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So, how do you detach? What did YOU do?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 633776" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I wasn't able to understand the concept of detachment parenting for a very long time. Part of that was because I could not believe that what was happening wasn't my fault.</p><p></p><p>How could I refuse to help the children I had not protected?</p><p></p><p>It took forever for me to accept that the rotten core at the heart of what happened was addiction.</p><p></p><p>Then, I had to exhaust myself trying to fix that.</p><p></p><p>I am still loathe to admit it, when I cannot think of some alternate way to fix or heal or even just limit the forever ongoing damage.</p><p></p><p>But one day, after being here on the site for a very long time, I came to understand that trying to protect my kids from the full horror of the consequences of their actions was only bringing unbelievably worse consequences.</p><p></p><p>Shortly after that, I got it that, just like everyone had been telling me, helping was not only not helping, but it was preventing my kids from maturing.</p><p></p><p>There are all kinds of guilt and control issues involved with why I couldn't see that sooner.</p><p></p><p>I began to believe my children had been raised better than to do what they were doing. That was key, because it meant I was no longer taking responsibility for their bad choices.</p><p></p><p>I can't stress that enough.</p><p></p><p>Until I could understand that, I was sunk.</p><p></p><p>Then, I realized I had been wrong in "understanding" that of course they didn't mean any of the bad things they said or did.</p><p></p><p>And for me, understanding all those things, understanding even that excusing behaviors pretty much guaranteed we would see more of them, popped me into a place where detachment parenting was the only moral position to take.</p><p></p><p>Then, it was just a matter of standing up.</p><p></p><p>Until I changed my thinking though, there really was no way I could understand the concept of detachment.</p><p></p><p>What I now understand is that until the kids take responsibility for themselves, they cannot take charge of themselves. The best thing I can do as a parent, I think, is stay centered, keep loving them and myself, and tell the truth about what happened (addiction).</p><p></p><p>Addicted people blame others.</p><p></p><p>Parents want so desperately for our kids to be okay. We can come up with a million things we should have done instead of whatever we did do.</p><p></p><p>And all the while, the addiction is digging Itself In deeper. Destroying our kids, changing the stories of our families, determining the courses our families will take in the future.</p><p></p><p>I also think parents need to start telling our addicted kids the truth about what their addictions have cost us.</p><p></p><p>We need to use every tool at our disposal to bring home to the kids the costs of their addictions.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 633776, member: 17461"] I wasn't able to understand the concept of detachment parenting for a very long time. Part of that was because I could not believe that what was happening wasn't my fault. How could I refuse to help the children I had not protected? It took forever for me to accept that the rotten core at the heart of what happened was addiction. Then, I had to exhaust myself trying to fix that. I am still loathe to admit it, when I cannot think of some alternate way to fix or heal or even just limit the forever ongoing damage. But one day, after being here on the site for a very long time, I came to understand that trying to protect my kids from the full horror of the consequences of their actions was only bringing unbelievably worse consequences. Shortly after that, I got it that, just like everyone had been telling me, helping was not only not helping, but it was preventing my kids from maturing. There are all kinds of guilt and control issues involved with why I couldn't see that sooner. I began to believe my children had been raised better than to do what they were doing. That was key, because it meant I was no longer taking responsibility for their bad choices. I can't stress that enough. Until I could understand that, I was sunk. Then, I realized I had been wrong in "understanding" that of course they didn't mean any of the bad things they said or did. And for me, understanding all those things, understanding even that excusing behaviors pretty much guaranteed we would see more of them, popped me into a place where detachment parenting was the only moral position to take. Then, it was just a matter of standing up. Until I changed my thinking though, there really was no way I could understand the concept of detachment. What I now understand is that until the kids take responsibility for themselves, they cannot take charge of themselves. The best thing I can do as a parent, I think, is stay centered, keep loving them and myself, and tell the truth about what happened (addiction). Addicted people blame others. Parents want so desperately for our kids to be okay. We can come up with a million things we should have done instead of whatever we did do. And all the while, the addiction is digging Itself In deeper. Destroying our kids, changing the stories of our families, determining the courses our families will take in the future. I also think parents need to start telling our addicted kids the truth about what their addictions have cost us. We need to use every tool at our disposal to bring home to the kids the costs of their addictions. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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So, how do you detach? What did YOU do?
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