So how's this for a twist?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Stressed2theHilt, Jan 19, 2010.

  1. I spoke a wee bit too soon when I gloated about having the teens out of the house. Youngest (19 on Valentines Day) is back home. Long story, not a bad one and one that was actually expected.

    But wait, that's not the twist!

    There is a third man-child involved. He's my oldest sons best friend when we moved here to Ohio late 2006. I've had issues with him from the get-go (first meeting). Somehow the boy ends up under my wing since he doesn't know his father and appears to have no relationship with his mother despite the fact that he lives in her house.

    Background as I know it.

    Prior to age 18 has an underage drinking. Problems in school, etc. Nothing that most of us (you) are not familiar with. Starts getting tattoos. Wants to join the Marine Corps and appears to be straightening up. Gets in more trouble at school and has an expulsion hearing. I attend on his behalf to speak of his improvements over the last few months. He is given a second chance with a tight leash. No one from his family attends.

    Summer of 08 tries to join the Corps. His tattoos are an issue, specifically a couple of initials on his chest. Turns out they are his math teachers. Yes folks, he's in an adult relationship with his teacher.

    About November of 08 he gets expelled from school. The reason was pretty petty but he was already on a tight leash. I go to the school on his behalf. The superintendent refused to speak to me since I'm not his parent but the VP spoke AT me. I walked out of there positive that the school knows about him and his teacher and it was easier and less messy to get rid of him.

    Chances of getting in tbe Corps gone. The Army however entertains him and helps him get his GED. Then he screws that up but at least he got his GED.

    Summer of 09 the proverbial poop hits the fan regarding his relationship with his teacher. She gets a restraining order against him. It really helps that her father is retired law enforcements, she doesn't get in any trouble over having a relationship with her student. While this is going on I find out she was previously investigated for inappropriate relationships with students and loe and behold the superintendent brought it to the attention of the police.

    Talk about a screwed up situation.

    Boy is totally screwed up. Already had problems before being victimized by his teacher.

    I've gone to bat for this kid, done everything that I can to guide him. Like many teens here, he is set on doing things his way. Don't follow one bit of advice.

    Last I saw him was on January 5th when he was here to use the phone to talk with the state board of education regarding his teacher. They contacted him. He left telling me of some new life and job plans.

    I found out last night (not from him, he's still in hiding from me) that on the 6th he was arrested for underage drinking and DWI.

    This is so frustrating. He's not my kid but I've treated him like one of mine as far as parenting goes. He comes to me when he needs food or money. I don't give him cash but will find work for him to do to earn a gift card at the local gas station. He's welcome to scrounge in the fridge when he's here.

    So, warrior parents, how would you handle this "twist"?

    Not my kid, actually not a kid anymore yet in more trouble than mine ever were. He intimidates a lot of people but I'm not one of them. I'd like to see him succeed and have given him as much advice, guidance and compassion as I can.

    The easy answer is to just step away. I mean come on, he's not my kid nor is he my responsibility. The compassionate side of me (yes there is one) wants to see him make good and do well. I just don't know what if anything I can do to help him accept responsiblity for himself, his actions and his life.

    At the rate he's going, he'll be homeless soon, has no job, and no future. I see him in jail long term before he even turns 21 this December.

    Is there some rule somewhere that the warrior moms must take on other peoples kids problems?

    Quick, someone smack me now.
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'd say let the natural consequences take over, especially for the DWI. Same advice I'd give you for your own child. You don't have to step away, necessarily, you can still encourage him and support him emotionally, if you have the energy for that, but as far as "doing" anything.. it's time for him to figure things out on his own.
  3. ML

    ML Guest

    I agree with Crazy. You can continue to support and encourage him emotionally but you have to detach from preventing him from feeling the full effects of the consequences of his bad choices. Let him eat over at times, but do not invite him into your home beyond as a visitor. Detaching can be done in a loving way. You have a big heart and that truly is a good thing. Just guard it and be aware of healthy boundaries. Love, ML
  4. Thanks for the supportive words.

    I know that there is nothing I can actually "do" for him besides the emotional support. I'm a big believer in accountability so that is not a problem either.

    I guess I just needed to hear from a totally detached been there done that parent that not jumping in but still being there was the way to go.

    People that know me, know what I've gone thru with my boys yet never experienced this themselves pretty much say "slam the door in his face, he isn't your kid".

    Gabe has been in touch with my oldest son and told him what happened but has yet to tell me about it. He told my son that "your Mom is going to kill me when she finds out".

    I'm at peace over this thanks to a couple of supportive words.

    Thanks ladies.