the money has dried up. And, yes, they can ramp it up when they see we mean it, but if we don't stick to our guns, it will never end. I like to use the example that some 80 year old parents are still supporting abusive sixty year old "children." May sound funny to think of a sixty year old as a child, but some people never grow up...ever...and some parents can never see that gray-haried man beyond the little boy or girl he used to be. So the parents never ever have their happy retirement and continue supporting their child who is a senior citizen. You have to decide for yourself if you want that lady to be you or if you want to live a good life in spite of the poor decisions your son makes and how he tries to throw a constant guilt trip at you. When my son threatened to commit suicide, I found it extremely useful to hang up on him and instantly call 911. He stopped doing it. I guess he didn't really mean it, but, just in case, there was nothing I could do from a distance so I felt calling 911 was the smartest thing to do. He was furious, but, again, stopped threatening suicide. There is no way to predict what a verbally abusive person has the capacity of doing, but I feel that the threatening words are a red flag that anything is possible. My son has gone so far as to threaten to get a gun and kill me. He was having a high anxiety moment and he has never touched a gun in his life, but just hearing him say it was chilling. Would he ever do it? I really doubt it. But do I know for sure? Pretty much, but he put a seed of doubt in me that makes me feel he's not safe. Not that he hadn't done that years ago. When we lived together he would crowd me in and loom over me (I am small, he is not) and he would punch the walls near my head and he spat at me full in the face once. I was a single mom at the time and afraid. And my little girl was afraid. I guess I got somewhat off track here. I tend to do that. Sorry. The answer is, you handle things the way you like. You asked about if you talk to your grown kid. I did, but now I do it carefully. Here is how I do it. I believe that "less is more." When you talk to your son, don't engage him or say anything to set him off. Listen quietly. If he gets verbally abusive, you can use my tactic. I say, "If you can't respect me when you talk to me the way I respect you, I am going to hang up." And then at t he first raised voice or nasty female part I am called or the connection of me to a female dog, I gently get off and will not answer the phone again for several days. This has sort of trained him to talk nicely. I don't know why I didn't demand respect sooner. He is in his middle 30's now. Why did it take me so long to stop listening to that? Don't be someone like me, a doormat until your son turns 35. Hugs and hope for your future. You sound strong...a real warrior mom! I'm sure, like most of us, you went overboard to do all you could for your son and, like most difficult children, he doesn't appreciate it or even acknowledge it. And he stepped over some line you drew in the sand...eventually, most of them do. Lots and lots of hugs for your hurting mommy heart. I'm very sorry it has come to this. [/QUOTE]
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So, how do you detach? What did YOU do?
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